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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My feelings are so confused..

5 replies

cheekycee · 01/07/2025 06:39

I split with my son’s dad last summer due to it being toxic and DV involved on his part. We did talk til the October where we began seeing one another again and then it ended again in November we went no contact and picked contact up again the past few weeks. However it’s been rocky blocked/unblocked because together we are so immature and petty and I’ll shamefully admit that. The feelings are big between us (which obviously results in toxic) and it’s easier for my son (hes a baby) and both of us two to go through a family to discuss our sons arrangements as it avoids conflict. As my son grows older I hope he can both grow up and arrange it between us so he doesn’t see us like this as the reason I left is so he didn’t have to see that. Yesterday I had to take my baby to A&E for a suspicion of him having a condition his dad had so I needed his dads advice. (Thankfully my son is absolutely fine and it was nothing to worry about and not that condition and just an intolerance which I am relieved it is nothing serious but sad he is uncomfortable and has been for a while without me knowing :( ❤️).
His dad was there within half an hour of me asking his advice and he did everything right for our son. He looked after him gave me support helped me etc. he did everything a normal healthy coparent would (props to him he did great). However of course it is me and him so now it’s stirred feelings for me. He did nothing to make me feel this way he was absolutely just on a parenting level with me and vice versa. But being in a stressful situation with our son together and being with him together has somewhat brought some form of my feelings back for him and now I’m worried. I have worked so hard healing the past hear. What if I’m not at square one again?! I wouldn’t act on my feelings as I say there’s kids involved they come first and I left due to toxicity and DV. I’m not saying I want him back as I don’t I just feeling “stuck” again in my feelings … urgh!!! So confusing.

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 01/07/2025 07:09

If the relationship was abusive and toxic, and you have left, then don't go back into a relationship with him again. Being in a relationship with this man isn't a good environment for your son, and you know that. The best you can hope for is a decent co-parenting relationship with him. As for him coming to the hospital and being there for his son, that's what he should be doing as a Dad. You are desperate for this man to be what you want him to be, and at times you see glimpses of a decent human being, and then think he will change. I'm not saying your ex is all bad, but you yourself admit being together the relationship is toxic and he can be abusive. This is who he is, with the occasional 'good guy' thrown in. He's not going to change or have a personality transplant! Keep things amicable as best you can, and forget any romantic notions about him.

AquaCat93 · 01/07/2025 07:10

I would say great he's able to act like a parent in a crisis and step up, and that is a good skill, he's not 100% useless and there are things that he can transmit as a parent to your DC.

But yes that's entirely separate to his ability to do that all of the time. I am sure more experienced people will comment. It was like you say an episode of normal parenting, and does not warrant any more than a basic thanks for today.

I don't know but I think the answer is in accepting that two things can both be true - you can't trust him and he is capable of better behaviour. Conflicting feelings can exist in you and that is okay.

Either way you know nothing excuses DV. Best wishes to you.

cheekycee · 01/07/2025 07:25

Sassybooklover · 01/07/2025 07:09

If the relationship was abusive and toxic, and you have left, then don't go back into a relationship with him again. Being in a relationship with this man isn't a good environment for your son, and you know that. The best you can hope for is a decent co-parenting relationship with him. As for him coming to the hospital and being there for his son, that's what he should be doing as a Dad. You are desperate for this man to be what you want him to be, and at times you see glimpses of a decent human being, and then think he will change. I'm not saying your ex is all bad, but you yourself admit being together the relationship is toxic and he can be abusive. This is who he is, with the occasional 'good guy' thrown in. He's not going to change or have a personality transplant! Keep things amicable as best you can, and forget any romantic notions about him.

So so true!! I don’t want him back but it’s the feelings I can’t shift that annoy me. Every word you said is the truth. Thank you

OP posts:
Wish44 · 01/07/2025 07:30

I totally relate op. I suppose it’s love. And we can’t control it. It’s such a strong feeling. A great saying I learned from mumsnet is vote with your feet and your heart we follow.

you have made the right decision with your head and you now have to wait for you heart to catch up. Write lists of the awful things he did. Read it every day so that these are the most prominent memories you have of him. Read self help books of self esteem/

well done for leaving.

Firstsipofcoffee · 01/07/2025 08:58

op. I suppose it’s love

more likely absolutely no good benchmark for what a properly loving relationship looks like, from your own parents and your own historical relationships.

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