I shall try to keep this as short as possible!
I am currently 30 y/o.
i have always been deeply insecure - this has affected me in life since being in my early teens. It has affected relationships with family, friends, partners and with myself.
I constantly compare myself to other women (looks and personality), I used to have 0 self esteem, I am slightly better now but still obsess over these things internally.
i have been with my current partner for 10 years. If I’m being honest I don’t know how or why he has continued to stay in a relationship with me. I used to constantly accuse him of cheating, obsess over his exes, constantly seek reassurance as to why he is with me, I feel he must have been exhausted.
i admit that I have consistently checked his phone (I feel ashamed for doing it but I can’t stop, it’s reassurance for me). It is an unhealthy obsession, I have gone deep into his search history on social media, his archives and page visits. I found last year that he has “visited” a few girls’ profiles (aswell as males - assuming people he knew from school or college etc) over the course of a few months, now even though I know that this was probably totally innocent ( I have actively looked up exes on social media just to be nosey) I constantly obsess over this and have internal arguments with myself about why he visited these profiles.
He had not engaged in any conversations or added any of these people as friends, he had just “visited” the profiles as opposed to “searched” which poses a difference I.e they may have been a suggested person and he clicked on the profile etc.
I cannot stop thinking about this and sabotaging myself and my relationship. If my partner and I broke up I know that I would just do the same thing in the next relationship. I confronted him once about one of his profile “visits” - he did not act shady or guilty, he simply said that the person had popped up as a suggested friend, it was someone he had been dating many years ago, and he clicked the profile out of curiosity as she looked very different to when he knew her. I asked if he had any intention of adding her, speaking to her etc. (I of course already knew that he hadn’t done these things as I had checked his messages and inboxes) I just wanted to see what his response would be. I wanted to see if he would lie. I feel he was honest when asked. I can feel myself trying to catch him out, and slipping back into old habits. I do not want this. I want to stop obsessing over his phone. I want to have the self confidence and esteem to feel like I am a good person, a good partner and that he hasn’t just settled for me. I want to be able to see my positive qualities (I appreciate it doesn’t sound like I have any from this post).
Back about 7 years ago, my insecurities and self doubt were probably at their worst, constantly causing arguments, accusing him of all sorts, being miserable and nasty to him when we saw eachother (we didn’t live together at the time), and I’d found out (by checking his phone) that he had acquired another girl’s number from social media and had been speaking to her for a few days. Whilst I don’t ever condone entertaining another person when you’re in a relationship regardless of the situation, I actually understand his reasons for doing so when I confronted him.
The conversations with said girl were not sexual or innapropriate (I saw for myself). They were asking what the other had been up to and how their day had been, just general chit chat as if they were good friends. When confronting him about this he explained that he knew he was wrong and of course regretted it but at the same time he felt it was nice to have a normal conversation with a female who was not itching for an argument every day and he was craving this kind of positive attention and conversation. Again, whilst I don’t condone it, I understand all of what he said. He has never done this again since then, however I still think about it to this day.
even writing this post I can hear how crazy I sound, and if I could afford therapy or counselling for my issues I absolutely would.
my relationship with my partner is now much better and I have worked on myself A LOT over the past couple of years, but I still get tempted to check his phone as some sort of reassurance. How do I stop doing this??
my insecurities affect other relationships such as with my siblings, I am the middle child and whilst my parents have never treated any of us differently, I feel less important and less relevant than my 2 siblings. I feel that I bring nothing to the family, and if I were to be absent at a family event, I would not be missed. I find myself distancing myself from my parents and siblings sometimes in order to give them a chance to miss me. This is bizarre behaviour, I absolutely recognise this.
i also have barely any female friends. Whilst a lot of work colleagues and family members have multiple friends, I have hardly any. This is because I purposely sabotaged my female friendships during school and after because I always felt like the ugly, irrelevant, boring one and felt that if I had a group of friends I would never meet a life partner due to being the one who just fades into the background.
That is how I feel in life right now. Irrelevant, boring, lonely, not attractive, hard work, the list goes on. I need to pull myself out of this hole.
how do I stop doing this? How do I stop searching for validation and reassurance from everyone?
how do I stop thinking about my partner’s past, and thinking of reasons why he settled for me. I am consumed and drowning by all these thoughts and emotions.
i would never harm myself, i have 2 kids with my partner, we are engaged also. Whilst I understand what I’ve written will probably spark comments such as “your partner should’ve run for the hills years ago” - please be kind. I am a person just after some help, and as always, some reassurance. Maybe some advice from similar situations?
appreciate the patience and the reading this long post.