Working from home

[Mummy289]

Perimenopause- plus hubby who likes me to tell who I am messaging and what I’m saying etc.

Hubby and me have been together over 20 years. His worked from home since Covid, we have 4 disabled children. Up until 9 months ago it was all going well.

however I now sound horrible and ungrateful. I can’t get any space, in the evenings I use to play games when he watched tv however he now plays them too. All through out the day his up and down, he wants to be helpful so I shouldn’t moan but it’s to much. The 3 1/2 year old cries his down, I’m trying to do lunch he down, like his just being helpful but I’m starting to feel suffocated and rubbish at everything. If I’m in the toilet to long he comments.

Today I had just sorted the toddler out and was about to sit in quite and take a mouthful of a sarnie and he appears wanting to talk and honestly at this stage I’m like go away. I don’t, but I’m clearly cold, by the time he goes up, daughter is moaning and that was my few minutes gone. He seems to think everytime the kids don’t want me it’s his time. I get it as they are full on.
i really really need my space and his not getting it 😭😭. I feel selfish and snappy and it starts arguement every day.
Is it me. His being helpful but it’s over kill and it don’t matter how much I say. Today I said be helpful see something on the floor pick it up. However it’s not that sort of stuff.

You sound very overstimulated. Which happens to the best of us, but is amplified with perimenopause. There is nothing wrong or selfish with wanting alone time. Maybe try and talk to your partner. He may be defensive at first or he may surprise you and understand. All you can do is let him know how you feel, try and do it in a way you think he will understand. People usually don't think the same way as us, but we tend to say things how we would understand them. And that's when crossed wires happen. I'm sure you know him well enough to say your words in his language if you get what I mean. Good luck xx

Thanks I have tried but he keeps saying he doesn’t know what to do without me and has no hobbies and my hobby is now his.
He kinda along the lines why am I changing. However I don’t know why and don’t know why I need this space but I do, I need chance to miss him a little.

That is a lot of pressure. He is not your responsibility. Your children are but even then it's a shared one. You need this space because you are human. We weren't made to be around people and noise etc all the time. Our brain needs time to decompress. What he is asking of you is selfish, do you think he knows it is or is unaware of the stress he is causing you? He sounds lonely but he needs to find comfort in other sources than just you.

Thanks. I have tried. It all came about a few months ago, where a penny dropped.
so when I was working, he would get very annoyed if I was talking to other men and make it awkward. We did have a fair share of arguements.
However since having the kids life has been bliss, we got on well, work as a team I can’t complain his helpful doesn’t always do the right things but a good man.
However on a social media game I have been talking to an older man, different country, pastor mainly we use to play a game together but he hasn’t had chance to play so we have been messaging. Since then he upped the game, the game he plays with me every night (he never use to), he will message me on every social media (insta/what’s app/messenger/text). He doesn’t stop messaging. Talking, or coming down.
However part of my brain just wants to be free, however i know i will regret it. So since i have been talking to the Friend (he lost his wife so is constantly telling me to make it work). I think if he hasn’t took over the game in the evening it would of been ok big now his upped every thing

It just sounds like you feel a bit suffocated by it all and you want a bit of your own identity back. Which is completely ok. And it is great he is such a good man. Him being jealous is down to him being insecure, which he would need to work on. We all can get insecure at times but it should never be ok for us to put that insecurity onto our SO. Keep at it, one day at a time

You need to communicate your needs to him more clearly. He can’t know you need space if you don’t tell him. Say clearly - I want to play on the computer by myself for 2 hours. Or - I want to eat my lunch alone, can you check on the children please?
He may say - but I miss you and I want to spend more time with you.
In which case you need to negotiate and figure out a solution to gather, so he is getting couple time, and you are getting alone time.

I have really tried. He seems to think I only need to play the game with him. This other player is rarely on (another country and works longs hours) he will send picture of his work and dinner 😂. So I flick the screen to look (game is on mobile). But that gets to him like I should stay on the game and not see the message because I’m playing with him.i tried to explaining the time but he feels he don’t get enough time with me. He struggles with friends as he don’t bother where I do I take an interest in other people but then he will want that they are all friends with both of us.

He is insecure and jealous.

Hates any attention you show to anyone who isnt him. Thats why he is kicking off about your friend.

Do you cave to his demands? Do you give in for a quiet life? Cos it aint working is it? I would suggest the nuclear option. You have tried talking, tried explaining.....maybe you should start losing your shit. Making it VERY clear that you will have the friends you want, you will not be playing this game with him anymore and if he doesnt leave you in piece as soon as you request it, you will leave the room....every single time. And follow through.

My first husband was like this, so afraid to lose me that he was unbearable and actually made me want to leave, whereas if he hadnt been like that it would have been fine.