Advice needed asap

[Mumof3xoxx]

So this is a bit of a long story but here goes. Me and my current partner got together 2 years ago. We did have an affair which neither of us are proud of so please don’t judge. I’m just seeking help on here.

we have been through many ups and downs, a lot of lies to other people and disrespect. I hold my hands up to the mess we have made for ourselfs.

i have two children to previous partner. To which when our affair started I left almost immediately and cut my previous relationship off on all aspects.
my current partner has two children also to his previous but there was a lot of going back and forth for him, which I know has led to confusion with everyone.
hia children never accepted it from the start.

hia children are 20 and 19.
we have just had a baby on Sunday which everyone was fully aware of my pregnancy, everyone knew he was coming.

but the past couple of days since our little boy has been born his children have now gave him an ultimatum it’s either me and the new baby or them. They are not allowing there to be any middle grounds. They don’t want anything to do with the baby at the moment which I understand and live in hope that one day they will as they will and are a big part of our little boys life.

I don’t know what we do here as we both want to be together. We don’t know how to fix this.

so I guess I’m looking to see if anyone has went through anything like this or can give me some genuine advice. I would really appreciate it.

thank you x

I think you both made your bed and now you have to lie in it. What did either of you expect when you had an affair, kids involved on both sides, and then decided to immediately add another baby to the chaos? You can’t change the past OP and you can’t dictate how all the people you hurt feel going forward.

Clearly some sort of balance needs to be sought either a compromise of your partner's time and money or a compromise on their part. It will work itself out but I would keep to the course and remember you can't change the past or really control this situation. If it's finances they're worried about (kids in this situation rarely gain in this respect and they probably know this too) it might help to decide with your partner where you're willing to split your finances and be clear and open with them about it.

You chose to have an affair and his messing around with his family hasn’t helped

your partner has to decide what he wants you and the baby or his kids. At the age they are at they well know what they are doing and how it might end

What do you expect? You have wrecked their lives and then expect them to play happy families with you and your new baby! You sound very entitled and pushy.

I’m not clear if you have you DC from your previous relationship with you as well.

Tbh I don’t blame his kids. They’re young adults old enough to form their own views and they obviously don’t like you. Their father and you threw a bomb unto their lives so why would you now expect them to act like you’re the Brady Bunch?

Actions have consequences. You can’t do anything other than be a good mum to your son and wait for whatever decision your DP comes to.

We are fully aware of what we done and who we have hurt. I take no pride in that. I’m not gloating on it, I was being honest about our situation. We aren’t the first people to have an affair and won’t be the last. But that does not make it any easier for everyone else involved

@Vaxtable we are trying to figure a way to have all of them in his life but his older children don’t seem to be compromising which I understand also.

@Justhere65 im not expecting them to play happy families with me, I want them in their dads life, but with me and our new baby also being in their dads life. If it means I have to wait years for them to even think about coming round to me that is what would need to happen, but I am allowed to wish they have some sort of relationship with their new brother. That’s what I was asking for advice on.

Most young adults wouldn't want anything to do with a baby, regardless of its parentage. Give his kids a break. Bad enough what their dad did, but now to have the OW and offspring shoved in their faces is selfish to say the least. They also have loyalties towards their mother who no doubt is still traumatised by his and your actions. No sympathy from me OP, except for the children of his marriage.

Your partners children are now adults and are free to make their own decisions. You can’t force them to want anything to do with you or their new half sibling. Leave them alone and let them get on with their lives. Maybe when they’re older they will have a change of mind but right now they are on their DM’s side and there’s nothing wrong with that. After the pain and hurt you have caused them you can’t have what you want.

There is bound to be a lot of hurt around and I think you just have to give it all time and space.
I think their dad has to say that he is sorry for the hurt you all caused but he loves them and he loves you and he hopes to still have them in his life, wants them in his life - maybe keep the two families separate for now. He can still meet up with his kids and be a good dad and partner to you and your new son together.

If his kids are reluctant, he has to keep trying and offering - he is the parent here and the effort has to come from him.
so, if he offers meeting them for lunch or a coffee out on Saturday and they refuse - so be it. Offer again and again and again.
I would not be forcing you or the new baby onto them - as they mature, hopefully they will come round eventually but that part of the 'blended family' must be on their terms and when they are ready.
Enjoy your new baby - that time is very precious for you, your partner and your little one.

You have caused considerable hurt to their mother and as their protector she must come first. They have seen the hurt at home, a mother depressed, upset, angry, you have changed their lives beyond recognition.

They aren’t interested in small children and they do not have to form a relationship.

I would guess he has never been a present father anyways.

Good luck, bit lower your expectations.

These things take time OP. It's only been 2 years and they are very young adults with little to no life experience of the grey areas of life.

My mother had an affair and divorced for her AP.
I was only a child under 10 at the time. Although young I felt a lot of anger/resentment towards my mother at the time and even though after the initial storm was over and we were back into the swing of things in our new 'blended" life, there was still a very subtle slight undercurrent of resentment within me towards her and my stepdad.

However now as a woman in my thirties with my own young family with toddlers and a DP, I have a completely different perspective.
I can now see how bad my mum's marriage actually was and I really do not blame her anymore. There were hidden debts from my father almost resulting in bankruptcy and my mum losing the house, no intimacy and my father although a kind man was absolutely useless with any kind of housework. He is a man child, a huge liar a later found out (pretending to go to work but really sleeping in his car) and a very very odd man. My mum went back to work when my baby brother was 4-6 weeks old because she had young mouths to feed and no money coming in and bailiffs about to turn up.

I didn't know, see or understand any of this at the time. In my mind my father was this lovely, kind man who played games with us non-stop, made us laugh, never lost his temper and took me us fishing and to catch tadpoles in the pond. We were a great family unit in my mind so I didn't understand how my mother could do such a terrible betrayal.

Now as an adult with my own house to run and family to take care of I actually completely understand. I don't need her 'forgiveness' or any other platitudes. She was an imperfect human trying to muddle through life the best she can whilst making mistakes like we all do. She is human. A person in her own right.

I wouldn't have understood this at 10, 16, 20 or even 25. It took life experience, several romantic relationships and then having my own family to change my perspective on things.

So please don't frantically panic that this is it forever. Things may change or may not. But if it does, it'll take time.

Have I missed the point? OP said his adult children have told him to choose between them and his baby. So it isn’t about them not wanting OP and his baby shoved in their face, they want him to have no contact with his son.

How the parents’ relationship began is not the fault of the boy and he deserves a father as much as the two adults who are raising this ultimatum.

It seems like a lot of people here are piling on OP without really acknowledging the emotional complexity of her situation. I think her husband should respect the kids’ need for space right now, while still making gentle efforts to stay connected. That means showing up consistently, but not forcing anything. Giving in to their ultimatums and cutting off with the new wife and baby is obviously not an option. Emotions are understandably intense at the moment, and the kids may need time to adjust to the reality of a new half-sibling before they’re ready to re-engage.

@Lurkingandlearning this is what I was trying to say maybe I have worded it wrong, but my main part in getting advice was hm being told to choose them or our baby.

I just wanted to give a bit of background to our story and be honest and transparent to rey and get the best advice I could for this situation or if someone has also been in a situation like mine

You worded your post just fine, I understood it, as did @Subwaystop who has given good advice. Your husband has a difficult time ahead as obviously he can't abandon his baby to appease his adult children. He can only hope that in time, they will agree to see him with or without your son. They may never agree to see you, but I think you have to accept that. If your son misses out on having a relationship with his half siblings that won't be a huge loss, he has your children.

The only other thing I can think of is asking another adult, someone who is neutral who his children trust, to mediate.

You are unlikely to get anyone who has been in the same situation to post here because people who admit to cheating almost always get a pounding. A lot of MNs (not all) see cheating, all cheating, in exactly the same light. They see serial cheats as being no different to people who fall in love with someone outside their marriage. They believe as soon as someone starts to feel a strong connection to someone other than their spouse, they should start divorce proceedings and not act on that connection until the divorce is final. In an ideal world that is what would happen, but humans are not ideal. They are weak, indecisive, get confused and sometimes hurt the people they care about while trying not to hurt them by dithering while they make the decision to end their marriage.

I think your post has probably caused a mental blip for some of the posters, because I suspect they are the same people who would rip a man who abandons his child to shreds. So, they are just ignoring that is what he is being asked to do.

Your partner's kids probably aren't ever going to be interested in the child whose mother broke up their parents' marriage/relationship and caused probably irreparable damange and pain to their mother.

Did you get pregnant to ensure that your affair partner would leave his wife?

There's a good chance his adult DC will never accept you, or even their half brother. You'll always be the other woman, the one who took their dad away, and they may never forgive that because of all the hurt it's caused.

Hopefully your DP won't abandon his new son. There's no going back to his marriage now so hopefully he'll stand by you two. He needs to constantly reassure his adult DC that he'll always love them and will always want to be part of their lives. Offer to spend time with them alone, without you or the baby. Make them feel they haven't been replaced. He should tell them he's already screwed up badly by having an affair and leaving, but he's not going to abandon his newborn baby. Time may make their relationship better, but 2 years in, and with a baby in the mix (who the kids will resent), it's still too soon and too painful for them. Your DP should not agree to their unreasonable ultimatum though.

What a mess. I suspect your baby has just rubbed salt in the wounds for his children and their mother.
You have a rocky time ahead. I would suggest your partner is firm. I'm not choosing between anyone, tells them he loves them very much, and keeps contacting them to tell them this. They may well go no contact with him, but this is a consequence of the situation.

Why should they compromise? Really have a think about the chaos he has brought into their lives and then try to list out reasons why he should be in their lives at all.

Their Dad has a track record of low integrity; has been treacherous; been a liar; been weak and vacillating; been thoughtless and selfish; has created untold misery for their mother and them, and is still so blind to his own character that he thinks it is OK for a wife to be treated like shit, and the children should be encouraged to pretend it’s fine, and that they should play Happy Modern Families with him?

Regardless of “we are both fully aware” it just seems both of you are in denial about how fucking awful your behaviour is, and until he starts to really get that how can he possibly start to repair his relationship with his children? No parent child relationship should be dependent on the children getting on board with the worst aspects of the parent’s character. [And the difficulty you OP have, is that you saw those deeply unpleasant character traits and found that attractive, from which people will draw inferences about your character]

Having said that: he needs to actually own his actions, he needs to actually think about how he can repair his relationship with his children given the level of hurt he has caused. He needs to hear them out, actually listening. There is no quick fix and he shouldn’t try to take short cuts.

The fact he is doesn’t know how to answer his older children really shows he has no moral compass at all, and lives life on the path of least resistance.
The correct answer is that he is not prepared to give up on any of his children, he’ll never give up on them, but he is also not going to give up on the baby, he has responsibilities to all of them. (For fuck sake, how can he not know this instinctively)

That’s the most appropriate response and advice I’ve seen on this forum. Thank you for understanding and thank you for your advice

Do you live with your partner, OP?

Do your older children live with you?

The answers will also have a bearing on the overall situation. My first thought is just how incredibly hurt his older children must be to issue such an ultimatum. He did that damage to them, and now there's another little boy who he could also damage in the future. It's a mess.

You and your partner had a choice in your actions, which you made.

His grown up offspring have a choice in their actions.

I would suggest all he could do is say to his offspring that he very much wants to maintain a relationship with him, that he knows he has done terribly wrong by them and their mother and that he understands that any relationship with them going forward is very much on their terms. Saying this with the underlying premise that he cannot and will not abandon a new born babe who is completely without fault and totally innocent in this mess of his making (and yours, obviously). But other than that, he will completely respect any boundary they wish to set - whether that is having nothing to do with you and your child or anything else.

That is after, as a pp stated, completely hearing them out, listening, without defences and arguing, to what they want and need to say.

Neither you nor he have any right to demand or expect any sort of relationship between them and your child.

Whether that is THEM having nothing to do with you and the baby, that should say.

Can you explain what you mean by ‘there was a lot of going back and forth for him’?

Oh dear op. Those poor children (all of them). Why you thought having a child with this weak man who cheats, hurts people, and vacillates between families was a good idea is beyond me (but actually why was any of this a good idea..) however you are where you are. Time might be a healer. I hope so. Only his older kids know - and I guess the feelings of their mum may impact whether deliberate or not. He needs to try and keep communication open and let them know he’s sorry, he loves them, and let them come to him, if and when they are able. They may never want anything to do with you or your child and you need to live with that. Over time they might come round to accepting your child, they may not. I hope when all is said and done, you consider it all worth it.