Parents spreading the details of my divorce

[Stopthegossip]

Just wanted some advice on this.

I recently separated from my ex husband after it came to light that he was involved with some awful stuff online. This came as a massive shock as I never knew him to be anything other than a dedicated family man as did everyone else. It seemed so completely out of character it took me a while to accept that it was all true but ultimately I knew had to protect my children so I left him immediately as soon as i found out.

I obviously leaned on my parents for support at the time and I moved to my hometown to be closer to them and further from him. Particularly to put distance between him and our children who are very little. He was very well known in our community and well liked and respected by everyone so I know this will spread like wildfire when it comes out and I was most concerned about the impact it could have on our kids- how and when they find out what their dad has done. I don't want it to be a source of bullying for them. That was my primary goal in moving was the anonymity.

However, I've now found out that my parents have been talking to their friends, people in their church, our extended family who we aren't even close to and rarely see providing all the details of why I'm now separate. And when I challenged them on this, they said it was so people don't blame my failed marriage on me. I tried to explain about the impact it could have on the kids and how uncomfortable it is for me, knowing that all these people I barely know now know extremely personal information about me. It just makes me want to pack up and move again but I've only just got the kids settled and myself settled into a new job and I don't want to put them through any more change.

I feel really, really betrayed by my parents as I'd explicitly explained to them that I was moving away so I didn't have to deal with people knowing. I wanted to be able to tell people I trust on my own terms. Even though I know this is nothing to do with me and I had no way of knowing what he was at, I feel enough shame as it is having been in any way associated with him. And moving away felt like a fresh start without having to carry that and they've undermined it from before I even got here. They're so focused on how shocked THEY were, how much its impacted THEM that I'm getting divorced and how embarrassing that is for THEM.

Obviously what's done is done, but I don't know how to handle it.

Who told them the details?

If you, them this is partly on you.

When you tell one person a secret, it's no longer a secret.

Now you just have to deal with a bunch of people knowing. Your parents thought they knew better and sabotaged your plans. Back off from them.

I told them the details at the very beginning when everything was coming out and I was distraught. I needed people in my corner as you can imagine. It's information they got at that point that I've just found out they've been sharing. I would have expected them to keep it private for me and they were saying they understood that.

Back away and be less available.. These are the consequences for gossiping about their dd...
They don't sound like people I would want around me and my dc anyway.. Caring more about what people think that being there for you and your dc..

What they have done is not ok, it goes without saying that you don’t gossip about your own daughter to others, especially in a situation like this. Why would it matter why the marriage failed and what’s more important to them, protecting you or other peoples opinions about you as those are two different things. They have betrayed your trust, I’d keep my distance from them after clearly explaining why.

I can see why you are upset. At the same time, I think it is normal for people to talk about how what is happening in their lives affect them. They will have feelings about your divorce, and it is natural that they will talk to their friends about that. BUT - it sounds like they are massively oversharing the details and straying into gossip. And the thing about not wanting people to think badly about you is batshit.

Are their boundaries usually ok, or do they have form for this?

It just makes me want to pack up and move again but I've only just got the kids settled and myself settled into a new job and I don't want to put them through any more change

The disruption of doing this will be minuscule compared to the disruption your parents have caused and will continue to cause.

Start making plans to move and remember - they are not to be trusted with anything personal.

I can see both sides of this one: they’ve been thoughtless but not malicious and of course you feel how you feel. I don’t think running away again is the answer, though. Sorry 💐

So basically in order for them to save face and so that 'other people' don't think that their daughter has failed in her marriage, they are telling your personal and private details to all and sundry?

I'd be bloody furious!

Do you not have anyone you trust? OP should have been able to tell her parents without it being spread around.

I would be absolutely furious if someone has done this to me. I'd think about moving again if I had the strength, who knows how it will affect you and your children. I'd be wondering who knew what and what they were saying behind my back

I would be fuming if I were you. That’s unforgivable. I would move again for a completely fresh start. I’m so so sorry you’re going through this 😔

It sounds like your parents were more concerned about you getting the blame for a failed marriage than respecting your wishes.

That's incredibly poor of them. I'd be furious as well.

@HeddaGarbled OP said I don't want it to be a source of bullying for them. That was my primary goal in moving was the anonymity.

I wouldn’t see moving as ‘running away again’ but as ‘maintaining anonymity for my children and keeping them away from potential bullying’.

My parents are huge gossips too. They talk about everything with their friends and siblings. It has caused me to barely tell them anything at all, after lots of upset over the years. They never learnt. Sorry for you.

It’s absolutely awful your parents have done this. I’m so sorry OP. I would certainly be putting some distance there and just try to be realistic about how badly they have let you down in terms of future asks. It seems that they cannot really think about things from your point of view, and neither could your ex.
In terms of moving, if it feels unmanageable I wouldn’t bother. I think you will struggle to keep this a secret with social media being the way it is, and if you do you’ll be living looking over your shoulder. our networks extend far beyond where we live these days. Add this to the fact that your kids may disclose it to somebody else at school at some point. I think your energy is probably better spent on letting go of the shame you feel because it is not you who needs to feel ashamed and building strong healthy relationships so you are less exposed to the selfishness of those who should be looking out for you and your kids.
Stop it now has a great helpline and website with loads of support and resources for families of child sex offenders, if that’s what you are talking about. They can help talk you through your fears about bullying and how to handle those sorts of complexities.
and a round of applause for leaving him because unbelievably lots of people don’t, you’re a good mother

My Ex-wife did this and I was not even guilty of the matter! talking and telling to anyone who would listen,

She has done so with everyone that has come into her life and it has destroyed our children, she finds it necessary to cope with the trauma it caused I guess BUt it has affected me being around her family, our kids are looked at funny and one day they will be old enough to know.

I just did an NDA! That seems to have worked, maybe you can look into it.