Advice regarding in-laws please

[Daisy135]

Hi - looking for practical advice and suggestions please!

My husband and I and our 13m old currently live with my in-laws, we will be moving out in 3-4m time. They don’t charge us rent and are a helping hand with DS so I know how lucky I am to have them. On the whole we get along great, and I am truly grateful for everything they do for us.

I’m really struggling with having them around all the time though. I feel suffocated and like my parenting skills are constantly on display for them. My MIL can’t help but interject all the time when I’m with my son and I feel like the only way I can get solo time with him sometimes without her hovering is to leave the house.

Again, I know how grateful I should be for them letting us stay there again temporarily and for the help they do give us.

I just want them to back off a little and give us space. Also we are expecting our second and I’m worried that the transition will be harder than necessary for example, I have to constantly ask my MIL to leave DS alone when I’m trying to encourage skills in independent play. I feel he was becoming much better at this when we lived alone and all the skills I had built have become undone. DS has also become really fussy at mealtimes and she’ll come and sit directly opposite him at the table and just stare or interject when I’m trying to sort him out. It’s just not helpful and I’ve tried things like “maybe we shouldn’t all just sit staring at him/let’s leave him for a few minutes to decide if he wants to eat etc” but it doesn’t seem to get the message across.

Any advice/tips on how I can navigate the next 3-4 months that we are here without losing it? Or causing a huge fall out? I’m trying to be respectful but getting more frustrated and upset by the whole situation.

thank you!

I think you recognise how lucky you are to have their generosity with the free housing and childcare. The cost is that you are in their house, so you can’t expect alone time or freedom from their “parenting style”.

I recommend you get out of the house every day, go to a baby group or friends house or library or walk for a few hours, for your alone time and sanity!

If your MIL isn’t causing any harm try not to say anything and remember that children from different parenting styles mostly still turn out OK.

You could say “let’s see if baby picks which food/toy item he likes” or similar suggestion.

Say thank you often.
And move as soon as you can ha!

Honestly, I think you just let things go on as they are for now. Three or four months isn't going to wreck either your head or your child's.

Try to focus on regulating your emotions. You are allowed to have them, but given the situation you're not in a place to be setting boundaries or making too many requests.
You know this is temporary. Work on breathing through the emotions when they arise, counting down from 60 to one as the emotions peek and then leave again.

Sometimes it also helps to remind yourself of what your core values are and what your emotions are coming to tell you about them.
Do you feel frustrated when your MIL doesn't leave your child alone to play independantly? What does this say about you and what you value?
That you want to be a good mum
That you take your sons well-being seriously
That you're concerned about the impact of a second child on him and you want to prepare him as well as you can.
So find other ways to do that and don't fixate too much on the independant play and your MIL's involvement.

Leave MIL to help 13m old with eating (at least some of the time) it doesn't need both of you and she is desperate to help. Try and suggest sharing time with DS, if you have him this morning while I'm doing 'whatever'. I'll have him this afternoon and you can have a break to do 'whatever'.

I don’t think living in her house means you aren’t allowed a voice. Just tell her… We really appreciate you letting us stay but I’d really like to be the one in charge of his meal times so can you please leave it to me.

Being honest, given how short the time is you have left there I’d most likely suck it up and consider it the cost for the money you’ve saved. However if you really felt the need to say something I’d try the flattery approach. ‘I know you’ve done all this before MIL and have tons of experience but I’m learning how to be a mum and I’d really appreciate if I could try parenting this one by myself.’

Thank you everyone…there’s some really helpful advice here and I feel better already about how I can manage the months ahead! It’s helpful to see others perspectives on how to navigate all this