How to be a good MIL/ grandparent

[Allotmentblackfly]

Son and girlfriend having first baby in November. How can I be the best mother in law / grandparent I can be?

Great advice so far!
One thing (of many many things) that my MIL does to bug me is to question why I do things a certain way. She doesn't necessarily agree with them - as simple as cuddling my LB to sleep...
Things have changed in the 30 odd years that she had her kids. More studies have been done but of course, they are wrong. Her parenting was 100% correct the whole time!

Just asking the question here proves your heart is in the best place.

I think you should constantly ask yourself the question 'what could make my DIL and sons life easier right now?'
If the answer to that is you need to leave, then leave. If it's to drop off a home cooked meal a few times a week, great.
Your connection to your grandchild will go through his parents. If you focus on being a positive person in their lives, the relationship with your grandchild will flow naturally. So don't only focus on getting to know your grandchild. Be the person who offers support and care to the parents, but also the person who knows when to back off when needed and give them space.

Small things make the difference, like asking your DIL how she's doing when you go for your first baby visit before fawning all over the baby.

I echo all of the brilliant advice above!

• Offer to cook them meals / stock up the freezer before the baby arrives
• Understand that guidelines have changed since we were babies
• Offer to do household jobs when you visit
• Check in with them about the type of toys they would like in the house! We expressly asked for nothing with batteries and my MIL has ONLY bought stuff with batteries...

You will be brilliant ❤

She is horrified that DW wants to breastfeed, constantly going on about "what if granny wants to feed baby, DW will have to express bottles". Gets visibly upset when told the priority is the way of feeding that works best for mum and baby.

Thinking about this from Idabelle

Our biggest Grandparent issue was when they asked/pestered/demanded to do something that would make them happy but wasn’t actually good for the child/parents.

So for example pressuring us to stay for dinner when the extra 2 hours delay in getting home would mean an overtired baby screaming through bedtime. They didn’t see/experience the screaming and enjoyed dinner so didn’t see why we kept refusing.

Your focus as a Grandparent (and as a parent) is what is best for the child (eg breastfeeding) not what you’d like to do (eg feed the baby)

Of course Grandparents are really key and important people in their grandchildren’s lives but they have to remember the needs of the child come before what’s fun for them.

Thank you all so much. I will be reading and re reading this thread before November

Exactly! You sound lovely OP

This is a really good point. I found it weird when my mil used to talk to only me about what baby clothes ours needed or she'd made, or ask me about how the baby is feeding and what were doing to wean.
We have a great relationship and it could be just a way to bond with me but I would try and direct her back to her son to ensure she didn't presume I was the primary carer just because I was a woman

Don't act desperate or obsessive.

Don't build your life around them.

Be busy and interesting as well as interested.

Talk to your dil about her and don't focus on the gcs only.

Just don't give your opinion unless asked.

My friend’s MIL is pretty great. She started off well by cultivating a strong relationship with my friend and treating her with respect and by showing interest in her life, family, career and opinions. She was very much ‘just say the word if I can help, but I’ll not bother you otherwise’.

When my friend had her first child, MIL came when asked and before even looking at baby hugged her DIL and said ‘ how are you love?’ She brought a gift for DIL and showed genuine concern and kindness to her saying new mums were queens and deserved to be treated as such with a suitable hard stare at her ( actually very nice) son.

Of course they didn’t always agree, but maintained a positive relationship throughout.

My own experiences were a little more mixed, but there was mutual respect and enough common feeling to maintain a friendly and mutually supportive relationship. I mourn my MIL sincerely. I suspect this is more common and the norm than otherwise where MIL and DIL are normal, civilised, decent people.

Ask your son and DIL what would be helpful for them. When my DC were little I had three under four and was a SAHM and was desperate for someone to take the baby so I could have a break. But a working parent might feel the opposite - that they don't have much time with the baby and would like someone to tidy the kitchen so they can hold their baby in peace. Don't assume!

Help rather than demand and don’t impose yourself on them. Visiting in the early days will be welcomed more if you offer to do day to day chores like washing, fetching shopping, cooking, vacuuming etc (if local offer to change their bedding and take home to wash assuming they have two sets for instance, it’s a necessary job and when tired it’s the one I hate the most for some reason). Listen to issues ask how you can help basically.

once baby is bigger offer to babysit when they are ready, varies depending on individuals (some are ready after 6 weeks, some 6 months others years!)

the answer is dont treat your son or his partner like children, respect their time and need for space as a couple/family. make it know you want to help but dont want to step over any boundaries and if they do have boundaries do not take it personally. you sound like your going to be a good grandparent congratulations

Don’t expect anyone to provide you with entertainment or social networks.

Bring casseroles for their freezer.

Show interest in your dil and don’t treat her as a vessel for your gcs.

Keep your trap shut unless asked about parenting issues.

Do not ever slag off your dil or your ds to the other. Stay neutral as always.

I’m a MIL and have a DIL and SIL but I’m not yet a grandma. I think we have a very good relationship with our children and their spouses and they express similar thoughts.

Basically we treat them like adult friends and don’t make any assumptions. We’ve made it clear that there are no expectations about things and everything is up for discussion if they want to. For example they do what they want at Christmas - we don’t expect them to have to do strict rotas with other ILs or always come to us or anything like that. It seems to work out that way as it happens but every Christmas we say ‘You do whatever you want to do, you’re always welcome here and we are always willing to travel but equally you have other people to consider so we will work around you or will see you in January or whatever.’ I think we have a better relationship because they don’t feel under any obligations so when we see them it’s because they’ve chosen it.

We also don’t give advice unless it’s asked for and make it clear that if we are asked for advice and give it, they’re not obliged to follow it. We respect the way they run their homes and fit in with their house rules. We offer help but always say that it’s fine if they want to do it themselves. For example I’ve helped DIL with some decorating and gardening and helped both couples move house. We always say ‘We’re here and willing if you need us but no worries if you’re sorted.’

Things that my own mum did well
as a grandma was:

Tell me often we were doing a good job as parents.

Ask what would be suitable birthday and Christmas presents before buying something.

Followed the way I wanted things done (according to latest advice) so no ‘Oh it’s fine to feed him rusks at 12 weeks’ or whatever.

Treated all the grandchildren fairly and equally - she still keeps a list of money she’s given for exam successes/weddings etc to make sure she treats the other GC the same!

Had the GC to stay on their own when they were old enough to give us a break and them a fun time. She would research good places to take them in her locality and planned lovely days out for them.

She is the absolute champion of her DC (my DSis and I) her son in laws and her DGC. She’s always on our side and thinks her DGC are the cleverest, most beautiful and loveliest humans to ever walk the planet!!

The very fact that you’re asking this question OP means that you will do a fab job.

100% this.

Gosh you sound wonderful and so does your Mum. Your children and GC are lucky.

First post nails it... especially praising your DIL.. she will have heard plenty about how amazing your son is from everyone probably when he does anything parenting related haha 😅😅

This is a late response but you might be coming back to this thread soon as the baby is due in No.
My MIL was nice to my face and behind my back would tell her son what she really thought of what she referred to as ‘my parenting choices’. Used to tell her son I was lucky to have him as he had a house and I didn’t. Wanted the baby to call her mamma. Commented how few mom friends I have managed to make (never asked me about this, just assumed). Would have a go at me for things I said to her son that related to our child. Often started a visit by jumping on me with a ‘what do I hear you’ve said to my Xxx about xxxx??’. Used the phrase ‘we did this with our children and their survived’. One of the first things she said to me on their first visit out of the hospital was that she was right and I was wrong about something baby related. Gave me tonnes of unsolicited advice, every time I saw her and criticised me for not consulting her more in front of people. Her son didn’t see any of it as an issue. Needless to say- we are no longer together.

I couldnt agree more with someone who said that you should try to treat it as if your DIL and son were your friends who have had a baby.

@Allotmentblackflycan’t be too long now ! Best wishes to you all

That’s very sweet!!!! 3 weeks to go