New man's response to anything to do with late DH

[Hoodedtow]

Probably I'm overthinking, but when something seems too good to be true...

We lost DH 5 years ago. I've been seeing someone new for nearly a year.

I'm "OK" for myself, I've moved on and built a new life (sorry if that seems callous), but I still find the loss of my DC's father very hard. I.e. I'm very sad for DC that their dad isn't around and I really feel the pressure of being all they have. They're young adults, lost their dad in their teens, during lockdown, and they are still very much feeling the impact of that, with fragile MH and lost opportunities. I'm doing my best, but it's hard.

NM doesn't have DC, but does seem to "get" it. He definitely hasn't tried to be a father figure but is very patient with me, when I'm struggling and happy for us to give time to DC when they need/want it, which isn't often because they've gone inside themselves, but when they do I literally drop everything. He's kind and friendly with them without judgement, and without trying to be their mate iyswim. Happy for them to included in anything we're doing, including trips away.

Initially, NM wasn't comfortable in my bed (talked of respect and ghosts) but I explained that actually I've remodelled the room and it's not at all the marital bedroom it was then, and he's relaxed.

He's happy for me to "mention" DH and shows polite interest. But never digs for details of my past life (I think that's good?).

We've recently had an anniversary which I found difficult and NM was very kind. Seemed to know exactly how much attention to give it v space for me. On DH's birthday he cancelled plans to be with me, but only after first establishing that would be helpful.

So it all seems very good, but (and I know I sound bonkers) shouldn't he feel occasional twinges of jealousy?

He seems very comfortable with it all, which is beyond lovely, but also seems a bit too good to be true.

For those who will suggest counselling for DC. I've tried and would happily pay, but they're refusing and there's no point if they won't engage.

He sounds thoughtful and very emotionally intelligent. If he has any feelings of jealousy for your previous marriage, he is tactfully keeping them to himself. I wouldn't expect him to initiate questions about that part of your life, but that doesn't mean he doesn't acknowledge that it happened.

Maybe you have been dealing with pain and crisis for so long that you are looking for it now it's on the wane. I don't mean that unkindly - it is natural for us to seek familiar feelings and circumstances rather than adapt to very new ones, but you really do need to have a word with yourself about why you are seeking and wanting a problem where there isn't one.

If you want a problem to fix, focus on giving extra support to your DC. I know from close experience that DC who lose a parent in their teens or early adulthood can have their lives screwed up in more ways than it's possible to imagine, and the issues can take a while to surface. So ensure they have plenty of support in how to process the pain, how to practise good emotional and general self-care, how to make progress in their lives even if it seems pointless etc.

He sounds like a good ‘un. He’s respectful of your past, and realises that everyone has history (sorry for your loss). He doesn’t mind Dh being mentioned either, which is a good thing, and can appreciate he’s a big factor if dc’s life, even though he’s no longer with us.

Maybe he’s following your lead, and doesn’t ask questions , to respect your privacy. He diesn’t want to intrude.

He sounds kind and kindness is seriously underrated IMO.

@RedBeech is spot on - kindly, you’re looking for issues here. Are you subconsciously trying to sabotage this lovely new relationship out of guilt?

And I’m sorry to be so blunt but why would he be jealous of a dead man? He’s seeing you now, he’s respectful of your previous marriage, he seems thoughtful and acts caringly, is sensitive to your children that they lost their dad. If he has any twinges of jealously he may hide them well, but I can’t see what he’s got to be jealous of.

Maybe some counselling for yourself to work through your own feelings? Not that you’re not allowed to question a relationship, but is your own loss and grief likely to affect this new loving relationship?

I think most of the posters on here would welcome such an emotionally intelligent man.

Why should he be jealous?

It sounds like you want him to have more of an issue with it than he has. He sounds like he's supporting you well and is emotionally intelligent.

Do you usually look for problems where there is no evidence such problems exist?

Completely different situation but when I first met Dh I kept wondering what the catch would be, when his true nature would show, when he would hurt and upset me. Never happened. He is almost too good to be true (untidy but I can cope with that) we have been together 30 years, he is still caring, attentive, devoted, kind, funny and thoughtful. He is also an incredible Father to our children, never shirked, felt like an equal partner. I realised early on I was actively looking for things to be pissed off about because that was my default state in previous relationships where there were real issues that I was rightly pissed off about.

I think you need to stop questioning why is he is so understanding and thoughtful and realise some men are just built this way.

You’re definitely not bonkers for wondering about this. But I think the key thing is that although losing your husband was utterly life-altering for you and your children, it simply hasn’t been the same seismic event in NM’s life.

Very gently: your husband’s death hasn’t consumed months and years of NM’s time and emotional energy the way it has for you. While your life was partly paused by grief and reshaping your family’s world, NM’s life kept moving forward along a different path.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care deeply for you, or that he’s indifferent. It just means it’s not as emotionally loaded for him. So he may genuinely not feel jealous, because he doesn’t see your memories of DH as competition, but rather as part of who you are.

It sounds like NM is handling things with great kindness and emotional intelligence. I’d try not to see the lack of jealousy as suspicious. It might simply mean he’s secure in himself and in your relationship, and respects your past without feeling threatened by it.

I am coming at this from the other side-am seeing a widower-his wife died a year (almost to the day) of our first date. He talks naturally about his wife and I listen and am interested -they had a good marriage - but I don’t ask questions /just let him tell me at his own pace and time as much as he wants. I am not jealous of her -the poor woman is dead and I am alive. In a way I envy the genuine partnership they had and the things they did that I didn’t have in my marriage (am divorced) but this is the NOW and we are building a very good relationship. I realise that anniversaries etc will be poignant and I aim to do what your partner does in terms of support but not intruding. He is doing really well - why do you want him to be jealous?

I think it sounds like you're very lucky to have found him! I imagine he does feel a bit out out by it sometimes but has the intelligence not to let it show. I doubt he would feel jealous of someone who's no longer here

He seems like a great person. It must be extremely tough to enter into a relationship with someone who lost their partner in such sad circumstances and he seems to be doing a great job.

Im sure he does have moments on naturally jealousy or negative feelings however he’s processing and dealing with them himself as to air them may upset you.

Keep communicating with him and let him know that you understand that he may have those feelings and they’re completely natural and understandable and you appreciate him. That’s all you can do.

So it all seems very good, but (and I know I sound bonkers) shouldn't he feel occasional twinges of jealousy?

He seems very comfortable with it all, which is beyond lovely, but also seems a bit too good to be true.

I spent the whole post waiting for the bad part… I was stunned when this was it.

Thanks everyone, yes there's definitely an element of expecting something to go wrong or finding it hard to believe it's as good as it seems.

Maybe jealous is the wrong word, but I think I'd find it hard to be with someone who has photos of their dead spouse on display and find a previous happy marriage a hard act to follow. I don't "want" him to feel jealous it's lovely that he doesn't, but he's obviously a better person than me!

Your new man sounds great, from what you've told us. I'll probably get absolutely flamed for this but I think a woman would be more likely to be curious about a widower's late wife. I think we'd want to build a "picture" of some sort - join the dots if you like. I don't think men generally are the same. Either way OP, he sounds very respectful and lovely.

I think you lucked out!
In his shoes, I think I’d only be jealous if you accidentally called me by your DHs name, compared me unfavourably to him, talked too much about how wonderful he was. Those things would make me feel second best, a substitute you were ‘making do’ with rather than us being together as a positive choice.
If you can avoid that, he’s got little reason to feel jealous.
I hope he knows how good you feel about him - there aren’t so many people who manage to find two partners in life who both work for them so well.

I think the fact that you have children means, obviously, that your dh’s pictures and memories can not and should not be put away. He was your first husband, sure, but he is your DC’s only father. Your NM would have to be a moral monster to even fantasize vanishing ir diminishing your dh’s memory given its centrality in your children’s life.

And he’s not a moral monster. There are some of them about mentioned right here on mumsnet. Selfish, controlling, men who would demand fealty from their “new woman” and express jealousy and ask you to put away mementos. But that is not a good man’s response to the situation. Its not a normal response either. If he has a twinge if sadness that us normal. But you would expect him to be capable of keeping it to himself.

My partner was widowed years ago, when he was in his 30’s, and raised his kids alone. He talks about his late wife all the time, I’ve looked through his wedding album, he gets sad on her birthday. I can honestly say I have zero jealousy. Of course he loved women before he loved me, and without meaning to sound unfeeling, she’s dead. She’s part of his story, part of his children’s story, I understand that completely, there’s no competition because she’s not here anymore. I like that he can talk through these things with me.

Another one dating a widow (coming up to 5 years ago) and I’m his first relationship, 6 months.

I don’t have any jealousy, I have to be a bit patient, he seems to be nervous on occasion such as when I have a long road trip, he also lost his mum the same year. Anniversary is next month.

We talk about her quite naturally, I’m aware they are no longer together through circumstances rather than choice. But jealousy certainly doesn’t factor.

I'm another who's dating a widower. I'm also not jealous - as a PP put it, she's dead, why would I be jealous?

He doesn't talk about her much, which is fine by me. I do look like her though, which is a bit odd ...

He sounds emotionally intelligent and respectful

My husband had been widowed. I had zero issues with photos up or signs of their life together, he lived a whole other life before we met. We talked about her and I became close with her mom, she was a lovely lady who was my bonus mil.

I'm a widow and the men I've dated got that too.

If someone acted possessive or like they wanted to erase my past, they weren't dating material. Especially important with kids.

He sounds great, I would just accept how it is and see how it goes. I could never date a widower thats a personal choice BUT in fairness there are some who move on quickly, some who move on but take several years and some to be honest who never move on and never want to meet someone else either. I think a huge number of factors come in to play which also includes children. He probably understands this too and doesn't want to rush and be bullish in such a delicate situation that frankly neither of you really know how things will pan out. You could be fine now but just as easily wake up ome morning and say “no i cant do this” and that also might be why he just wants to be slow and careful and most of all, deeply respectful.

Are you a person that gets jealous OP? I'm wondering because I think I might get insecure if I met a widower.
You've had lots of responses from people who say they feel no jealousy but I'm guessing there are quite a few who do.