Default parenting causing resentment

[JosieB68]

How do you get past the resentment to your other half when you are the default parent and actually the default for everything?
Prior to having kids we were financially 50/50 but I did do 90% of cooking, cleaning, washing etc and when it’s just 2 of you that was fine.
Now I feel like I’m an unpaid maid, DH share is grass cutting and some laundry.
I think he thinks, although categorically denies this that because he keeps up financially afloat he isn’t responsible for the rest.
I have had discussions, tears, arguments about the mental and physical load on me and his come back is always just ask me, write a list!
Now the resentment is kicking in, I have very little time to myself.
He works away, think one week working, one week at home although not quite set in stone.
The week he’s at home he has 2 full days 10 hours each day to himself whilst I work, child in nursery.
Rest of the week I take little one to activities so he has at least 2 hours alone on those days. I’ve asked him to take her instead but he refuses as these groups tend to be mums.
Does no cooking and as I’ve said minimal housework, no proper cleaning. Why should I have to explain again and again to a grown man bathrooms need cleaned.
Do couples seriously break up over this stuff? Because even writing it down all I feel is resentment.

Do you both work full time?

Before you had children, you did 90% of everything. You say that was fine but I don't think it was. You established certain routines and expectations in those years that have simply continued.

@Oodlesof
i work part time and he works full time but that could be 4 weeks working away then home a few weeks. So when he’s away I have no choice but to do it all alone but when he’s home that pretty much continues.
Honestly before kids it really wasn’t an issue, we both worked full time then so house wasn’t ever that messy, washing was way less, we both had free time. But you are right that routine has stuck and obviously is way harder to maintain once you have children.

But that still means he wasn't doing his fair share. Surely even his fair share was small, there was simply no excuse for him not doing it?

So you're had heated conversations, he's still not getting it, so on his days off you leave a ' to do list' what ever that looks like,

Children's activities, yes he needs to do his share, no if or buts he's doing it, doesn't matter if it's mainly mums, and believe me it's not mainly mum thing, thats a cop out ,

You need to be stronger, the ' conversations haven't worked ' so now for job lists, you plan some me time when he does the Children's activities ,

Batch cook and freeze you can both share that activity, he prep vegetables, send with shopping list to supermarket, and so on,

Yes couples do split over this, I think we did, obliquely. I was a SAHM but he did literally nothing around his 9-5, where I felt I was working 24/7. He didn't disagree that he should do more, but made it clear that he wouldn't. It ended in resentment and arguments and then he had an affair. Looking back a tiny part of me feels like I should have just sucked it up as my life is now an absolute shambles, but it really just wasn't fair. The amount of hours he spent on his butt, leaving dirty laundry everywhere, making a huge mess, never even thinking about the kids bedtime/dinner time etc even on the weekends. It just wasn't a partnership. I was meant to be so grateful and all worshipping for his salary, as if only his labour had value. He bloody loves his job!

How do you get rid of the resentment?
You don't!

You have every reason to feel resentful. Your resentment is incredibly justified.
Yes, couples break up over this. Actually, there's a massive shift going in where the primary cause of divorce used to be infidelity. Now we're seeing mostly women filing for divorce from men who think that a paycheck is all they need to contribute to the family.

You don't get rid of resentment when the cause or the resentment is still ongoing, every single day.

There are a lot of great channels in FB and IG from men and women who have made big changes to their family and started sharing the mental load. I've personally learned a lot from watching them. I was lucky enough to get my husband on board and he's grown so much as a partner since then. But without a doubt, if he hadn't gotten on board I would have left him.
Check out:

• Abby Eckel
• Adam Cam
• Dr. Morgan Cutlip
• Paige Connell
• Zach Watson
• Jimmy Knowles
• DRV Law
• Katie McCabe
• Nick Mathiash

Yes, we absolutely did split up over this. Was a huge relief not to feel angry whenever I had to do a chore.

How many days/hours do you work? How old is your child/children? When he's 'at home' is he actually working from home or just off work completely? Need more information to advise I think.

Can you afford a cleaner? My Husband is messy and can't see dirt. We have a cleaner even though we scrimp elsewhere as it's a marriage lifesaver. My Husband could never face a baby group but he loved taking them to the playground, swimming or into town for adventures with a picnic at this age. Are these options? My husband also loves bath and bedtime. Can you get him to take over after dinner and get yourself out to the gym/ out for a walk or just relax in a different room?

Don't let the resentment build. Get marriage therapy if he'll agree to it.

oh yes - absolutely people split up over this! The resentment and disgust I felt at my ex not lifting a hand to help around the house was very real. (He didn't work, so I was the sole earner!) In fact not only did he not help he made the mess worse! He's no longer living in the same house as us and now the house is cleaner and tidier than when he was here because every time I went to clear somewhere / something out I was told to stop doing that because it made him feel guilty that I was doing it - in other words he knew full well that he should have been pulling his weight and was not!!! Then there was the weaponised incompetence - he put on some laundry once and shrank my favourite top - I of course was unhappy about this but yet somehow I ended up apologising to him because I was annoyed?! (WTAF) As for dishes and housework - I'd go through the house like whirlwind on a Friday after work in the hope that the house might be tidy for the weekend, if I went away and came home a couple of days later - the dishes weren't even put in the dishwasher never mind washed!!!

It's the attitude that his time was his own and mine was to be a servant to him and the kids!! His entitlement knew no bounds!!

Now that's he's no longer here I can do what I want when I want and how I want!! Freedom!! It's awesome!!

Yes.
It's not fair but you allowed this.

Stop doing any thing for him.

I would ask him to write a list. Ask him does he like having clean clothes to wear. Then ask him to write out the steps to making that happen. Ask him what will you ise to wash it what if it runs out etc.

If you have two kids then he does all clothing for the boy and you do for the girl. Maybe swap every 6 months so one isn't neglected.

On the week he's at home for two days day he's in charge of all the food for everyone. Thinking about what they like, shopping, prepping, top ups and batch cooking etc

My reasons for still doing everting is I don’t want to live in filth or my child to either and I want them to also eat a proper meal so as a previous poster said he does use weaponised incompetence to get out of cooking as his excuse is he’s not good at it I’m better etc.
He does take child out to the park, walks, swimming to be fair.
I work 2 days, long hours for not much pay so because finically I don’t contribute much any time I bring up the suggestion of a cleaner I’m put down with we can’t afford it.
When he’s working away it can be 4 weeks at a time, long hours. But also shorter trips of a week or so, it’s not fixed rota so when he’s home that could be for a week, two, three and in that time he is not working from home, his time is his own.
Some how when I bring up my feelings towards unfair share of responsibilities it goes back to me being unreasonable so I guess that’s why I’m complaining on mumsnet to vent really.
But everyone is right thanks need to change and I genuinely appreciate everyone’s advice! Thank you.

Give him one chance by writing to do lists. If he still fucks it up, get rid. He will have to clean his own shit stained toilet bowl going forwards

Right - so you ensure you get 20 hours a week when he’s home completely to yourself too.

And when he’s home you only do half of everything else - whatever the consequences.

Abso-bloody-lutely couples break up over this. My dh tried the I can’t cook when we got married, the ‘I’m doing my best’ I still get a red rage at those words. If you can read and you’re not mentally or physically handicapped then I’m doing my best for cooking means you’ve made a decent meal, nothing less than that is your best so get back into the kitchen and try again if you want to eat in this house. We would most certainly have broken up as I’m not his mum.

what can you change? Do you do his washing? Stop. Do you ever pick up anything of his? Bin bag in a corner of the room. ‘That’s your stuff, I’m largely a single mum and I can’t keep up without a cleaner. I’ll just start binning it soon as it makes me so mad you won’t contribute and also won’t pay for someone to. I think I’ll end up telling every soul I know- they think you look after us, they will look at you differently. And say no, to anything that doesn’t suit you. Visiting his parents? No, you take the kids. You’ve been away for 4 weeks, I need a break. Bbq at his friends? No, you take the kids, I work parent and do all the housework, I haven’t had an hour to myself in weeks, no way am I spending 2 hours at your friends.

If you split up you’ll have to do the chores anyway, and find the means to finance everything surely?