ROCD or Real Feeling?

[gingerandpeppermint]

I'm having the most severe anxiety about me and my long term boyfriend and due to my array of anxiety disorders i dont know what is and isnt real anymore.
I wonder if anyone can help..

We have been together for 2 and a half years with growth, trust, consistency, happiness, mutual goals etc. I genuinely have never been happier and feel so blessed to have someone so calm, smart, fun, easygoing, mature, understanding, sincere and loyal.
I haven't wanted a feeling to subside like this in so so long as I haven't felt any doubt this strong before.

About 2 weeks ago I began to feel stagnant in the relationship. Work has been intense for us both so we've both felt tired etc and despite not fighting (we never fight) I began to feel a little hopeless as we aren't engaged or moved in (currently looking at flats though) and yet talk about being married and our wedding plans and children. I do believe he wants these things as he talks about it so much but I guess I feel like I'm being lead on. This has been brought up multiple times in the last few months as many of our friends who haven't even been together 6 months are moving in together and discussing these big steps. It's made me feel left on the shelf as I'm 32, him 30. He swears it's due to the fact I'm his first girlfriend and that he's unsure how to "do" these things. His brother informed me he does have slight autism whereby everything has to be PERFECT and he is slightly "behind" on things (moving out, driving) due to this so I think it's genuine. From what my boyfriend has hinted, it sounds like he will do it in the next year.

A weird twist occurred just over a week ago where two of our friends who had been together ten years in a solid relationship broke up out of nowhere, just before they were going to look at their dream house ready for them to move in and start a family.
The boyfriend broke up with the distraught girlfriend the evening before and stated "I can't commit to you or these things..Ive been too scared to break your heart over the last 6 months but I'm sorry. It's over". The girlfriend who's my age is in pieces now as she was so ready to do all these things and now has to start over and honestly, it brought SO much fear into mine and my boyfriends relationship as I fear he is one day going to do the same.
My boyfriend went to Glastonbury on this day for one week and all of my anxiety disorders had a party ; my separation anxiety, my Relationship OCD, intrusive thoughts but mostly just needing my boyfriend to reassure me we weren't wasting time. He was very correspondent in Glastonbury and would send multiple messages a day checking in normally, being cool. Due to signal issues we only had one phonecall the entire time so I felt horribly codependent and alone despite seeing my friends on these days.

Since he returned we have met up once for a few hours and though it was so good to see him I began having compulsive thoughts about the way I felt about him, the way he feels about me, if looking at flats is the right thing etc. I managed to wrestle these intrusions simply as I was so happy to see him. He went back to his home that night (he lives with family) which brought even more severe anxiety as I felt I'd built up so much emotional distance and he wasn't staying over or seeing me for another few days. I was fine with this as he had to work early near his hometown but, I haven't seen him in 4 days. Day by day my entire body feels SO unbelievably heavy about us now. I feel so emotionally distant from him and unsure where to locate the root. I have severe (untreated) anxiety and believe I have ADHD, OCD, ROCD and some abandonment issues due to exes always having exes around and leaving me aswell as father issues as my dad is my best friend but showed zero love.

I love this man but feel so confused about the way I feel. My head is telling me he's lying to me about wanting to progress but my heart has never been happier and he has changed me so much for the better. Above all, we have such a good relationship and constantly tell eachother how happy we make one another in the mundane everyday life. It feels like real love, the kind where you still wake up to one another after 3 years and look at eachother the same as our first date. I do see him as the father of my children and an incredible husband. I don't want to feel these doubts towards him and every time we talk on the phone or Whatsapp my head is screaming doubts and lies and I fear I'm going to implode soon. I get nauseated saying I love you as I have intrusive thoughts asking if I do.
We're meeting tonight and I just want things to go back to normal. The weirdest thing is, he seemingly doesn't feel any of this towards me but I'm aware the more I share the state of my mind, it could be scaring him. He has been so understanding and told me this has stemmed from our friends having sudden life change and the fact he went away.

Please, tell me this is my mind playing tricks or do I need to reevaluate. We go on holiday in 2 weeks and I feel so nervous incase these feelings flare whilst we're a million miles away.

You need to go to therapy. It must be very suffocating for your boyfriend to be in a relationship with you.
If you don't work on yourself, you are going to lose him. Two years in a relationship should be fun and easy, your post sounds exhausting.

If you keep this up you will destroy your relationship. This level of neediness is not healthy, it is codependent. No one really knows if their relationship/marriage will last the distance, it is a leap of faith, there are no guarantees. You have anxiety from previous experiences but we learn from those, do not repeat past mistakes. Please join a support group and get counselling.

I feel for you, I have struggled with these same thoughts and feelings on previous relationships, I think I largely kept it hidden and it was always me that ended things so I don't know if it would have eventually scared somebody off or not. But either way, it's not a very pleasant way for you to live.
As a PP said, relationships are a leap of faith, it took work for me to accept that but I have! Now married with two children and no doubts or worries at all, just getting on with life, it's totally possible for you but you do need to do the work.
As an aside, the relationships where it was the worst, in hindsight, were the ones where it was actually me who didn't want to continue. I wanted to want to, and forcing myself made me analyse my feelings and my partners actions and tie myself in knows wondering if it was normal. When I met DP it was totally different, it was so much more comfortable and just us getting know each other and checking that we wanted the same things. No anxiety on either side.
I ended an anxious relationship at 33 and met DP at 34, children by 36. It's so so different when you both know yourselves better, and are genuinely looking for the same things.

I say this with much empathy, because I can imagine that living inside your brain with all of your emotions can be incredibly hard.
But you need to start working on your mental health before you drive away a decent, loving, loyal committed man.

This is all in your head. There are no red flags, no warning signs. You're creating problems out of thin air. And even worse, you're leaning on him to resolve these imaginary problems rather than using your own coping mechanisms or professional support to do so.

No amount of love is enough to keep a relationship healthy and balanced when you yourself aren't mentally healthy and balanced. You need to get professional help.

You don't have control over the future. You may spend the rest of your life with him and live happily ever after. You may not. You don't know that. And no level of anxiety is ever going to help you create a world with only certainties. Everything you have in life can be taken away from you. That doesn't mean it will happen. And even if it does happen, it's not the end of the world.
People get left by their partners every day. They feel sad, they grieve, they go through the emotions and then they move on. You're so focussed on the fear that he may someday leave or that he won't commit, that you've forgotten that even if that does happen, you'll be okay.

He swears it's due to the fact I'm his first girlfriend and that he's unsure how to "do" these things. His brother informed me he does have slight autism whereby everything has to be PERFECT and he is slightly "behind" on things (moving out, driving) due to this so I think it's genuine. From what my boyfriend has hinted, it sounds like he will do it in the next year.

I think pp are being very harsh on OP.

I think she has grounds for worrying her bf is a " future faker"

What does "being unsure how to ' do' these things" even mean? Sounds like a wishy washy excuse for avoiding commitment.

And his brother talking about him needing everything to be " perfect" is very worrying. Sounds as though he is always going to have an excuse for not moving the relationship on because in real life nothing is ever " perfect".

I think there is a big discrepancy in what OP wants her future to be and this bf ability to commit to this future.

I think OP would be happier with someone else who shared the same outlook on life as her.

Agreed

You say your anxiety is untreated, so it sounds like you take steps to work on this as a priority. You recognise that these thoughts are intrusive, so you need to learn how to deal with them and manage how you interact with them in your head. No partner can do that via reassurance, it will never be enough.

OCD and anxiety are hungry beasts, and take up a lot of energy (for both you and the person you're in a relationship with).

Once you're taking steps to work on these things, you'll be better able to assess the relationship.

It's perhaps a bit unrealistic a few years into a relationship for you to expect it to be like when you first started dating. No one can really live up to that perfect fairy tale long term.

You really need to work on yourself before progressing with this relationship and I do not understand the rush either, you are only together 2.5 years it is IMO too soon anyway to be living together etc

Some really honest and understanding responses here guys thank you.

I have been in mental loops like this him once a year or so and so thankfully know the route out, usually I just need to fixate on other things and it helps. Ironically I'm viewing a flat for us shortly so I'm deciding to completely abandon the anxiety by pushing through as I know this is what I've always wanted.

Thank you for the empathetic posts, I also worry about his potential fear to commit but recently he has been pressing for us to find a place as his family are very protective over him (I didn't even mention this) and from what our mutual friends say they want to keep him in the family house. He told them last week that he's moving out with me ASAP so there's that, I can see he is doing his work within our relationship and know I need to do mine.

I decided to come out to a coffee shop and talk with a friend about their trip away and I already feel so much better. I'm still so nervous about my intrusive thoughts later but hoping the flat viewing will give me something exciting to discuss with him

Glad you're feeling better, a good chat with a friend is a great remedy.
Without wanting to go on, be cautious that him wanting to leave his family home is not necessarily a leap of commitment to you. And while it can be difficult when your partner suffers with anxiety, it is also quite easy to pin any problems or issues on the anxiety. It's not all your fault when things are tricky.
Therapy and friends and kindness to yourself are key for you, you're definitely able to get through this and be happier :)

Thank you so much for this insight and for not being judgemental about it.
I'm just gonna keep pushing on and focusing on the flat we're getting and be wary of what you mentioned