Coping mechanisms for relationship with mum

[Pregandcounting]

I will dive straight in …

to start with, my mum is a very kind and generous person, not got a bad bone in her body. She grew up with a very difficult relationship with her dad who rejected her, which I think has heavily impacted her and her life, possibly more than she realises! She is quite emotionally unstable and very very very sensitive.

When my brother and sister and I were under 10, my dad had an affair and left, and lived in another country from then on. My mum, a housewife at the time, had to retrain for a career etc. she managed to do this and worked full time (as I was often reminded!) from then on, struggling for £ even with the maintenance from my dad (not helped by her clothes shopping habit).

Growing up, her emotional instability was clear. Lots of hysterical crying in front of my sister and I (who are older than brother), threats to drive off a cliff, going out and getting plastered and coming home throwing up, telling me and my sister she hates us whilst we clean her up, bringing men home, etc. she very much prioritised finding a man (and I suppose the stability that may bring) over her children. My upbringing was therefore not a very happy one by her. I definitely wouldn’t consider her to have comforted me during the tough time of my dad leaving. In fact the opposite - her friends would tell us off (very harshly) for being rude to my mum whilst she sat and listened and didn’t stand up for us. I was 8. Thank god for my incredible siblings who stuck together and made life happier!

there is a lot more background of things she did during my upbringing but in order to not go into that, in summary, her children weren’t priority during this time. She was very unstable emotionally. She wasn’t present and I never really had any form of support from her emotionally. Hopefully this sets the scene!

Fast forward to now. She has a partner who provides her stability and she’s really happy. She’s much more emotionally stable, fun to chat to and has deep regrets over the way she brought us up. She can’t even talk about it and when it’s lightly touched on she gets very off although when pushed will acknowledge things. for this reason and also not wanting to open a can of worms, also not knowing where to begin, I’ve not bothered to ever mention anything to her about how she’s made me feel.

I find I now am so irritated by her I can’t even have a normal FaceTime conversation. We live in different countries and I find when she visits, i get on really well with her and have a great time. But as soon as she’s away and back to WhatsApp / FaceTime, I just can’t seem to have a happy conversation with her. I also find generally that the smallest thing she does annoys me and I can’t help but feel really angry with her over it and tell her off. She’s very weak and feeble with me like she’s scared to rock the boat and I find this also really irritating and despite me raising this she doesn’t change. I think her lacking forthcoming acknowledgment of how she brought us up, to our faces, has left a bitter note with me

I don’t want to have a huge discussion about my past with her because I don’t see it doing much now - we’re past that point I think. And with her being so sensitive I probably couldn’t tell her how I truly felt anyway. I therefore think I need to have some coping mechanisms for myself to deal with her, just so I can have a normal conversation with her even! I’ve tried to just get over it but I can’t - it doesn’t work like that for me! If anyone has any tips or advice please share. I just want a normal relationship with her that’s not so volatile to the slightest disruption and annoyance!

I just want a normal relationship with her that’s not so volatile to the slightest disruption and annoyance.

That doesn't seem very likely OP, given her character.

It sounds like she suffers from poor mental health, lack of emotional regulation and has poor coping skills.

It's very unusual for parents to hold up their hands, confess to being neglectful, apologise and change for the better. If that's what you're expecting, I wouldn't hold your breath.

I would get some therapy to help process your past and try to come to an acceptance of who she is. Grieve the mum you needed.

If you want to maintain a relationship, then you need to manage it. Don't go beyond the superficial and keep contact short. Keep your expectations low.

Thanks for your reply. Just on the therapy point, which kind of therapist would I need? Ie what specialism

Also, I should add, she is now excessively mothering. She calls me all the time, always asking how i am, wanting to speak to the grandkids, wanting to see me, live near me, etc etc etc. she’s done a 180. It annoys me though - it’s not what I need now. And I find it too intense. It contributes to my anger actually which I feel bad about as she’s simply trying her best and probably to make up for things (but it’s a bit late)

You mention your incredible siblings and I wonder how they cope with her? Can they give some help or advice that might make things easier for you?

I agree with the PP who suggested therapy. Someone I know had therapy that really helped them process their difficult past and relationship with their parents. It really helped him move on.

I have to say you sound like a very strong person to have come through all you've been through and still be so generous and kind towards your mum.

The type of therapy isn't as important as your relationship with the therapist. You can try BACP, make a list and contact them. Have a chat and go with the therapist you connect with most.

Previous - Lots of hysterical crying in front of my sister and I (who are older than brother), threats to drive off a cliff, going out and getting plastered and coming home throwing up

Present - She’s much more emotionally stable, fun to chat to and has deep regrets over the way she brought us up. She can’t even talk about it and when it’s lightly touched on she gets very off although when pushed will acknowledge things.

So despite her telling you she has deep regrets, despite the fact she was suicidal and pressing the self destruct button back then, despite you knowing she's still emotionally unstable, you want to keep going back and picking at the scab? She was in such a bad place she doesn't need or want or even too frightened to keep revisiting it and It sounds like you are wanting to punish her by re opening her old wounds. Get some therapy for yourself to work out why you can't forgive her or move on. This is your wound to heal and you need to seek professional help, hurting your mother or making her feel ashamed isn't the answer.

mum is a very kind and generous person, not got a bad bone in her body.
Focus on that.

Edit
Also, I should add, she is now excessively mothering. She calls me all the time, always asking how i am, wanting to speak to the grandkids, wanting to see me, live near me, etc etc etc. she’s done a 180. It annoys me though
Regret. A form of apology. Maybe even wanting to do for you now what she couldn't back then. You are allowed boundaries and to request she dials it down though.

For some reason my sister is able to deal with things better, and has much higher tolerance for my mum so gets on better with her generally and is much nicer to her than I am. I just can’t help but be mean / stand off. I will say I am not a very sensitive person and so my mum and I probably clash more because of this. My brother was too young and my sister and I did take more of a hit with what we saw from my mum.

I guess I was hoping I wouldn’t need to go the therapy route given the cost and a new baby on the way meaning it’ll be a while before I can do it, realistically!

im definitely not strong but I see my mum
has changed for the better and wished I could make the most of this version of her but sadly I can’t seem to be able to

she wasn’t suicidal fyi, she just wanted attention.

I do think a part of me wants to punish her yes, you’re right. But not in the way you’re describing. I think I just want sincere ownership from her, which I’ve never had. She victimises herself whenever she gives any form of apology. You’re probably right about needing therapy for that, but I’m at a time of my life that it realistically won’t be possible any time soon.

FWIW I don’t actively want to shame her, or hurt her, I guess what she did in the past is hurtful to her and so it naturally feels like this to her. I can’t focus on the fact she is now a good person, as I am too damaged from our past to get past it this easily. It is also more complicated than that. Yes she’s a good person. She makes poor choices still to this day which impact me and my siblings.

I would disagree with your first description of your mum:

'to start with, my mum is a very kind and generous person, not got a bad bone in her body.'

She put herself and her needs first when your dad left, she neglected you and your siblings in her quest for a new man and she let her friends tell you off for being rude to her and didn't stick up for you.

Her cloying and over-affectionate behaviour now is in stark contrast to her previous behaviour and I would find it insincere and irritating.

It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. It is unlikely your mother will apologise let alone take any responsibility for her actions. You also have to qualities she lacks: empathy and insight.

Thanks everyone. Not sure if anyone has any similar experiences and has any coping mechanisms as a short term solution at least, which I could use to enable me to not get so wound up by her that would be great!

Two things can be true: a person can be going through a difficult time and that same person can also not be giving their children what they deserve / need at a difficult time in their life too.

The first point doesn’t make the second OK, as OP said her mum can’t talk about it which is clearly what she’s needed in the past. I think if I’d told my child I was going to drive off a cliff or told them I hate them after cleaning up my sick, I might want to apologise for that in the future. It sounds like lots of things happened when OP was just a child and leaving them unresolved is obviously going to create negative emotions.

This is clearly where it stems from and I can see why OP finds it hard - OP you clearly care because if you didn’t you wouldn’t write this post.

although I also agree re therapy for yourself OP as maybe you need to talk it through with professionals who can guide your thinking :)

My relationship with my mother isn't the same as yours but it was extremely difficult, my childhood was awful, and as a result, I find dealing with her now stressful, challenging, and often upsetting. I don't like her very much and I don't love her. I avoid her as much as possible. It's an unfortunate truth that some people just aren't cut out to be parents and are terrible at it. Some of us get those people as our parents. It's not our fault, but that's not much consolation.

I know you've said that your mother has changed, but honestly, the behaviour you describe, the constantly asking how you are, the fact that your gut reaction to it is negative, makes me think she hasn't changed, not really, it's just attention seeking in different clothes. If she's calling you every five minutes it's not for your benefit, it's for hers. I went through this a while back with my mother (she was going through some difficult personal stuff at the time) and we went from barely speaking to constant messages on a daily basis. I found it so hard to deal with. On the surface, to someone who didn't know, it might have looked like normal, caring interaction, but it wasn't. I would recommend reading up on personality disorders (dependent, maybe, or even borderline) and parentification if you don't know about these already. And enmeshment.

There's a thread called 'we took you to stately homes' which you might find helpful. The last one just filled up but there should be a new one shortly.

This is completely arse backwards

It is not OP's job to protect her mother from the realities of the horrendous childhood she inflicted on her children.

OP has not in any way failed because she hasn't forgiven or moved on, nor does she need to do either of those things before she's ready, and she gets to decide when that is.

OP is allowed to have feelings about it, she's allowed to have criticisms, she's allowed to voice them, out loud, even if it makes her mother feel bad. She is not responsible for her mother's feelings.

What her mother 'needs' is no longer OP's primary concern. It is not OP's job to meet those needs.

It is not the job of people who grew up with abusive parents to protect their parents from the consequences of their own behaviour.

You say she doesn’t have a bad bone in her body but you go on describe abuse.

I have an abusive mother, they won’t ever change and suddenly be what you want them to be. I have had no contact now for 15 years, it’s the nicest way I had to protect myself from further abuse.
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All that irritation could well come from anger. That can normally be handled by keeping some distance, but if she's smothering you that's extremely difficult.

It sounds to me like the best way to handle this is by taking control of the communication. Don't necessarily answer her texts immediately, don't feel obligated to pick up the phone, but do tell her when you'll ring and keep to it. She'll sense the difference, be upset by it, but by keeping to your word when you're going to contact her, she'll be reassured.

Sympathies, she sounds very tricky.

Shame is keeping your mum from opening up. I can guarantee she is probably aware of what she has done but shame is stopping her from opening up that can again. Shame can destroy us and it’s a protective mechanism from inhalation. You won’t get what you need from your mum. You need to try and seek this level of acceptance from elsewhere. Your mum wasn’t the mum you needed, that will never change. We have to reach a level of acceptance that humans are flawed and complex (mums are human) and because of this we mess up. The more you poke at her the more you will trigger shame and she will clam up. It’s ok to not forgive, it’s ok to also forgive. Very much depends on what you feel you can do.

Thanks everyone for your really insightful and thoughtful responses. I think distance and some emotional separation somehow are probably needed! I think also the fact she expects such a normal happy and great mother daughter relationship now, which puts the pressure on me to facilitate this, is something I’ve realised is not helping. I need to think about and then take a bit of control with what I can actually provide emotionally to her..