Dealing with pressure from girlfriend

[LucyL93]

I first realised I was bi 5 months ago, I’m in my 30s. I met my current girlfriend very quickly after this 4 months ago. I am really struggling to come out and tell people about her. I have told my best friend that’s it. I really want to come out but I am struggling. It’s more about how I feel about being bi/with another woman, than worrying about judgement from other people (although that is still a factor). My friends are not homophobic so my girlfriend cannot understand why I am struggling to tell them. I keep trying to explain to her that it’s me and that I’m struggling to get my head around it but I just need time. She does not understand it seems. Trouble is that I’m in love with her.
She is upset that she feels hidden which I totally understand and breaks my heart a bit. But she is putting me under a lot of pressure to come out. She is not being particularly supportive of my process, not really talking about it, only that I need to tell people and that’s it’s.
Her attitude is putting me off her really, a little. I need a supportive partner otherwise what’s the point?
How can I explain so she understands my struggle. I want us to work through this together, not go apart. Thanks for reading 🙏

If I were her friend I’d tell her to leave and suggest you need more time to get to grips with how you feel about your sexuality. So I’m afraid I see her point of view more than yours.

I agree. Sorry OP but I don’t think you’re being fair in your gf right now and you’re being quite selfish imo.

You need time to come to terms with and be more open about your sexuality before you are in right place to date.

What they said. You’re very new to all this, but she isn’t, and she doesn’t want to be your slightly ashamed secret. It sounds like you’re not in the right headspace yet for a relationship.

I can see this from both sides.

4 weeks after you realised you're bi, you jumped into a relationship, so it's obviously all new to you.

If (and it's a big if because you don't say,) you told her all of this then she should've questioned whether or not she wanted to jump into a relationship with someone who has this much 'baggage' for want of a better phrase.

I think if I were you I'd knock the relationship on the head until you've got used to it yourself.

Completely agree with this.

It’s taken you years to come to this point, to understand your own feelings, 4 months is nothing.

Why is she so determined you need to be a labeled couple? To whose benefit? Generally people don’t care if you are together or not, it’s doesn’t change anything.

So much pressure for such a short relationship.

Because some people, having fought their way out of the closet, refuse to allow anyone to stuff them back into it. I'm with previous posters that the OP is not yet ready for this relationship and would be unfair to expect her current girlfriend to go along with the secrecy.

Four months is still very early in a relationship. Many people wouldn’t have introduced their partner to their friends at that stage. It sounds like the relationship itself is still gelling and you aren’t sure about it yourself at this stage. Be honest with her about how you are feeling. It’s not a serious relationship for you yet . You probably don’t even know her that well. I wonder if this is your first real relationship? Perhaps it’s just adjusting to being in a relationship, not the fact that you are in a same sex partnership that’s taking time to get used to.

She’s your experiment in being lesbian. If you keep her secret, you can go back to being straight once you’ve had your fun, if you so choose, and no one important will know. You both know this is what you’re doing. That’s why she’s upset.

I actually am taking your side here unlike everyone else. She got together wirh you knowing you weren’t out yet and weren’t ready to tell everyone. I am straight but my sister is bi and it was so hard for her to come out. If your girlfriend wanted an out-and-proud girlfriend she didn’t have to date you. Do not come out until you’re ready. It’s only been a few months since you realised you’re bi- if she dumps you for not being ready to come out, you’re better off without her.

If she wanted someone who was already out and proud, she shouldn’t have gone for you. But she did. And it’s not up to her when you’re ready to be out. You are still adjusting (presumably she’s already been out for a while) and if she can’t deal with that, she knows where the door is.

Can’t believe how awful some people on this thread are being, though unfortunately I know there is a lot of toxicity between the gay/lesbian community and the bi one.

What a ridiculous post

You need a bit of courage OP. So take a deep breath and tell your friends and family about your gf. It probably won’t be big news for them and no big deal. I think you’ve built it up in your head to be a bigger thing than it actually is.

I don’t think you can have it both ways here.

How can I explain so she understands my struggle. I want us to work through this together, not go apart. Thanks for reading

I don’t think you can, she may well have faced both coming out herself and finding that easier than you do and also already had this dynamic in a relationship and know how it goes down.

Ultimately she can understand your struggle, and still not be obligated to stay in the relationship because of your choices.

It was really unfair to get with a woman when you hadn't come to terms with your sexuality yourself.

Now you are taking your own feelings of confusion and layering them on her.

Thing is if she's in her 30s she's been there and done this with other women who weren't sure about their sexuality or not ready to come out - 10 years ago. She's absolutely over it now and she wants a relationship without that baggage.

This is also what the song "Good Luck, Babe" is about.

This is exactly it. OP not being out yet isn't just OP's issue, it affects her girlfriend and is potentially quite triggering for the girlfriend as well as maybe directly affecting her in some ways too.

I'm in my late thirties, I've been out 20 years. I wouldn't be willing to start dating someone in the closet now. I did try it, some years back. If we met in her home town (where she still lived! and a picturesque, tourist-inducing place with plenty of cafes etc - objectively a good place to meet), we had to look just like friends, in case someone who knew her parents happened to pass by. I don't need to meet someone's friends and family within a few months of seeing them, but I also don't want to sneak around or worry about bumping into people.

Tbh I'm also not interested in dating someone newly out, at this point. It's necessarily a pretty self-indulgent process, some of the angst about it can involve airing internalised homophobia (or biphobia) which I no longer want in my personal orbit. It's miles away from where I am now. This may not be relevant to OP's girlfriend, and clearly lots of women start dating other women later in life and it's fine, but also lots of lesbians or bi women don't want to get involved for very good reason, and that's fine too.