I have a 9 month old and DH and I have suffered through a series of stresses this past year which are getting me to consider relationship counselling as a last resort. I can’t fathom the guilt of my baby growing up in a broken home.
DH lost his mother early this year soon after our baby was born. He is of course grieving the loss of his mother but has stuck his head in the sand and does not want to talk about it. I feel powerless to help when he will not open up.
In the meantime I have never got on with his father and have been treated awfully by him since before baby was born. Boundaries overstepped and entitled behaviour making me feel extremely anxious and as though I’m an incubator. He doesn’t speak to me barely when we are together save to ask me about the baby as though I am not a fit mother all the while trying to undermine me and has been trying to do things that make me feel extremely upset such as repeatedly suggesting feeding my baby sweets at 4 months when not weaned and suggesting I am not giving my baby enough milk when BF, walking off with him when crying and possessive behaviour, etc. all of this has left me feeling anxious all the time, thinking about him every day and panicking about when I have to see him. We haven’t seen him in 4 months and are in a few weeks as he doesn’t live close.
I have had to deal with my husband avoiding speaking to his dad about the way he treats me and also him feeling as though he has lost both parents as he has been avoiding his dad completely again sticking his head in the sand rather than have a straightforward conversation about boundaries around our baby. I feel he also blames me for this.
We have an argument every time his dad comes up. He understandably feels bad for his widowed father and wants him to see his grandchild, while I am dealing with anxiety around the way I’ve been treated by him postpartum. I know we have to see him but DH gets annoyed when I don’t say I’m happy to go - I can only be honest and am not going to pretend I’m ecstatic about it for his sake. He feels in the middle. I feel as though he will resent me if and when when father dies and I feel helpless at the idea of spending another however many years having to deal with this man that I do not trust or feel comfortable with around my baby.
We have also lost all intimacy in our marriage, due to my husbands loss of libido, something else he refuses to address making excuses and saying he will “fix”. I feel completely undesired after going through pregnancy and breastfeeding and it is making me so unhappy in the marriage and affecting my self esteem.
We have a tonne of issues and I don’t know whether to suggest relationship counselling. Would this help in our situation and how would it work? I don’t think he will be keen to go to counselling and I’m wondering if I should go alone, but I do have a sense that the problem isn’t mine to deal with completely or one sided.