Feel like I can never initiate physical contact

[thisishowiedoowit]

Been with my DP around a year. Both divorced with teens, lives separately.

We see a fair amount of each other, his contact with kids is 50/50 so some weeks he has them 2 days per week, the other week he has them five days so I tend to see him a lot one week then not much the next.

i know when we got together he said that he’d never been physically affectionate really with anyone before. Wasn’t cuddled as a kid (😢) and was never physically affectionate with girlfriends/ wife.

Thats very different since meeting me. He actively takes my hand and holds it when we’re walking out and about, lots of cuddling after sex. Some cuddling on the sofa though that’s initiated by me.

The thing is - and it sounds silly writing it down, given there is plenty of physical affection - I often feel rejected like it’s only on his terms.

Often if I try to kiss him he will pull away or try to shut it down - unless he wants to kiss and then we do. Sex is always initiated by him now, there have been times I’ve tried to initiate it and been rejected so now I don’t bother.

i have ADHD and am quite sensitive to rejection, so it’s feeling like a bit of a death of a thousand cuts.

i thought i was ok with letting him take the lead but I’m fed up now. I’m going on holiday tomorrow so won’t see him for a week, last night was date night. I guess I was looking forward to some intimacy. He announced in the car on the way over that we wouldn’t be having sex as it was too hot. Ok, it was hot. But I’m just getting kind of fed up of everything being on his terms.

i did try to speak to him about this a couple of months ago and explain that i felt rejected. But his take on it was that he is way more physically affectionate with me than he has been with any woman previously so feels he is trying hard.

The sex thing he didn’t really address, but I guess I’m getting kind of fed up of it.

ADHD aside, I think anyone would feel hurt and rejected with the constant shut down any time you want a bit of affection.
I couldn’t be with someone always wanting things on their terms, relationships are give and take. If he isn’t prepared to work on his issues (counselling?), or even try to have a bit of give and take, I’d throw him back tbh.

Thank you. I don’t think he is even aware that he does it.

When we briefly spoke about it he was like ‘I came round the other day and kissed you while you were making tea’ it’s like if he initiates it that means he is affectionate. But he doesn’t see the rejecting me stuff.

My ex H was autistic and really weird about physical touch (very, very rejecting) and I’m just not sure if it’s me being over sensitive because of that.

With DP it’s like he always has to take the lead. He is not controlling it’s just that he does things on his own terms and I’m just left wondering what I’ll get on any given day.

It’s easy to understand how being married to someone with ASD who has sensory differences - and your own ADHD - can make you more sensitive about this, but really it’s less about you, more about everything being on his terms. That said, men don’t really have the same ‘lie back and think of England / fake it’ options that women do. it might sound like making it too clinical, but maybe you should actually plan sex more? Talk and agree about what you’re going to do and when, so you both have the same expectations snd enthusiasm?

Thanks that’s a good point re lying back and thinking of England. He is approaching 50 and has some health issues. Sex is great but I think he’d be more likely to reject me than say he doesn’t think he’s up to performing.

I’d rather he just said he’s not physically up to it, though.

To be honest we do have a LOT of sex so maybe I’m just being greedy.

It’s more about the kissing side of things, though, I think. Like we chatted all night last night no touching at all then I went to leave as my taxi was arriving and he was suddenly all over me kissing.

Thanks for advice, am just going to take some reflection time over my holiday to work out what I want.