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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and I have nothing to talk about anymore

24 replies

Manoodledo · 04/07/2025 16:04

I just feel like I’m always boring him. I don’t feel like there’s anything that I could talk to him about that would be of much interest to him. My work is quite dull, he doesn’t want to hear about my family or friends. My hobbies are pretty solitary things. He even switches off when I talk about our kids. And he makes it really obvious he’s not interested. Like he’ll just ignore me, like I haven’t spoken. We talk about current affairs and stuff, but recently we’ve started to diverge in our opinions and so increasingly there are subjects I avoid if I don’t want us to fall out. I don’t know how much longer we can go on like this. The DC are teens and might not be around much longer. God knows what will happen then. Is this normal over time? What do other people talk to their DHs about? How do I become more interesting?

OP posts:
Notquitegrownup2 · 04/07/2025 17:46

It is normal to have phases like this, particularly if you have been focusing on kids, but you've recognized it and you can talked steps to address it.

Does your husband feel the same? Surely it's not all on you to provide scintillating conversation! You need shared interests and shared people. It's concerning that you say he doesn't want to hear about your family. You are married so they are his family too now - or have you kept your lives very separate?

Do you go out together? Dares/cinema/meet with friends? Plan holidays? Do crosswords? Do you laugh together at anything? Do you want to?

Time to have a chat to him about what you would like - and how he envisages the next ten years too. Don't just drift. Lufes too precious . . .

MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/07/2025 18:22

Sounds like he's treating you with contempt. Someone who cares about you shows an interest in your life, you must feel very small when he ignores you.

I would turn my attention towards myself. Build my social life, eat well, exercise, meditate, get out into the countryside. There's a whole world out there and loads of people who will give you attention.

You might find therapy helpful and there are lots of books on developing healthy self esteem. Try The Six Pillars of Self Esteem.

Pamspeople · 04/07/2025 18:29

He sounds awful, OP. This isn't about you needing to change to fix things, he's not even interested in talking about his own children? It sounds like he's checked out of the relationship and is treating you appallingly.

How interesting is he, anyway? I bet you hide how dull you sometimes find his conversation, because that's what we do when we love someone or even if we're just being polite.

Duh · 04/07/2025 18:31

couples will usually have spells like this. However the not interested in talking about his own children makes me think the problem is him.

MounjaroMounjaro · 04/07/2025 18:33

The only change I would make is a plan to escape! I think he's completely detached himself from your relationship. How sure can you be that he isn't having an affair? That level of disrespect is really common during an affair.

YellowGrey · 04/07/2025 18:35

I think you need to do more together. It sounds a bit counter intuitive, because you may think you'll have more to talk about / tell each other about if you've been doing separate things, but IME the more time you spend together the more time you want to spend together. Can you think of something you'd enjoy doing together? An activity or going to see a band or something?

BromelyFC · 04/07/2025 18:45

Manoodledo · 04/07/2025 16:04

I just feel like I’m always boring him. I don’t feel like there’s anything that I could talk to him about that would be of much interest to him. My work is quite dull, he doesn’t want to hear about my family or friends. My hobbies are pretty solitary things. He even switches off when I talk about our kids. And he makes it really obvious he’s not interested. Like he’ll just ignore me, like I haven’t spoken. We talk about current affairs and stuff, but recently we’ve started to diverge in our opinions and so increasingly there are subjects I avoid if I don’t want us to fall out. I don’t know how much longer we can go on like this. The DC are teens and might not be around much longer. God knows what will happen then. Is this normal over time? What do other people talk to their DHs about? How do I become more interesting?

I have had this before with an ex girlfriend, I took up a new hobby that I knew we would both life and it created a new found spark (It was cycling btw).

Everyone goes through this

BromelyFC · 04/07/2025 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BastardesEverywhere · 04/07/2025 19:01

BromelyFC · 04/07/2025 18:45

I have had this before with an ex girlfriend, I took up a new hobby that I knew we would both life and it created a new found spark (It was cycling btw).

Everyone goes through this

Show quote history

No, everyone doesn't.

Pamspeople · 04/07/2025 19:02

I'm shocked at people saying this is normal and all couples go through it - this man ignores the OP, acts as though she hasn't even spoken, isn't interested in conversation about his kids! That's bloody awful behaviour! Do you really think it's acceptable to be ignored by your partner??

Pamspeople · 04/07/2025 19:04

YellowGrey · 04/07/2025 18:35

I think you need to do more together. It sounds a bit counter intuitive, because you may think you'll have more to talk about / tell each other about if you've been doing separate things, but IME the more time you spend together the more time you want to spend together. Can you think of something you'd enjoy doing together? An activity or going to see a band or something?

Why on earth would OP want to spend more time with someone who acts like she hasn't spoken and isn't in in their kids??

Subwaystop · 04/07/2025 19:16

I think you’re blaming yourself but there’s a lot more to this than you not being interesting. Is he being intentionally contrarian vis a vis politics? Is he trying to push you away intentionally? If so, why? He doesn’t seem to be trying - in fact he seems to be at the core of why things feel so uneven.

Disturbia81 · 04/07/2025 19:20

Pamspeople · 04/07/2025 19:02

I'm shocked at people saying this is normal and all couples go through it - this man ignores the OP, acts as though she hasn't even spoken, isn't interested in conversation about his kids! That's bloody awful behaviour! Do you really think it's acceptable to be ignored by your partner??

I was thinking the same, this is NOT normal in good relationships.

YellowGrey · 04/07/2025 19:22

Pamspeople · 04/07/2025 19:04

Why on earth would OP want to spend more time with someone who acts like she hasn't spoken and isn't in in their kids??

Show quote history

Well, I was responding on the assumption that OP wants to save her marriage rather than give up on it. I mean they may end up splitting up, but at least give it a try before going straight to LTB.

Olive567 · 04/07/2025 19:27

I tried hard with my ex DP when he could be like this. Unbelievably, he sometimes set time limits when I had something to talk to him about - e.g., he'd time me with his watch and give me a minute to talk.
Needless to say, I eventually saw the light about his shitty ways and lack of respect.

Disturbia81 · 04/07/2025 19:31

Olive567 · 04/07/2025 19:27

I tried hard with my ex DP when he could be like this. Unbelievably, he sometimes set time limits when I had something to talk to him about - e.g., he'd time me with his watch and give me a minute to talk.
Needless to say, I eventually saw the light about his shitty ways and lack of respect.

Oh. My. Fucking. God. 🤯

Original poster
Manoodledo · 04/07/2025 19:39

Thanks for all the considered replies and sorry for slow response. It’s not always as bad as that sounds. When we’re away on holiday things are better. And he’s not disinterested in the DC, he knows their interests and is very thoughtful where they’re concerned. It’s just another topic where I feel he switches off when I’m talking. He has a very interesting job which he is passionate about, and my job is crap in comparison. I think that contributes to my feeling I have nothing to talk about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Manoodledo · 04/07/2025 20:16

Olive567 · 04/07/2025 19:27

I tried hard with my ex DP when he could be like this. Unbelievably, he sometimes set time limits when I had something to talk to him about - e.g., he'd time me with his watch and give me a minute to talk.
Needless to say, I eventually saw the light about his shitty ways and lack of respect.

Oh wow, that’s awful!

OP posts:
Pamspeople · 04/07/2025 20:30

Manoodledo · 04/07/2025 19:39

Thanks for all the considered replies and sorry for slow response. It’s not always as bad as that sounds. When we’re away on holiday things are better. And he’s not disinterested in the DC, he knows their interests and is very thoughtful where they’re concerned. It’s just another topic where I feel he switches off when I’m talking. He has a very interesting job which he is passionate about, and my job is crap in comparison. I think that contributes to my feeling I have nothing to talk about.

Do you feel that way when you're with friends or family? Or is it mainly with him?

Your partner is the person you should feel safest and loved with, someone you feel good about yourself with.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 04/07/2025 20:35

Oh that sounds hard. When someone doesn’t listen you just stop bothering in the end don’t you.

I wonder why he’s not interested in what’s going on in your life. and why he doesn’t listen for your sake? Not everything I tell my DH is interesting for him and vice versa, but if it’s something that I want/need to talk about then he makes the effort to listen. As do I even when it’s not very interesting for me.

I just can’t imagine ignoring someone I cared about. Have you spoken to him about this and how upsetting it is?

Original poster
Manoodledo · 04/07/2025 20:41

I think it’s both me and him. I’ve really lost my way in life and it is really boring. I’ve kind of stopped seeing friends because I struggle with the fact that I haven’t achieved much in life and don’t have much to talk about. However, a family member also mentioned that DH made them feel like they were boring him. I don’t feel I want to bring it up in case he hasn’t already consciously had the thought and it crystallises for him that he finds me really boring…

OP posts:
Takemetothesee · 04/07/2025 20:58

Manoodledo · 04/07/2025 20:41

I think it’s both me and him. I’ve really lost my way in life and it is really boring. I’ve kind of stopped seeing friends because I struggle with the fact that I haven’t achieved much in life and don’t have much to talk about. However, a family member also mentioned that DH made them feel like they were boring him. I don’t feel I want to bring it up in case he hasn’t already consciously had the thought and it crystallises for him that he finds me really boring…

It sounds like you generally have quite a low opinion of yourself given that you mentioned stopping seeing friends for a similar reason. Maybe getting some counselling might help you understand the root cause of this and be more beneficial for you than trying to find ways to be more interesting for others around you

Original poster
Manoodledo · 04/07/2025 21:38

Thanks @Takemetothesee. You’re probably right but I saw a counsellor for about a year and didn’t really feel it was particularly helpful and I can’t really afford to do any more, it’s sooooo expensive.

OP posts:
Gymbunny2025 · 04/07/2025 22:09

I’m not saying that his attitude is acceptable but I just wonder if he is an introvert? Sometimes I feel talked out at the end of the day (work, friends, kids) and the last thing I want to do is have yet another conversation when I can finally relax. We do talk at other times though obviously.

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