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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why do I feel guilty- emotionally abusive relationship

2 replies

CheeryShaker · 03/07/2025 23:24

I found out my (now ex fiancé) cheated multiple times, even with S Workers and went to a club for private dances when I was 9 months pregnant. He gaslight me so much having me out to be imagining things when he was cheating the whole time. He is still gaslighting me now, constantly having me doubt my own sanity at this point. I still can read his messages (which I think he knows because he deletes messages with women) and he is telling people I’m hormonal (I’m a few months postpartum) and making up absolute lies to his friend making out I’m always causing rows.

I quit my job because he said he’ll support me, now I’m stuck living in his house. He wants 50/50 custody I wouldn’t mind this, but he has a full time high demanding job, and the main issue is he does cocaine when he goes into the office or out with friends. I’ve told him he needs to cut it out but he doesn’t. He doesn’t touch the baby when he does it, but when I move out I’m petrified of something happening whilst he has the baby. I’ve found packets lying around and some residue on the sofa. I’m sure he only wants 50/50 custody as he won’t have to pay a lot of child maintenance that way (he earns a lot of money.) As when I said who will look after him he said he’ll just put him in nursery.

I’ve told this to my support worker at Women’s aid (who is a godsend) and she has put all this in a supporting letter to my council. I feel sooooo guilty even though it’s all facts and I don’t know why I feel bad. I’ve got such bad anxiety that I cannot sleep, and feel like he is going to tell everyone I’m an evil person exaggerating things, when I just want my child to be safe and to have my own place so we can coparent amicably as possible.

OP posts:
Brentinger · 03/07/2025 23:45

Do not feel bad - he should not be left anywhere near your child with packets of cocaine lying around. This could be potentially lethal for your child and the courts/council should absolutely have this information.

It seems like he is, and has always acted out of selfishness so many times. Who cheats when they are about to be a father? It is sadly more common than you think for him to want 50/50 to pay less but this is absolutely not in the best interest of your child.

Stay strong, stick to your gut feeling and get full-time custody of your child, with financial support from him. I believe you can have 30-minutes free advice from a solicitor to help you.

Girlmom35 · 04/07/2025 12:48

Good for you for getting the help you need to get away from him.
Even though he's manipulated and brainwashed you for years, you're still picking up on the gaslighting. How incredibly strong of you!

The guilt you're feeling now is the impact of him drilling into your head that you're always wrong and everything you do is bad. It will take time, but this will settle eventually. Over time you'll learn to trust yourself and your own instincts again.

When you're feeling guilty, try to distance yourself from those thoughts and feelings. Just observe that they are there, but realise that they are not 'you'. They are a result of the abuse you've suffered, a remnant. You can notice them, but you don't have to agree with them, take them seriously, or act on them. Try to notice what else is there. What other thoughts and feelings do you have? Can you pour your attention into the thoughts and emotions that validate you, that encourage you, and ignore that voice of guilt inside your head?

It's all about noticing their presence like you'd notice an annoying fly buzzing around you. Yes, it's there, yes it bothers you, but life goes on.

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