How my mum treated me as a child. Is this normal?

[lostandconfused89]

I have recently had a falling out with my mum. It was over something trivial but I feel like I have had to take a stand due to her ongoing behaviour and how I felt she treated me as a child. We haven’t spoken for 6 months and I have thought about having some therapy to talk through my childhood but not sure if this would be beneficial.

I feel like having my own children has made me realise a lot of things in my childhood weren't right and suppose I am just curious to see what others think or if I am being overly dramatic.

to cut a long story short my mum was a single mother to 4 children with very little support from her own family due to them living in a different part of the country.

I feel like my mother’s treatment of us wasn’t ideal. There were some things that I feel were fairly major for example on a few occasions she said to me I had been so badly behaved I was being sent into foster care / to be adopted. I packed a bag with toys, I was young maybe 7 or 8 and remember feeling so crushed. I remember the bag, the toys, it feels like my earliest memory.
if we had annoyed her she would trash our rooms. I don’t just mean making a mess, I mean breaking things, emptying all cupboards etc.
I remember her being very open about sex in front of us. Having sex with her partner very loudly while we were in the house, once on holiday we were asleep in a bed next to her and she was having sex where we could see / hear. I assume she thought we were asleep but I wasn’t. As adults she will also make what I feel are inappropriate jokes about sex to be saying to your children even though we are all grown up.
she could be physically aggressive; smacking etc. not very often but she could flip.

I was always made to feel like I was in the way, my opinions didn’t matter, I was an inconvenience.

I was a very wild teenager, I definitely didn’t make things easy for her. Now I feel it was my way of rebelling against her; being noticed. I had many boyfriends growing up, I thought sex was my way to feel loved. I know now it wasn’t but I think I was craving a love I never had from my parents (my dad left us when I was young and we never saw him again).

I have struggled with self confidence as an adult and in my head I feel this is the reason and now feel like I can’t speak up in situations. I also struggle to talk about sex, am quite prudish even though I’m only in my 30s. I find talk about sex embarrassing with my partner or my friends.

I now have 3 kids of my own. I have a loving partner and lots of support from his family. I can see how hard it must have been for my mum; it’s hard for us with 2 of us and his parents help from time to time. But despite this, I am not sure we deserved this from my mum and I would hate for my children to feel like I did.

I don’t know what I am asking for really, just opinions, experiences and if this was normal or not.

thank you for reading

Not normal, but also four kids by myself would probably not leave me winning any awards for parent of the year. I think therapy is definitely a good idea, you have things you need to process. The sex thing is very weird, and sounds like she is still very casual about that whereas you've gone the other way in response. The smacking I think is part of the times for your age (assuming it was the odd cross smack rather than a daily beating). In short, it sounds like she was really struggling and got it wrong. Whether you can come to terms with that and have a relationship going forward depends really.

I think you know it wasn't great. Hard to define 'normal' but your situation clearly wasn't how most of us would want to be bringing up your children. Unfortunately I don't think there's anything you can do about it. You can't change what happened. You probably won't even get her to admit any faults and if she did, what then? She's unlikely to change either at this point and again, even if she did, what? If getting her to admit fault would give you some personal relief then by all means try but I think you're going to end up unsatisfied still.

You sound like you have a good amount of self-awareness and are making an effort not to perpetuate the childhood trauma so focus on that. Have some therapy if you feel you need it. As far as your mother goes, if you want an ongoing relationship you'll need to find a way of accepting her as she is.

'But despite this, I am not sure we deserved this from my mum and I would hate for my children to feel like I did.'

Hold onto this. You know it wasnt right, and you would not treat your own children this way

What you described involved physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Absolutely not ok, and none of it should be brushed aside or minimised. Your 'rebellious' behavior as a teenager sounds normal and healthy, and part of a typical pattern of development. Teenagers are not supposed to make their parents lives easy!

It sounds like you're at the start of understanding the impact of your mother's behavior on you. Professional psychotherapy may be invaluable to you in exploring and understanding that impact further. I was in therapy myself for a long time. It was tough and very painful but the best thing I've ever done for myself

You don't mention anywhere whether she could be kind and loving. Sounds not. So no, not normal as you have realised from how you feel about your own children. The sex thing sounds cringemaking. It sounds as though it would be difficult to talk to her about any of it so therapy may get things a bit straighter in your head. You have to think about how much contact you want your own children to have with her and if she would respect your way of doing things.

Your mum was very abusive, you need therapy to process what you experienced and to stop it affecting you now and in the future.
She used her temper to cower you, made you feel unwanted, that she wanted to get rid of you when you disobeyed her and thought her sexual experiences needed a captive audience.
Life is all about her, no one else matters in her eyes, you were put on this earth to cater to her needs. She had to live her life as she saw fit and you were an inconvenience, she completely ignored your needs in order to fulfil hers.

Thank you for your replies in and insights.

@SpringadorableI also wouldn’t have been a perfect parent in her situation. I’m far from perfect now and I have it much much easier.

@SharpLilyI definitely don’t think she will admit to any faults. On the surface I had a great upbringing, I had lots of opportunities, dance lessons, we had holidays, I got a good education etc etc. and this is what she will say in her response if I was to ever enter into a conversation about this with her

@Lottapianosthank you. I’m sorry you had a tough time in therapy and glad you feel it was a positive thing after wards. I am definitely going to explore this so I can move on (either with or without my mother in my life)

@gloriousrhinoshe has never had unsupervised contact with my children and I don’t think she ever will. I don’t really ever remember her being loving, I don’t ever feel like she was proud of anything I did, or anything like that.

@SpryCatyou’ve hit the nail on the head. Life is all about her even now. All she says is no one ever does this that and the other for me when she has never done a single thing to help us in our adult lives, physically or emotionally

I’m sorry your dad was such a cunt. Walking out on 4 young children, never to be see again. Disgraceful. Your mother’s behaviour was also inappropriate. You’ve been let down by your parents and becoming a parent yourself has brought that to light. I recommend therapy to work through your feelings.

'I also wouldn’t have been a perfect parent in her situation. I’m far from perfect now and I have it much much easier'

There's no such thing as a perfect parent, or a perfect anything for that matter. There is such a thing as a good enough parent though, and that involves keeping your children safe, not terrifying your children, no smashing up their property, not exposing them to your sex life, to pick just a few examples

If I said my husband was behaving like this 30/40 years ago and that he was still making attempts at a relationship painful, who in their right mind here would say ‘yeah, husbands were like that, husbands just terrorised you to get their way’.

Funny thing is, I bet if you said to these parents ‘I know it looks like you were a terrible terrible parent but don’t worry, I understand that’s because all parents were abusive’ I bet the parents aren’t going to be ‘yeah, that about sums it up’. And that’s what separates normal flawed parents from the parents who have a serious lack of empathy for anyone. If you try and talk to them about something really abusive they did do they harm or heal from that place?

”40 years ago my husband’s deliberate actions resulted in me being a victim of serious sexual abuse when I was in an extremely vulnerable position. He did this repeatedly. When I try to talk to him now about it he will say terrible spiteful things about me so that I get upset and run away”

”you know what he’s like hun, marriage eh? don’t take it personally, I bet you’re not a perfect spouse either”

madness!

most of the stuff she did was utterly unacceptable…but, but, but…isn’t the person most to blame here your father? He wasn’t even there. He left her to do everything for 4 kids and she must have been absolutely exhausted.
note I am not excusing smashing up your rooms etc at all…but at least she was there.

“I know your husband smashed the lounge up but at least he married you”

”hello officer, someone smashed my stuff up”

”at least you had stuff to smash up”

It makes stuff meaningless. Smash or not smash up the lounge? It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter how we behave. Let’s get rid of social services. Why are they trying to prevent harm to kids? Don’t they know how tough parents have it?

How often have you smashed a room up in front of a terrified child?

Never, obviously @speakball

the rest of your 3 posts are complete nonsense

What elements are nonsense?

There is a famous poem about parents, by Philip Larkin. When I was going through therapy, also for issues relating to my parents, but different to your problems, it was suggested I read it

This Be The Verse
BY PHILIP LARKIN

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

Part of my therapy was getting out of the victim mentality and understanding there were things that happened that I didn’t control, were not my fault (even though I was told they were), also coming out with a survivor mentality and “I’m a wonderful human” headspace. I think I am a better parent and I know I deliberately try to be better. I rarely shout and use kind words. It has to be a very conscious decision to break the generational habits for good.

One thing I learned was, my parents were broken before I cane along and life broke them a bit more. Whilst it doesn’t excuse their behaviour, it can offer some rationale why.
I had to come to a place where I consciously forgave them. Honestly, I felt so much lighter when I reached this headspace (after nearly two years of weekly therapy).

I have a very low contact relationship with my mum (my Dad is now dead) and I tell her only surface level stuff about my life. She is not a happy person and honestly, plays the victim quite a bit but I have learned to ‘grey rock’ her substantially more than I ever did.

I don’t know if you can come to this place yourself, but please, do try to go talk out those memories in your head. I can only say, it helped my a thousand times more than I thought it ever could.

Of course you didn’t deserve it. She sounds like she was traumatised herself, but her behaviour towards you was certainly abusive.

Therapy, if you can afford it. My childhood trauma was nowhere near as bad as yours, but it’s still messed me up and only really came to the fore as my kids grew older. Schema therapy has really helped me - much more than bog standard psychotherapy

This thread reminded me of my dad smashing up my things and throwing my stuff in the bin when I pissed him off also dragging me to social services because he didn't want me anymore. Luckily I didn't have the sex part but I had the physical violence part he wouldn't think twice about pinning me against the wall by my throat while repeatedly smacking me around the head. Its very difficult when you're young as you assume its just normal as you dont know any different its only as you get older and when you have your own kids you realise its not ok

Thinking about our parents as harmless oafs might work if they magically became warm and kind when we were adults. Most don’t as the OP has said. Most continue to display wanton disregard. If you have that little empathy for your own child’s internal world when they’re dependant on you then you’re never going to feel pretty much anything good for anyone wether you’re 30 or 80. And many of us here can back up this charming nugget of data.

Never, obviously **

Why the obviously?

Adults exposing their children to sexual activity is considered to be child sexual abuse. Whatever else was going on in your mum's life, that was unforgivable. She told you that she was putting you in foster care/having you adopted when you were 7 and you actually packed a bag. She obviously doesn't have a maternal bone in her body.

You say that you never leave her alone with your children, but I would consider pulling back from her completely.

At best she was a pretty terrible mother, at worst she was guilty of sexual abuse. The fact that she moans that no-one does anything to help her means that she totally lacks self-awareness and will never be the mother that you want or need. I'd ditch her.

Yes I would agree she was abusive in so many ways. Children don’t deserve to be treated that way regardless of the adults situation. It does sound cruel, and she comes across very self involved.

If only we all had “good” parents that gave us love and emotional support. It really can become a very bad cycle from generation to generation. Your children are very lucky that you haven’t become like your mother.

I have read this before. OP, have you made a thread about this before, a few months ago?

Thank you every one. You’ve all said what I already knew deep down. I appreciate all the help and advice and it’s given me a lot to think about