How to be a good MIL/ grandparent

[Allotmentblackfly]

Son and girlfriend having first baby in November. How can I be the best mother in law / grandparent I can be?

Don’t give advice or interfere. Ask what they need, don’t impose yourself. Tell them they’re doing a great job. Praise your DIL. Offer to babysit when the baby is old enough. Cook them meals if you live close enough from time to time. Just be there to listen if required.

Just posting this thread proves you already are! I love this! ❤️

All the above ,offer to do some washing for them to help out.Congratulations by the way it is the best feeling being a grandparent.I use to stay at my children’s houses occasionally when they had given birth to do night feeds so they could have a good nights sleep.My daughters tell me how grateful they were for that.

This. You’ve clearly got the ability to think about others so you’ll be fine :)

What others have said. I hope the wedding goes well.

As a MIL, I keep it zipped and am supportive. As a grandmother I hope to do what I am asked to and otherwise not to interfere. I will liaise over oresents and clothes.

Offer suggestions when asked but don’t have any expectations of what things will look like once babies here.
support your dil offer her help during her pregnancy and once babies here
ask how you can help, what would be useful
ask your ds nearer the time when they want you to visit after babies born. Respect their wishes

When my grandson was on the way, the hospital ran a grandparent evening which was such a good idea. Things have obviously changed since my son was born. The advice then was put them to sleep on their tummy, bumpers in the cot and start weaning them at 3-4 months. All of that has completely changed and this evening passed the new information on. It was a brilliant idea. You can access these courses on line if your local anti natal department doesn’t do them.

Don't offer criticism to DIL even if you think it's constructive. Make her feel like she is as important as a human being as your own son is. You don't have to love her as much, just don't treat her as if her life's purpose is to serve your child and keep them happy. Encourage your son to treat her well and support her.

I love the quote from Maya Angelou “Do your best, and when you know better do better”. It’s really important to keep up to date with modern practices (safety advice, weaning etc) and NEVER hark back to how you did things when yours were little.

Dont say things that could be interpreted as criticisms (even if it's not what you mean). Don't be just interested in the baby; Be concerned about your DIL's health and recovery, and how the pregnancy is going for her. Too often, mums feel treated as incubator whose mission is to produce grandkids.

Even though you’ll be desperate to see and hold your new grandchild, try not to obsess about the first weeks. It won’t set the dynamic of what follows. Depending on your DILs’s relationship with her parents and their proximity they may be around more than you are in the early days but just remember that they are looking after their daughter who has just given birth and she is probably more comfortable with them waiting on her than you, particularly when she is hormonal and knackered and might be snappy or unreasonable at times.

When you visit, pick up on cues that they might be tired and ready for you to leave and leave without taking offence. It’s better to leave sooner than you could have than later than they would have wished.

I’m sure you are wise enough not to give advice or repeatedly compare your grandchild to your own children. As others have noted; the fact that you are even asking this question bodes well for your future relationships with the new family.

This is great advice, especially the point that what happens in the first few weeks will not set the dynamic of what follows. I have found this to be very true.

I’d also add be prepared to give emotional support to your son in a way you might not have had to for years. If things are not straightforward around the time of your grandchild’s birth and soon after, it can be an emotionally challenging time for men too.

All the very best to you and your family!

Never ever say ‘in my day we put baby to sleep on their tummy/ left them in their room all night/ had cot bumpers etc and all my children survived’ . So infuriating.

Why not talk to your DIL and establish an understanding/ boundaries now. We can offer generic advice but your DIL probably has specific want and needs just like you do.

Don’t offer any suggestions, advice or criticism. If looking after the baby, do exactly what they say and follow their rules regardless of what you think of them.

Superb advice above.
We all want a cuddle but what the new parents really love is you taking a photo of them with the baby. Make the cup of tea rather than expect them to host you on your first visit. Don’t overstay as they’ll be worn out.
In the future step in with a meal/help when they’re unwell or frazzled with work.
My DiL prefers sleepovers (no cleaning up required plus there’s a lie in). Unprompted offers and an acknowledgment that they need time together as a couple are always appreciated.
Never compete with the other GP for time with DGC. Work in a team as part of the extended family.

Admire the baby, sympathise, pop in for short periods offering but not insisting on doing household jobs, love your DIL as much as you can.

Tell them both that they are doing a good job and the baby is beautiful, and tell them often.

Bring food.

Do not offer advice unless asked for.

And please don't pressure them to give you alone time with the baby. Don't nag about when the baby can stay the night. They will let you know when they're ready. If you're willing, let them know, then wait.

And last of all, don't ever, ever do what my mother did, which was to become sour with jealousy and try and compete for the baby's attention.

Take your cue from your DIL. Obviously you will be desperate to see the new baby, but check with your DS when would be welcome - and don’t stay very long for the first visit. Whatever they choose to call the baby, tell them it’s a lovely name. Ask what they would like for the baby, rather than imposing your taste on the. (My niece has an MIL who goes in for smocked dresses and very “traditional” baby wear, which DN doesn’t care for, and has told her MIL so, but it doesn’t stop her from buying said items. Don’t be that MIL! ) And don’t be needy - if DIL sees her own mother every single day and you only see them once a month, so be it - no-one likes snide remarks. The problem always with MILs is that they are the son’s mother, but they often visit when the son isn’t around. If possible, visit when your DS is at home.

If they have any rules like no kissing the baby, then just say OK that's fine, and don't try sneakily do it. I'm pregnant currently and we're told that very firmly by the NHS, but get a lot of pushback sometimes from people.

I'm pregnant with my first so a long way from being a mother in law but I would text when she's into the 3rd trimester "I have a couple days free coming up, is there anything you'd like help with? I could come help you with stuff at the house, or if you'd like meals prepping, please place your orders :). I'd be really happy to"

I'm terrible at accepting help but even I might say yes to that lol

As long as you respect them both and remember as exciting as it is to become a grandmother, the pregnant mother can be having a tough time and her needs come first after birth, you'll be fine ❤️

First thing I could say is don’t force your way through, which I am sure you wouldn’t if you’re already asking how to be ‘good’ at it. I think it causes tension and has the reverse affect. Perhaps help with more practical things initially - you know how utterly tiring it is and you just want to be with baby and I think first time mums can find it hard to offer the baby to anyone nevermind family. And maybe perhaps ask how you can best help, not everyone is forthcoming so if you are told oh it’s ok, think of some gentle ways to help, offering tea can be an amazing help. I hope you enjoy yourselves welcoming a newborn, I am sure it will be an amazing time.

I think it goes better if you think of babysitting as something to help the parents, not to help you bond with the baby. Be led by the parents in what would be helpful.

If you’re a MIL, treat your son as a full and equal parent - don’t assume that your DIL will take on all baby-related admin e.g. setting up play dates/babysitting/grandparent visits. Hopefully your son will want to include you in all that and he should take the lead with his side of the family. (Obviously once baby is at home and mum is on mat leave with dad back at work, it might become normal/natural for you to message her during the week rather than him.) Try and treat your DIL as a person (and your son’s chosen partner) not just a means of “giving you a grandchild”.

Remember you’re still a mother yourself. Babies are wonderful and exciting and new, but both my husband and I found it a little hurtful how much keener both our mothers were to see us, phone us, have joint holidays, get updates and photos once there was a grandchild there too!

Focus on your DIL not just the baby. (For goodness sake don’t say Hi and then grab the baby)

Offer help but don’t insist if it’s politely declined.

Avoid competitive Grandparenting. Which Grandmother holds the baby first is entirely irrelevant.

Don’t criticise the parents to the child.

Don’t criticise the other Grandparents (in fact if you aren’t already, make an effort to make friends with them(

Dont criticise whichever name they pick, even if it isn’t to your taste, even if they named the baby after someone on her side and not yours.

Don’t buy huge toys that won’t fit in their house.

spending the most money won’t make you the favourite Grandparents.

Offer sensible and sensitive advice WHEN ASKED.

Follow the parents’ rules (even if they are different to the ones you followed, it’s been 30 years, views change)

Remember that you have entirely forgotten how hard it is.

Most of all, be easy and restful to be around. Grandparents who get the most visits/time with Grandchildren are positive, relaxed, happy people who play with the kids or pitch in and help as required. If every visit with you causes drama you’ll see them less.

I'm pretty much in your son's position as, as my DW is currently pregnant with our first (same sex couple).

Honestly, I was so looking forward to seeing my DM become a granny but she has become so hyper focused on the baby it has been hard.

Some things I've found hard:

• I don't think she has asked how I am once since she found out DW was pregnant. All she ever asks is how is DW, any updates on pregnancy. I understand this from others, but would have hoped my own mother could maintain some interest in me. I was literally hospitalized for a night and all she said was 'oh that must be so hard on DW'. Didn't even ask why I was in hospital.

• her repeatedly asking to go to scans and to be present at the birth, even after being told no. This is the kind of thing you wait to be invited for, and definitely don't continue asking after you've been told no.

• she is horrified that DW wants to breastfeed, constantly going on about "what if granny wants to feed baby, DW will have to express bottles". Gets visibly upset when told the priority is the way of feeding that works best for mum and baby.

I can only imagine all this will ramp up when baby arrives, and it's making me want to keep her at arms length.

So basically, I would say try to see your role for now as supporting the parents, follow their lead.
When the child is a little older, you can be close with them, but right now the parents need you more than baby does.

Ask about xmas and birthday presents.
my son has been given giant toys- we have no room for them!