Ex husband has died.

[Dartmoorcheffy]

This is quite an outing post if anyone knows me but I need to veht/let ot out. I hope thats OK.

We were together for 12 years, married 11. He had bad alcohol and mental health issues. Very jealous yet I found out at the end of the marriage he had cheated on me with his best mates wife at the start of our relationship.

Verbally abusive and when it turned physical I left and reported him to the police after he tried to strangle me and kicked me in the head, stamped on my hands. His family (my step kids and MIL) hated me for getting him arrested so al relationships within the family broke down sadly. I have no children of my own and parents both dead.

I was 43 when I left. This was 13 years ago and I have been in a very happy solid relationship with a great man for 12 years.

I occasionally look up my stepson on FB just to see how hes doing. We used to be very close and I miss him. He used to have my back when his dad was having a drunken go at me.

Anyway, looked in there earlier this week and was utterly shocked to see the death announcement of my ex husband.

No idea how he died. No indication in the wording or request for donations to a specific charity.

I just feel a bit weird and I have nobody I can talk to about it. I hated him. He was absolutely vile to me. He made my life miserable for years. But I do feel sorry for his family. His mum is still alive and in her late 80s. he had a younger brother who died in a tragic accident years befier i met him and this had a bad effect on his mental health as he blamed himself. His dad took his own life, while we were together and that added to his depression too. I tried to be supportive but he wouldn't help himself and I couldn't take any more of the drink the abuse, the crazy accusations (Xmas day the family sat eating dinner that I had cooked, he was blind drunk and accusing me of trying to poising him)..just one of many occasions. My mums funeral, he got arseholed, pissed himself in bed (mu mums bed).

Sorry for the long post. His death has brought back so many memories and I just needed to get it out.

Thanks if you've read this.

@Dartmoorcheffy Are you really sure you have no-one to talk to (apart from us strangers)? I'm not surprised at your reaction, which is no doubt because you are a decent person. I think you deserve someone to listen to you - even a therapist, if you can afford it. Rack your brains! I'm sure there's a sympathetic person somewhere in your life.

I want to say I understand…I haven’t exactly been in your shoes but close. Someone who hurt me very badly went on to die suddenly, it was a really challenging time, I was lucky I was in counselling anyway at the time but it was a really weird first 24 hours, (I didn’t sleep that first night) knowing he was gone. My head was racing. I did have people to call on though

I have a couple of close friends who stood by me when we split .I just found it easier to write it down to be honest. He was a very manipulative narcissist and convinced so many people i was the bad person. Ive moved many miles away and have a good life now.

I just feel relief too in a way. The last time I saw him I was crossing the road in our old hometown and he swerved his van at me. Ive no doubt he would have killed me if I had stayed. He had a lifetime restraining order from contacting me. Didn't stop him posting awful things on Facebook about me.

Absolutely I felt relief, I was always worried another woman would suffer the same. He worked with a very vulnerable category of person as well. I was always worried someone would contact me about him or we’d cross paths due to a very niche overlap in our jobs.

I'm so sorry.

I found out in 2024 that my abusive ex husband had died. We'd split over 2p years before, and I was surprised at how upset I felt.

Big hugs

I hope that you don’t think I’m hijacking your post here by telling you this. I had a controlling, financially abusive partner. I left him after 6 years and never looked back. Zero contact since. I was informed (through someone I know who still had him on social media), that he died by suicide earlier this year. It really threw me. I wish I didn’t know. I barely thought about him for years and then suddenly he was back in my head again. I feel absolutely nothing about it, but think I should feel something. I also feel for his fault, though in honesty his Dad was his blueprint for how to treat women. It’s such a weird thing. So, I’m telling you all this to say that I think I possibly do have some understanding of what you’re going through. Any, all, and no feelings at all are perfectly normal in my opinion. I am over the shock now and thinking about it less and less and I suspect you will feel the same in a few weeks too. Look after yourself

Family, not fault

@overwork great post.

How awful for you. He sounds an absolute nightmare. Do you think you might want to contact your stepson now? He may well miss you too.

Hi, my alcoholic ex-h died a few years ago.

It was really difficult to process. We married in our 20s and he died before 40, so I wasn't around people who were divorced really other than me, never mind widowed. It was a really weird situation to be in. I didn't feel like I should be grieving, but I still was. I didn't know how to explain it or process it as we were divorced and he'd deteriorated so much from the man I'd once loved. I grieved mostly for everything that could have been that he'd screwed up with booze.

In the end I read a eulogy (of sorts) at his funeral, and it helped, weirdly, to do it.

Look after yourself and do what feels right.

@overwork thankyou, thats how I feel too x

the death announcement seemed really odd. Clinical and detached. He was always threatening to take his own life. I really hope he didn't for his kids and his mothers sake.

I'm sorry it has upset & unsettled you 🤗

it's terrible that you were alienated from your SC.

You are now with a man you love, that loves you & makes you happy - would he not understand & help you though this?

talk to your friends & be kind to yourself!! Xx

I feel bad for you but glad you got away and glad ur ex can’t hurt anyone else now. I had an uncle whose wife left him, (my aunt) after lots of domestic violence. My uncle never got over her leaving he was sooooo bitter to her and their son, spread lies and hatred any chance he could get about her. This went on for years. He finally died a raging alcoholic who didn’t care for himself, or look after himself he was an absolute tramp, mega mental health problems that he wouldn’t deal with. All that matters was her and what he could say about her to bring her down more. Sad waste of a life. My now ex aunt got on with her life and settled with a man who was so much better than him. She deserved it after what my uncle put her through.

Such a shock for you.

It could be that the detached tone of the announcement is because he was also estranged from his dc and his mother, or their relationship was not good.

Do you feel that you need to find out the cause of death?