I need help, psychological, mental, financial and advice…

[lisa299]

Been married for 6 years with ups and downs, I see myself as a deep person who has strong feelings and desire for emotional love. My husband on the other hand is focused more on facts, traditional roles and when it comes to feelings and romance his more superficial. This is not the main problem, the main problem is he sees me as the root cause of the problems in our marriage became usually I am the one that makes a fuss when something feels odd. So when I bring up something, I can’t quite name the behaviour but I don’t feel settled by the answers he gives, with his words and vibe I just don’t feel emotionally secure sometimes. He does sometimes reassurance me too but the times I feel loved compared to questioning if I am loved in this relationship is less. Long story short, I feel very lonely and from my previous conversations with him about this his not the type that takes this kinda talk very well, he usually withdraws himself saying, ‘I’m doing everything to make you happy, I hugged you yesterday I guess you forgot about it, if my effort is not recognised why should I even try, you’re so ungrateful’ kinda sentences. I am soooo unhappy in this house, I love him but not being seen kills me and then it’s like I better end this and live alone then live together with him and die to be seen. We have a 3 year old daughter as well so theres also the financial side of all this. I don’t have a career so where do I start, how do I pay for the rent and the expenses without expecting anything from him coz I wanna cut all ties because I don’t think I will be ready to see him move on and I don’t ever be dependent on him. And I don’t want this financial situation to be the thing that holds me back because I deserve love, I don’t wanna rot waiting for attention and eventually get dumped by him. This sounds really bad obviously but as a women with a kid it’s going to be difficult to start all over again as a older women. Or I’m just really messed up in the head, I just want to save myself from further damage at this point, I don’t know what to do…

Yes you do deserve love.

I am sat here reading your post OP and wondering if there are other things he does that makes you feel so unsafe, or unloved. I had a marriage like yours. Did not have a career and was financially dependent on my exh. But my exh was quite abusive. Would withhold love and affection, withdraw, blame me for things he apparently set out for me to do but never told me. Would take the house keys with him to work so I was stuck at home, etc. You get the picture.

It sounds like your partner is telling you this is all you are going to get, accept it and stop bothering him. Not wanting him to move on because its going to hurt, well it hurts now and I promise it will surprise you, if he does move on quickly, how less of a pain it will be. Its often those thoughts that keep us in settings that are emotionally unhealthy. Also, you need to show your DD what love means, and that its not conditional or transactional.

Your partner is hoping he can discipline you into believing what he gives you is the best, and what you are worth to him. And dare you ask for more you get gaslit into submission and confusion.

Do you have family you can stay with till you are back on your feet properly?
You are entitled to benefits if you do leave, you can go onto a website called entitled2 I think its called. Also, there is the maintenance that should be paid as well.

Thank you for the reply! Sorry to hear you went through something similar, unfortunately I feel stuck. I can’t be certain of my feelings it’s like would I regret leaving and if I do I don’t wanna tuck my tail and comeback. I wish he was at a stage where to was aware and realise things before it’s too late. I always find myself typing long paragraphs to him to explain myself and these too lead to arguments. I’ve had enough but I need courage to walk away. I don’t see my family unfortunately and they’re also not in the position to help me..