Marriage counselling tips

[Heyitsmeyeh]

Just that really. We start this week and I’m anxious. I have no issues really beyond the normal (want to be more appreciated, want more affection and to be seen as equal)…he is deeply unhappy. Depressed for the first time in out 15 years together. Acknowledges but won’t admit work is at its core. Feel it’s all being put as my fault.

i am so happy he’s agreed to come and get outside help but any advice on how to play this? I want to just listen but feel I’ll lose my rag v quickly once any nonsense starts flowing

tips for making good progress welcome pls!

@Heyitsmeyeh : "Acknowledges but won’t admit work is at its core"

Don't go into this with your mind already made up about why he's unhappy.

I'm surprised I'm the only person to have responded so far. A couple of things: you're going to have to listen to things you don't like, both of you; you have to wade through some rubbish before you get to the important stuff. And: if it's comfortable, it's probably a waste of time. Your therapist needs to push you both. Good luck.

Hello OP, I am afraid I do not have any experience with couples counselling but wanted to say this is a good start. My exh kept saying he was open to counselling but when I finally put him on a spot and said that I wanted us to go, he told me "no". He did not want to share his personal life with a stranger.😔
I knew right there and then that our marriage was over.

So, the fact that your husband is open to it is a very good sign. I am sure that the therapist will be able to mediate so that you talk to each other in a respectful way and listen. Good luck!

So helpful thank you. He’s told me he’s so angry and I have no idea why so yes, I need to be open to it all. Eurgh.

I’m sorry but this sounds a bit like the beginning of ‘the script’. He’s unhappy, everything is your fault, he’s depressed.

I don’t say this to be discouraging and hopefully I’m wrong. But you need to prepare yourself because going to counselling with someone who is planning on leaving for OW could be extremely traumatic. It’s unlikely the therapist will call them out on their behaviour or perception of reality. Counselling only works when both parties want to make the marriage work but don’t have the tools to do so. If one party wants to gaslight the other into believing they are the problem it’s just going to make things worse.

Unfortunately it didn’t work for us. I admitted my faults freely but my husband used this and constantly cast them up when we were out of the appointment. His argument style is to cast up every mistake I’ve ever made so this just gave him more ammo rather than discuss his own flaws too.

A good therapist will help you navigate this.
The success rate of therapy is largely dependant on how well you both connect to the therapist. This should be someone who makes you feel heard, validated and respected, but who will also confront you with the kind of behaviours that are destructive in your relationship. It should be someone who holds you both accountable and won't let either of you deflect blame on to the other. It should be someone who encourages open and transparant communication, even when it hurts, but who is there to help you through the impact of what's being said. It should be hard work and you should feel emotionally exhausted after every session, but there should be trust and safety.

Give it a few sessions, but don't stick around forever with a therapist who isn't doing all of the above for you. If it does feel like a good match, just trust the process.

This is a good start. Go in with your mind open, your ears and heart ready to listen and to share. You have to trust the therapist to mediate. Don’t tell him what his problem is. Wait for it to be discovered.

if he is angry then you need to sit with that and wait to uncover the underlying issues.

of course if he has OW and is getting ready to leave then it’s all a waste of time.

so I would hold back before you over share things which could be thrown back at you. test the water and sense check if he is committed to the marriage or not.

be cautious but commit to the process.

You could even say this is one of the things which worries you - if it worries you of course!!!

hope it goes ok for you.

You will need to acknowledge your own failings in the relationship if you want to grow (both as a person and within the relationship)

From the sounds of your op, you've already decided on your husband's behalf what the root cause of his depression is, and you are prepared to be angry and argumentative if he expresses anything different.

You also refer to "how to play this" - as if the therapy is a strategy in a long term game that you have a goal of winning. And your husband is your opponent.

Have a think about the beliefs and attitudes you're taking into therapy with you - to get the most out of the sessions, I'd suggest going in completely open minded and open hearted, with a willingness to listen to each other and grow - not with preconceived ideas and defense strategies in place against what you perceive to be "nonsense".

A counsellor will assist you both in feeling heard by the other party.

That's why it's so valuable.

You are both made to give one another time to say your piece. You're not allowed to interrupt. If you do, the counsellor asks you to stop Interrupting.

Did you split up?

I want to just listen but feel I’ll lose my rag v quickly once any nonsense starts flowing

He'll also be obliged to listen to your "nonsense" though.

It works both ways.

Is the counsellor well qualified, eg BACP?

Yes we have, currently going through the separation now.

Be very careful with your choice of therapist op. Dh and I went into couples counselling nearly a year ago after I caught my dh texting a colleague. The first therapist was not great tbh.

I said I wouldn’t continue in the marriage without counselling. Unbeknownst to me at the time, dh was in a similar mindset to your dh. Everything was my fault and the therapist seemed to agree with that analysis. I went twice and refused to go back as I came out feeling blindsided and in even more pain. Someone on here recommended a cc trained in The Gottman Method. I managed to find one and dh agreed to see her and she has been amazing. I’ve heard a lot about my failings but it hasn’t all been one sided. We’ve both had to take a long, hard look at ourselves. We still see her now.

Without boring you too much with our woes, we are much more open and honest with each other. The marriage may still be over (I’m unsure if I can really forgive and move on after the hurt) but he is like the man I married again which gives me some hope whereas in the early days he was frankly fucking horrible and not someone I wanted to be around anymore.

Good luck with it all.