Relationship started on a lie

[DonutsRock221]

Might be a long one so appologies in advanced.
So I recently found out from my husbands sister that when we first started dating/sleeping together he was actually still with his children's mother! Apparently he had been staying at his mums while the relationship was fizzling out and that it was more or less coming to an end, his children's mother was also suspected to be having an affair at this time too. His sister informed me that while they were going through this is when he met me, we started seeing each other then they split up afterwards.
His sister has no reason to lie to me about this. We have been together for 8 years, married for 3 years and have 2 children together, the relationship hasn't always been plain sailing, he had a serious health problem a few years ago which he nearly didnt come back from, I was his carer for a while which had a huge impact on his mental health and this led him to actually accusing me of cheating (I never have), but on the whole it has been good, and he's always treated me well.

I havent even spoken to him about it yet so he doesnt know that i know, I already know he will deny it (if its even true) I just don't know how to go about it, or even how to feel about it. Do we even continue the relationship as normal or will/should it change. I guess I just feel like we started off as an affair and a lie

If he'd moved out to his mum's surely their relationship was over? Is the fact that they were not formally divorced what's bothering you?

Sounds like his marriage was dead in the water and meeting you was what prompted him to end it.

Thanks for your reply, apparently they hadn't split, they had just had an argument and he was staying at his mums while things cooled down and they were figuring out where they were going next i.e- making it work or splitting for good

It's history, surely?

It is history and I'm definitely not going to fly off the handle about it or anything. But I do feel a bit hurt that at some point I was 'the other woman' even though he had told me he'd been single for 6 months before meeting me. He has also always made a big deal about how wrong it is when people cheat on their partners. I guess I just dont know how to approach the conversation with him, I feel like it'd be weird for me to not tell him I know, and I also worry that things may change with that knowledge being out into he open between us.

Sounds like a split to me. Maybe the finer details hadn’t been hammered out, but if he’d moved out and started seeing someone else, and never went back to his children’s mum, then it’s a break up surely?

He was likely lying to you and to his ex wife at the time. 3 red flags there 1. he’s accused you of cheating after you took care of him after being ill, 2. you think he’ll deny what his sister told you and 3. he told you that he’d been single for 6 months when he hadn’t.

No good will come of telling him you know. The past is the past, and I genuinely can't see what the point would be of bringing all this old history up now.

Why did your SIL tell you all this, or did it just come out in conversation and she thought you already knew?

Agree. I completely disagree with PP - I couldn’t just get past the fact he’d lied to me and made me an unsuspecting OW.

I would have to confront him and based on his he reacted, start to decide if I could continue in the marriage. I despise liars and this is a huge one

Were they still sleeping together? That’d be the line for me.

the whole situation sounds murky. I'd consider a couple de facto "separated" if one of them had moved out, but it's also really common for there to be fits and starts in that type of situation - he thinks it's over then they decide to try again, it's really over but they still have one- (or more) time sex, etc. He shouldn't have been seeing anyone during this time, but he did and it's history. Unless he specifically lied to you - for example, said he was single, or divorced - I'd be disappointed/grossed out a little but probably wouldn't let it change much years later if the relationship's solid now.

However, why do you say I already know he will deny it (if it's even true)? If he routinely lies to you now and you can't trust him now, then there's a huge issue regardless of how the relationship got started. And that's in addition to his falsely accusing you of cheating. Is this new information about his split with his ex wife possibly bothering you because you know the present-day relationship isn't working?