Me and dh are talking about splitting - how do you know when its time to give up?

[mosschops30]

Try and keep it short, me and dh been married for 6 years and have two dc's.

In 2006 we went to relate because we just werent getting along, cant pinpoint what it was that was wrong, but we argued all the time and it got us down.
Two years on and weve moved no further forward. This year has been a constant roundabout of arguing then being nice for a week, then arguing etc.
I feel like ive changed massively throughout my nursing degree, I want to do so much, to have options, and to live life to the full. dh is content to stay in the same house, in the same place forever and see the same people.
He thinks Im unreasonable because I go on holiday with my mother ('hasnt she got any friends to go with') even though we are still having our family holiday, plus one alone with friends to Italy. He doesnt want me to visit my friend in China which is something I'd love to do. All we do is fight and Im exhausted with it all and so is he.

We've talked about splitting but neither of us are willing to say the words, I think we're both scared of making the wrong decision.

So how do you know when to call it a day. I would much prefer for us to split as friends rather than descend into some nasty bitterness where we hate each other. I would like to keep it more than amicable for the children.

And yes I do love him, and eseentially hes a good husband and father, we just seem to be going in different directions

A few years back DH and I were on the verge of splitting. It was all my fault. He had done nothing wrong. One day he looked really sad and I asked him what was wrong, he told me he had thought that day he would have to see a solicitor. That was a kick up the backside and I sorted myself out. Now we are as strong as ever.

Neither of us wanted to split but we thought it was out of our hands. What he said made me realise it wasn't.

Not sure if that helps, but I think if you both want to get things back to how they were when you were very happy, then you are halfway there.

Good luck.

thanks NAB, but we have talked about the logistics of splitting and solicitors etc, so not really a kick up the backside.
Maybe two years ago if he'd mentioned it then yes I would have been shocked but now I think its something we'd both consider

Do you think no one wants to say I think we need to split, for seeming to be the bad guy?

rather than see a solicitor and do it formally, why not have a trial separation and see if it is what you both really want or not.

He can move out for 2 months and then you meet up to discuss how you both feel.

Good idea.

i think neither of us wants to make the wrong decision.
He has said he'll go and live with his parents for a trial split but Im worried of the effect of that on the children and also involving his parents

I think you should leave him today.

what??? why??

I wanted to try and get a gut reaction from you as to whether you wanted/thought you could try and save your marriage. I totally apologise if it upset you. I find sometimes, someone eaying something helps crystalise your thoughts in a way nothing else can. Apolgies again.

Its ok NAB dh has tried the same thing.
Im not leaving here anyway, he would go to his parents until we could split the house and move into our own places.
Why is everything so hard and why are there no definate answers

I am so sorry. I wish you could work it out like we did. Maybe some time apart will help but it is risky as you both might like being away from the other one.

I am off out now but I hope you get some answers that help.

For what it's worth, I think the fact you say you do love him, that he's a good husband and father, you're very anxious that you remain friends and are posting here about when to call it a day all adds up to the fact you're actually far from ready to walk away.
When I split with my ex, while I did have some pangs about doing the right thing re the DCs, essentially I was absolutely sure I didn't want to live with him anymore. I knew I had exhausted all routes and tried as hard as I possibly could to make it work. When I left, I had no doubts whatsoever that the marriage was over. It really doesn't sound to me that you're there yet.
I agree that a trial separation might makes your feelings clearer.

I think you should work out what the issues are and see if they can be resolved.
And you wanting to do things, well on your own with the kids, will you be able to achieve them?
Or does the grass just look greener?

it seems to me that you have already pulled away and got some independance from him, wanting to holiday without him etc, and maybe he wants you to be doing everything as a unit. if you want to stay together either you will have to give up some independance or he will have to accept that you need more freedom.

do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? can you imagine being excited at things you could do toogether? would you like to and be able to cope without him?

hth

i wouldnt be on my own with the kids, we have discussed the fact that we'd like to share them, one week on, one week off (which his friend does with his and works well).
No I dont want to give up any independence and dont see why I should.
We dont have much in common and rarely do things together (which may be part of the problem) but we dont like each others friends either so even when we go out with friends its separate.
I think I would cope just fine, I enjoy my own company and being on my own. Have friends and people close by too.

but yes he's a good person which is why i dont want this to descend into something horrible.
He works hard, is faithful, not a bum or too much of an asshole
but we argue too much, he's stubborn (as am I), not very affectionate (unless its leading to sex), unemotional etc

I don't know how old your DCS are, and am very very in favour of joint custody as a principle, but if you do nothing else please think long and hard about not seeing your DCs for a whole week - from their point of view as well as yours. With my ex we had a Sun - Wed, Wed to Sat, Sat nights alternated arrangement and while my DS1 was fine, I think DD really suffered as a result. She just missed me - and I missed them like you wouldn't believe. There is no easy solution, but especially after a split they need consistency.

Sorry - I know I've strayed from the OP/splitting up issue, and that this is none of my business, but please think a lot about 1 week on, 1 week off custody thing.

dcs are dd -12 and ds -3. I think ds would miss dh far more than he would miss me.

You would like to share them?? These are people you are thinking about, not objects.
I am probably not at my most rational about this (my kids being with their dad for the day), but that line just pulled at me.
You love him and he is a good person, but to stay together you would both need to comprimise. If that isn't going to happen then you could split up - and probably eventually find someone else who you would end up comprimising with (albeit on different matters).
What does he want to do?

sorry squirrel I dont know what the problem is? Would you rather me say Im going to drag him through the courts for custody and hope he only sees them one wkend in 4???

I wouldnt want to live with anyone ever again, I like my own space

I dunno - maybe it would have been better if you had said they would share you. It is just the though of sharing children, like they are a possession that you each get some of the time.

No, I am not for one minute suggesting you drag it through the courts if you can agree between you to do the best thing for the children.

I do think (and I accept that my view of this is rather coloured at the moment!) that if one is in a non-abusive, essentially friendly relationship with someone who you love - and you have children - then walking away should be the very very very last resort. If that is where you are at - then so be it.

mosschops have a look through the lone parents section, I LOVE my own space, but sometimes, it gets lonely. And im not a whinger, or anything like that, but the reality is quite....well its, not what I thought it would be.
And most of us, if we could have worked it out we would have, but most of us I think, were with abusive, demeaning twats.
I dunno, I just feel that this isnt the end of the road for you..

Ok, Imagine for a minute that you have already split up from your husband two whole years ago. It was hard, but you said the words, had the emotional rollercoaster, dealt with the practicalities, and now you've moved on, reached the point of having an amicable relationship with eachother and possibly even a new relationship...

Does that scenario make you happy or sad?

sylvie that sounds good actually

You sound like a very independent sort of person. You seem to enjoy (perhaps need?) more time away from your usual day-to-day routine than he does. Maybe this makes your husband feel nervous, hence his commments about your mum and her holiday. But it isn't really about your mum and her lack/ abundance of friends. It's about your need to do things and see the world, whilst he doesn't want to. Unresolved, this difference in personalities could go on for ever, or cause you to split up, obviously.

I do think fear of abandonment might be at the root of his worries, but I'm not a psychologist, only a psycho, so don't quote me on that.

I think he needs to understand and make allowances for your needs, even though he doesn't experience them himself. It's okay to want to go on holiday. If he doesn't want to go, that is his decision. Both views are valid.

Would you consider relate again? There seems a solid base to the relationship, after all. Such a shame to throw the baby out with the bath water.