Am I right in thinking DH is outrageously selfish? or is it me?

[Cantgomuchlower]

DH has been offered a job that is slightly better paid, in a new location and will considerably raise our standard of living as a family.

However he is telling me that if he remains in the job he is in at the moment it will eventually come good (in about three years) and the financial rewards will be huge - he has already been promising this for over a year. As a family though this means that we will have to remain living in a rough inner city area, in a tiny flat while our kids go to a crappy school. All of this would change if he takes the above job but the financial possibilities are limited.

I don t believe or trust him tbh. We have had a lot of problems over the years. I am really unhappy where we are living. I cry nearly every day. His promises of huge financial rewards seem unrealistic to me. Similar to "Don t worry about anything because I am going to win the lottery in a year".

He tells me I am limited and don t want greatness in life, something that could be achieved if he stays where he is. Any advice or thoughts would be helpful please.

well, I can tell you what I'd do if I were your dh, and I am the main earner in our house. I'd take the better paid job that would raise the family standard of living. I did in fact, we relocated 2 years ago to a new area because I had the offer of a well paid job, the schools were better, the housing was better and cheaper, the area was nicer, blah blah blah. Before getting the job I worked in it for 6 months, which meant being away frmo my family during the week for all of that time. It was worth it. Sometimes short term hardship/sacrifice is worth it for long term gain.

So I think he IS being selfish if he doesn't take it although you don't say why he doesn't want it. OTOH, could you go and get a job that would raise the standard of living and allow you to move etc?

I think perhaps it would be helpful to have a discussion with him and weight up the pros and cons of each job.

There are more issues that just the financial to consider, surely?

If he is really happy in his current job, and can see that he is valued and likely to be promoted, it may be hard for him to consider moving to another job.

Do you work too?

I think you need to sit down and discuss this with DH and as someone said list the pros and cons of each job not just for dh but for all of you as a family. Personally for me the kids schooling and a better area would take priority over any (possible) financial gain in the distant future whihc may or may not even occur

Thanks for replies. No I don t work as both DH and I wanted me to be a SAHM, once my youngest is in school though I will return to work.

He is valued where he works and does enjoy it but I feel that there are five people in this family not just one and all our needs have to be considered. To make it clear, the job offered is abroad in a country we have always wanted to live in but did not think would be possible for some years. Our everyday standard of living would be 100% better, not even really financially because the increase in salary is slight, but just in every day living.

Ah, well, a move to another country is an enormous big deal and if he doesn't want to then you two really need to talk about it. It's hardly a 100 miles down the M4 is it? But presumably he applied for it knowing it was in another country? Which country is it? Where are you now (roughly?) - is it the UK?

I do have some sympathy for those who are the main breadwinners and for the fact that they really do deserve a huge say in whether or not to apply for/take jobs they're offered. If you worked could you achieve the same result (increased standard of lving) without dh moving job?

I recently turned down the chance of a local role which would have meant my being at home earlier every day but earning less money because the company annoyed me at pre interview process. Dh supported me in that because I'm the one who would have to do the job. So I do think you should cut your dh some slack here, surely his happiness is important too? It is hard being the only one financially supporting a family you know.

Knee jerk reaction is that he should do what is best for the family. But equally, he has to be happy too.

My DH took a new job that was perfect in every way, the role he wanted including a propmotion, nearer to home, but it was a huge pay cut. We decided we could manage and some things are more important than money.

While I don't regret what he did, as he is so much happier and involved in his new job, the pay cut has been hard to manage with 3 young children.

I know that www, that is why I have supported his choices unquestioningly really for 7 years. He did know where the job was when he applied for it, obviously, but now seems to have cold feet. I agree he does deserve a big say in where he works but does that mean that the rest of his family have to live a really crappy life so that he can stay in his comfort zone? Also I don t see anyone else at his company reaping the huge financial rewards he speaks of so I find it really hard to believe.

I have been out of the job market for a long time bringing up my children, so I suppose that is an issue because at the moment I would have to re train in order to be able to earn a decent amount. Any job I could get at the moment would not make a great deal of difference financially. Also my youngest is only a year off going to nursery and I will be returning to work then anyway.

But I think he's entitled to stay where he's happy really. And if you hate your standard of living so much then you should re train and work yourself to contribute financially to giving the family a better standard of living. I'm not saying you don't contribute btw, I consider being a sahm as a job and it is a contribution, but if you want things that only money can buy - i.e a better area, a nicer house - then I think as a family you need to make some sacrifices. Whether that's you working or dh taking a job he's not sure about is something only the two of you can decide though.

I also think given the cost of lving (assuming you're in the UK) then one parent being a sahp is a luxury really. And dh did it for 18 months, as did I for 3 years, so I have been there. As a result we were skint. Now we both work and we're not.

I don't think it is really that easy actually.

www as I have said twice he would not be earning much more so it is not actually about money at all. It is about getting out of where we are now - a two bedroom inner city flat for a family of five. We cant move away from this area while he wants to stay in this job. We live in London and could not afford a bigger place in a nicer area, even if I did work. We neither of us want to have the type of life where I live in the area I want and he just pops back at weekends. He wants to see his kids every day.

And if we are talking about "entitled" then are my children not "entitled" to the best possible life that we can give them. He stopped being "entitled" to his own whims when he had them. He applied for the job in the first place. He had been moaning for years about how crap our situation is and now that finally a door has opened and something really good had happened he has got cold feet. My kids deserve better than what they have at present and it is in his power to give it to them. Why the hell should someone be able to make that decision for 4 other people and feel entitled to do so.

This isn't about either party being selfish but there seems to be a big divergence in how you want your futures to pan out.

Thats true DarthVader. I want my children out of a crappy life as soon as possible and he wants to wait three years (or more) until he is millionaire (his words). I have been listening to this for a long time now and it has never happened, surely it is time to start being realistic?

Well each of us can only take a view on what lies ahead and perhaps your views are different, or perhaps there are other reasons in play that your dh has not made you aware of.

I think this is obviously a hugely important decision and it would be best to try to get a full picture of each others thoughts without having an emotionally charged argument about it.

You are coming from a very understandable position on this but it is also possible that so is he.

cantgomuchlower, yes, your children are entitled to the best life you can give them but not, I would suggest, if it's at the expense of the happiness of one of their parents. And I do think having one person as a SAHP is a luxury not a right. You've chosen as a couple to do that, fine, that's your choice, but the thing that goes with it is not having as much money as you would it you worked (presumably, I appreciate childcare has to be paid etc).

There's obviously something about this job that worries your dh and I think he's entitled to feel that way and to not make a decision based just on what you want and what you think your children want. You don't seem to be very interested in what he wants here. And since I do know what it's like to be the main provider, I do understand the pressure that comes with being in that position. Do you? Have you ever solely provided for the family as your dh is doing?

I know you don't agree with me, that's fine, I'm just giving you my pov and the thing about advice on here is that you don't remotely have to take it.

I think there is one issue which you haven't thought of- if this job pays not much more- the one overseas- how long would you stay? What would happen to your kids' education? Would you be staying for 2, 10 or more years? You see, if you go, then come back, you might be no better off- unless it's a tax-free haven where you can save.

More details needed!

What is important is that your H as the main breadwinner is happy in his work- and surely he wants the job with the best long term prospects? Which job is that?

He is not really being selfish- I know you won't like this, but why did you have 3 kids if all you could offer- in your own words- was a tiny flat in an inner city area? it's a bit like shutting the gate after the horse has bolted, to say that you are not happy now. Doesn't seem like either of you gave it much forward planning TBH.

You can't blame him for that now, can you?

I'd suggest you both sit down and talk and discuss the options for the next 10 years and see what you come up with.

Have come across you before hls. Your usual narrow minded response I see.

We had three kids because our circumstances used to be different. Afraid I am not able to put the last one back (shrugs helplessly). If you will forgive me I won t bother to respond to the rest of your queries - sensible though some of them were. Your ignorant questioning of my family planning choices sort of makes me feel that I don t need to explain anything else to you. Are you a Daily Mail reader by any chance?

It's your life. It really doesn't matter to me, one jot.

I was making a point that much of your life seems unplanned-why have 3 kids when you have a 2 bed flat? If there are other circumstances, then maybe you should have said, as part of the whole picture. Obviously touched a nerve. And that you seem in danger of making the same mistakes again.

Fine-sort it out yourself-I don't think you are clever with your sarcasm, and I don't really care if that's your attitude to my comments.

cantgomuch, your comments do seem uncalled for tbh. If you want someone to tell you you're NOT being selfish that's fine, I'm sure someone will at some point but you DID ask.

No nerves touched here hls. My third child was a much wanted, much adored accident. Planning only gets you so far. We didn't always live in a two bedroom flat either. Like I said our circumstances have changed and I am trying to move things forward not just live with them.

Why do you even bother to come on here to give out this brand of blaming, negative advice? If I wanted that I could ring my Mum. How does telling me I should not have had my third child if I wanted a decent life bring anything positive or useful to this discussion.

You sound really toxic and narrow minded tbh and not just from your contribution to this thread. Read a few of your posts to others having difficulties. At least you are consistent.

The fact that you are reacting like this says an awful lot, TBH.

IF you have fallen in terms of your standard of living, WHY on earth didn't you say so? You see, on the face of it, what you posted seems to shows a couple who don't plan- and that seemed to be a pattern you were about to repeat- jumping at living over seas without giving it any long term thought.

I am surely not the only person reading this who thought "Why are they living in a 2 bed flat with 3 kids"? Maybe you just don't like people stating the obvious?

AND you ask if you are selfish- well, yes in a way, as you expect to dictate your husband's work to him, whilst not being prepared to work yourself, as many others have pointed out.

I might have made comments that you don't like, but I would not stoop so low as to make personal attacks on you or any MNer and i am sorry you feel that you need to do so.

www it is the picture that hls paints of me as a feckless, careless person who just keeps having kids despite my circumstances that I object to. Also the statement that "much of my life seems unplanned"? Please tell me something else in my posts that indicates that.

Also it was not me who was speaking about "entitlement" when discussing the rights of various members of a family. I don t know what the right answers are thats why I came on here. But what I do know is that if the majority of a family are unhappy and that could be improved by one members actions then that has to be looked at.

I don t expect to dictate my husbands work to him hls. By the same token however I don t expect him to dictate that myself and DC will continue to live as we do because of a whim of his. Just to clarify BOTH DH and myself want me to be at home for our youngest until she goes to nursery next year, when I will return to full time work. DH works long hours and I do absolutely everything regarding childcare and housework in the home, I have no family near by. This is not the 1950's though where I don t get a say in how we are going to live because I don t work.

BTW I have lived overseas for much of my life and it would be more of a case of going home than anything else.

I did not make personal attacks on you either, if you think I did then please do report my posts to the powers that be and get them removed.

Message withdrawn

good grief hls

are only people with lots of money allowed to have larger families?

cod there is another thread

it makes a lot more sense than this one