Clare's law - video call

[Fuffleflo]

Today I made an application under Clare's law. When I met my DP he told me his ex-wife had been both emotionally (and on one occasion phyically) abusive to him throughout their 10 year marriage. Im concerned because some of the behaviours he attributed to her, namely gaslighting, have started to emerge in his treatment of me and I'm beginning to.wonder whether the 'abuser' and 'victim' were reversed in his account.

At present the gaslighting is only very rarely but enough to concern me. I stressed in the CL application that I didn't feel at risk of violence, that the emotional abuse was relatively 'minor" and only rarely but explained why I was concerned. I received an email back this afternoon asking if I would be free to have a video call with officers.. I wondered if this was a standard thing? I don't want to waste police time. I know some people making clares laws applications are in much more need than me. We have no children and have been together a year.

@Fuffleflo "I don't want to waste police time."

You have a right to this information by law. You're wasting no-one's time.

Hi, didn’t want to read and run. In my experience they offer a video call if there is something that they need to disclose to you. Please accept their offer of a video call and trust your instincts. There’s a reason you decided to make a Claire’s law application x

You’re not wasting their time and you know this. You sound like you’re trying to look for us to give you an excuse not to take the call and potentially find out something you don’t want to know because then you’d have a choice to make.

Calm down though because there is every chance there is nothing significant to disclose and they are just completing the process from their end. If you are concerned about your DPs behaviour, maybe talk to the police about it during the video call.

It is always better to know.

Well done for taking the time to fill out the application.

Keep yourself safe. Be wise.

Please don't let your feelings persuade you to ignore or minimise what you are told.

Please take the call. You’re not wasting their time. You will know either way then. Please listen to your gut

Thank you, everyone.
I wil definitely take the call. I suppose I was a bit surprised that they came back so quickly and am wondering if a video call is just standard when a request is first made ..perhaps it is now, when any form of abuse is mentioned on the application..although as I said, when making the application I did stress that i felt I was not at any risk of violence. I'm not sure what to expect.

I work for a DA service and the video call almost certainly means there’s a disclosure to be made. In my area the speediness of contact would correlate with the risk level but I don’t know if that’s the same everywhere. You should be offered access to independent advice/support from your local service as well as the disclosure from police. You’ve done absolutely the right thing by making the request and I hope it is useful for you in making a decision about how you go forward.

If there is a disclosure to be made, it just goes to show that one can never be too careful. My partner works in a responsible job, everyone says what a decent person he is and he is still on cordial speaking terms with his ex ex-wife. He presents to the outside world as an extremely gentle person.

I hope all is ok OP. You are doing the right thing.

My late husband was emotionally and financially abusive throughout our 30+ yr marriage. He was extremely selfish. Towards the end it started to become a bit physical and I even left for a year. The abuse was only ever directed at me and later to the young adult DC. To everyone else he was charm personified. Then he died. At his funeral there was so much talk of what a wonderful, family-oriented man he was from his hobby mates and even some neighbours. My mum and brother said it was like they were talking about some complete other person.

Well done on submitting the CL request and I hope the video call doesn't throw up anything too distressing. I would say though, if you have doubts at just one year in, and he's already gaslighting you on occasion, then maybe better to get out now anyway, before it gets worse.

Just remember as well that you don’t need to justify leaving a relationship. If your gut feeling is that something is ‘off’ - even if it’s not something you could write down on paper - then get out.

Regardless of any disclosure, dump him now if you are seeing signs and were concerned enough to make the application. Trust your gut.

Take the call, obviously, but if someone's behaviour has started changing in ways you don like and you feel there's gaslighting, why go through all this? Just leave the relationship.

If there was no disclosure to be made, does that mean you should stay?

Sadly, appearance, jobs, background, etc., have little to do with an abuser's life. There have been plenty of instances of policemen, servicemen, judges, etc., who have been charged and convicted of abuse offenses, including child abuse.
You have an instinct, regardless of what the police disclose to you, to get out now while you still have a chance. he may not have come to police attention for what he did.

Dump him now op

Make the call.

They're frequently seen be the rest of the world as charming, kind, gentle, responsible, blah blah blah.

Regardless of any disclosure made to you, if you are uncomfortable with aspects of your boyfriend's behaviour, you don't have to stay in the relationship. You can end the relationship for any reason and you don't have to justify your decision to anyone. Good luck OP, look after yourself 💐

I agree with this. The simple fact you felt like you needed to make the CL request tells you everything you need to know about this relationship. It's natural to want to downplay it and focus on the positive (it's a form of self preservation and protection) but never in my life have I dated someone I felt I needed to do a CL request for. That only speaks volumes!

What happened?

Sage advice here, OP. Please take it to heart.

You wouldn't have made the request if everything was OK.

Have the call.

But you probably know the relationship is near the end. You feel that it's not right for you. And that's good enough a reason to end it.

Minor emotional abuse is still abuse. Please get the information and use it to keep yourself safe.

No word from them yet..they asked yesterday for days/times when I would be alone and he wouldn't be around so that the call could be scheduled and i provided these.

My ExH presents as very respectable to the outside world. He is a Director for a well known Bank. He actually cheated on me with 10+ women, used low level violence, like kicking and pushing, beat me up twice when I was in the process of leaving him, and has also been arrested for drink driving. No one knows any of this, apart from me and my DH. Go ahead with the call.