I don’t know what to do

[Newmumoct20]

Some background. I met my partner 7 years ago. We moved in together and almost 5 years ago we had a son together. The relationship was mentally abusive towards me, with things being really tough on me being pregnant and Covid etc. we stayed together properly and lived together until my son was 1. Then he left, got his own place. After a few months we got back together but he lives in his place and I live in mine with my son. we saw each other every other weekend and a few days after work in the week, as he had his sons from a previous relationship every other weekend and because of how nasty it was when we split his older sons don’t want anything to do with me so he didn’t tell them we were back together so those weekends, I’m on my own with my son sometimes staying at his.

fast forward to now 3 years later, the weekends are the same, every other weekend I’m on my own as his old sons still don’t know we are together. In fact none of his friends and family do. He only wants to see me and stay at mine 1 night a week if I’m lucky, and I spend most day and nights just me and our son.

i feel lonely and lately he’s been really nasty to me again; telling me he has to drink to be round me because I’m boring (he drinks too much), doesn’t come anywhere near me and is really disrespectful about me as a mum even though I absolutely do everything.

he gives me money every month to help with my son cos he appreciates we don’t live together but because of that feels like he can talk to me anyway he wants.

i feel lost, fat ugly, lonely and like a failure. I just wanted a family but this is no good for me and the arguing is upsetting for my son and for me, it breaks my heart when he comes up to me and asks did daddy make you upset again? It’s like he knows.

im scared of being on my own, that I won’t manage but then when I think about it I’m managing everything already with this toxicity underneath, I’m scared to open my phone in case there is a shitty text and I’m worried that by not telling and friends and family he is with me that he is keeping his options open.

what should I do? Shall I call it quits and walk away and just go-parent. I know he’s going to be really difficult about it so I feel I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

please help.

You’re scared of being on your own but you’re already on your own.
I’d tell you to end this but there is no relationship to end so just move on. This is not what a a good life looks like and you’d be so much happier (as would your child) without him in your life.

@Userengagethanks for your reply. You’re saying what everyone around me is saying, it’s not a relationship at all, I’m just waiting around for a family that is never going to happen. I’m just too scared to be on my own, he’s made things so difficult when we have separated before

Deal with why you're scared to be alone and then you'll find you don't need this twat in your life at all.

Your son would be much better off with the dad out of his life and not seeing his mother abused regularly.

Unfortunately your fear of being single means you’ll settle for a shit relationship with a complete twat.

Why on earth do you thinking being single, having your own space and peace of mind is a worse option than living with this abusive wanker?

Think about your son growing up in an abusive home watching his mum being treated like shit. His role model for life will think this is normal and you’re setting him up to be an abuser himself to future partners because he knows no different.

if you can’t leave for yourself, then do it for your sons future.

Aw, Newmumoct20
All I feel from your post is pain, and you feeling so lost. I felt this too.
Pretty much everything in your initial post resonates with me and the set up with my ex (except no previous children)
I ended it as I suspected he was cheating (again). I later found out that I was correct.

I can tell you that it was the best decision.
I am now thriving (as are my children)
Yes, it was scary, but I was already in that position (except in my own mind)
Like me you will also grow to be strong, confident and content. You just can't see it right now....but, you really will.

I really want to quote "what if I fall? But, my dear, what if you fly" properly.

• Im crap with tech and don't want to lose what I've already written 😂 I wish I'd known this at the time. I would have jumped a whole lot sooner.

You too have the strength xx

What is best for you and your son ? You know what it is......

You are worth more than this horrible man chucks at you and do is your son. Change things for yourself but also got him as already he is seeing a dysfunctional relationship between a man and woman which is likely to influence him in the future and also is making him miserable now.

THIS. Especially this:

Why on earth do you thinking being single, having your own space and peace of mind is a worse option than living with this abusive wanker?

Two books you will find helpful, @Newmumoct20 :

• Women Who Love Too Much
• The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

This is abuse. You're already on your own, so get rid of him, concentrate on YOU and your SON.
I was a single mum x 3, [ all adults now] their dad preferred to drink than family life.
You and your son will be alot happier, no more toxic abusive behaviour. You deserve better. You'll be fine without him.
Stay strong, be positive and good luck x

You are single.
You need to start acting like it 💐

This sounds like a miserable existence and I’d rather be on my own than tolerate his nastiness
you are allowing your little boy to witness this as he knows daddy makes mummy cry and will likely grow up thinking this is normal.
for his and your sake you need to end things

Only you can decide to do better.

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is an extremely useful book about different types of abuse. You will find your partner in there… There’s a free pdf online. I urge you to read it, @Newmumoct20