when you find yourselves having the same row, again, and again, and again,

[keepcalmandsauvignon]

how do you get out of that trap? answers on a postcard, please.

He won't do counselling.

We are very happy, on the whole, but with some major communication problems.

Hi going through the same thing here about re hashing the same argument regularly but on the whole were fine.

With me its about not being appreciated enough. I know its a classic male/female thing and I'm married to a pretty Alpha male, but how many times do you have to say, what would be nice if you appreciated what I do and offered some king words, not necessarily just take over or do more to help when I'm really frustrated or tired, although help is obviously nice too.

In my more lucid moments I do just say to myself, accept that's just how he is and there are loads of good qualities about him and I'm far from perfect myself.

What's your bug bear?

I think holidays is a flashcard too for arguments!

you have to resolve it so both sides are happy.

I think the answer to this is going to depend on what it is you're fighting about

Some things need to be resolved one way or another, and for other things I reckon a few tweaks can sort it without too much compromise from either side

is it money you fight about?

stuff to do with the kids?

i found that the fights about money just went on and on and on until i had had enough. he wouldnt go to counselling either

its a pattern really we find recurring, which goes like this

I am feeling underappreciated/hard done by about something

I say something critical of him

He reacts strongly, the argument escalates

eventually we get to the root of the matter, but not before hurtful things have been said by both sides

it get me down that I KNOW this is how it happens, can't seem to avoid the spiral

it's a communication problem, really

he is mostly lovely, and I am really only very occasionally a complete cow

You could ask him if HE feels appreciated. If he does then ask what you do that makes him feel he is, and say you would like some of that from him (in the most diplomatic way you can!) and if he doesnt, ask why and then say it seems that you could both acknowledge what the other does a bit more often.

There's loads of stuff out there about this, such as avoiding statements like "You always (do this) and "You never" (do that).

It all depends on jumping on your impulse to defend yourself - which is bloody hard sometimes!

Hope that helps

there is a good comm tips book, called something like top ten comm tips for couples.

sorry rubbish typing am bfing

Hi 'keepcalm'

You do seem to have a similar problem to mine although the way you put it sounded better than how I did. 'bearmama's advice sounds good.

The problem with me is having the same argument over and over over being as you say underappreciated/hard done by but that even though I try and open up lines of communication dh sees it as my problem for me to overcome as I try the diplomatic, biting my tongue and gently suggesting that I'm feeling p'd off. I get no reaction so the situation escalates to an outburst when its mainly me who say's hurtful things as dh will rarely react.

I then end up having to apologise later which I pretty much always do as I feel bad and genuinely sorry as he doesn't deserve to be shouted at, but then it doesn't resolve anything and it happens again and again. Dh just say's its my problem he can't be something he's not.

As I say, on the whole I feel, well he's probably right and things are otherwise good and when I do just accept that's how he is its fine, but it is frustrating.

I guess if you are having a reaction and both are saying hurtful things you can come at it from a different angle although you also say you feel like a complete cow after. As a matter of interest do you both apologise, not talk, forget about it and not mention it or what after the tempers end?

I'm guessing your a sahm, keepcalm?

thanks for all these responses

some good thoughts there. Actually I found it very interesting actually describing the pattern in my 10.05 post - don't think I've actually laid it out in black and white terms like that before.

bearmama like your ideas, thanks for that. I am sure I do not tell my DH enough how much I appreciate him.

I read something somewhere recently (which means it was probably on MN ) that so many parents worry about the likelihood of child abductions - which has a ludicrously low probability (0.000000000001%, or whatever. Not decrying the risk/pain involved of those it happens to, hopefully needless to say)

Anyway the article went on to contrast that with the proportion of marriages which end in divorce (45% per this article), and how much effort do we all put into our marriages on a day to day basis? Diddley squat, quite often, as far as I'm concerned.

shandybass thanks for your detailed response. It does sound like a similar problem - however I'm more of a bottler-up: I dream of being able to say "I'm a bit annoyed about this", rather than letting it get to a point where I explode like a volcano! See - you're much better adjusted than me...

oh, and I am kind of a SAHM, but am running own business with DH, so that's also a source of tension. And we've been rowing like this since we met, when I was a business lady running round the City being impressive, so really don't think it's to do with my non-remunerated status.

Glad to help, keepcalm,
FWIW, I think I've got my DP figured out - a lot of his argumentative responses are actually to do with worrying that he's letting me down or that I want something he cant give, rather than bloody-mindedness or malice.

Of course all this insight has come after plenty of arguments

Hi keepcalm,
I'm not sure if you're still around, but I wondered more what is happening in the arguments? You say you're more of a bottler up, but then previously you say you make criticsm's and can be a bit of a cow and both of you can be hurtful.

Is it that you do say a little but only in response to your dh's criticsm and that a lot of things you feel go unsaid?

What stops you from saying how you feel at these times?