What do I do

[EllieRayne]

I’m so fed up, I’ve been married over 20 years and if I’m honest it’s been a total sh*t show.
he has lied to me hundreds of times, spent money behind my back, looked at other women even though he promised he wouldn’t (porn ect) he’s slagged me off to other women in front if me, put me down, not been supportive such as said he wouldn’t take me to see my dad after a stroke because of he was going to watch football (he did after his dad said he should), he’s neglected me emotionally, mentally and sexually!
I’ve begged him to want me and show me love but he makes excuses but yet can watch porn!

it’s been years of head fu*k and it’s because I do desperately want it to work why I’ve stayed plus because we have a teenager together.

whenever I bring up my unhappiness he turns things around on me and makes me out to be the problem.

only a few months ago I was diagnosed with stage 1 cancer although I know it could of been a worse diagnosis he made me feel that I shouldn’t be upset as It wasn’t a death sentence (his words).. I cried more that day because of him not because of my diagnosis baring in mind my dad passed away due to cancer and I sat with him when he was told the op was not successful and he didn’t have long to live!

he keeps promising me he will change but he never does, it’s like he makes an effort for a few days maybe a week and it goes back to the same old thing. I’ve suggested counciling but he said he won’t go as he don’t want to be labeled (I’ve told him he has all the traits of a narcissist and I think he’s worried they will see him for what he is!)

what do I do?

I’ve no money to go and nowhere to go to and he won’t leave, he’s said he will never divorce me because he loves me but yet I feel so alone and unhappy and he knows this, whilst I lay wide awake with tears and sadness he lays fast asleep knowing he’s upset me again

Your marriage sounds miserable and you deserve better. He won't change - he is who he is. When he makes an effort for a few days, that's not him, that's him hiding who he is.

You don't need his consent to divorce. What's your housing situation OP? Mortgage/rent? Are you in paid employment? There is a way out of this, it won't be easy but it will set you free from this oaf.

If he did love you he'd let you go, you're a convenience for him.
Take control and start making enquiries of your own,housing, finance's etc.
Womens organisations that can advise.
You definitely deserve a better life I hope you can make it happen.

Thanks, it’s so difficult as the house is mortgaged and unless I move out and become homeless he won’t go as his family live over 5 hours away and he believes that since it’s half his house he shouldn’t go anywhere, it’s all such a mess and I can’t go on anymore, I am miserable but our finances are rubbish due to him getting us into debt again for buying stupid things he didn’t need!

I know something has to give but it’s so scary and I’m petrified as to what it will do to my child

Should you go? Yes
Should you wait until your teen has grown and left? No, they’ll be better off with you being happy.
So it’s just about how….
Realistically if you move out into rented, it will be years until a divorce is finalised and the house is sold / transferred to allow you to get hold of your share of the equity in it.
Is it practical (emotionally and physically) to carry on living under the same roof while starting the divorce process? Get a proper understanding of what both of your assets (and debts) are so you can work out what the financial split would look like and you can both plan around this.

Are you in employment yourself? If not, could you get a job and start saving for a rent deposit? It might take time but at least you’d be doing something proactive. I realise this might not be possible with your diagnosis and hope the treatment is going well.

There is always a solution. Bin.

He will bloody go, what you do is start the ball rolling and issue those divorce papers and the court will decide. He's bullying and manipulating you. There is always a way to get out.
My first husband did all this he was told to give me 3/4 of the value of the house or it would be sold so I could have my share. He was given no choice in the matter.
It may take you a little while but you must act now. He's had 20 years to change but he hasn't and he isn't going to.

He's not going to change so you have to act to improve your own life.