Struggling so much after being ghosted

[LittleMissGhosted]

It's been nearly two months since I was ghosted by a guy after a 3 month 'situationship'. We were not together, but were exclusive. Both mid thirties. We had a disagreement and then he never reached out again. Before the disagreement we would both say how we were moving towards a relationship and that we got on really well and liked each other. So for him to just never want to speak to me again is really hurtful. After a month I deleted his number from whatsapp and unfollowed and removed him from socials. I have since seen him on the dating app we met and that hurt and I guess he will have seen me too.

I'm really struggling with this as things had been going rather well and I feel completely rejected and that I'm lacking. Part of me feels like, if he was just to reach out, a weight would be lifted as I would feel more respected by him. I'm not even looking to get back with a person who can ignore me for this length of time, but to know things meant something, would mean a lot to me.

After thinking about things a lot, I realise my problem is that I had deep feelings for this person, and they had gotten to know me, and still didn't think I was worth keeping around. Maybe because I wasn't 'attractive' enough or 'interesting' enough. I felt I was myself in this short relationship, and it still wasn't enough. He didn't 'choose' me. Before this I hadn't had anything close to a relationship since my mid twenties so that also fuels my feeling of not being enough for someone I'd like.

Can anyone relate and tell me stories about things getting better? Because at this point, i'm feeling so so low and unhopeful and don't know what to do with myself.

Hi OP, I am older than you - nearly 50 - and have learnt so much on here from mumsnet wisdom. So in that vein, I will be blunt - don’t outsource your self worth to someone else.

You choose yourself! You are attractive enough and fabulous enough!

He has shown you what he thinks, if he can’t see your worth or communicate properly, he is simply not good enough or emotionally mature enough anyway.

You are not lacking and you are enough. Hold your head high, buy yourself some flowers and move on xx

His actions have spoken, he would not have made a good partner regardless of the potential.

A month is not very long at all for online dating/messaging regardless of the intensity, as so often is the case - never invest more than you can afford to lose.

You don't actually need anything from him, and it would be a hollow gesture at this point anyway.

Just focus on being your amazing self, develop your own interests and passions - in my opinion relationships are the seasoning and not the main event :)

That’s the problem with internet dating , for women it all seems to be about being picked.. like that somehow makes you worthy. It’s not like that for guys at all which gives them the upper hand and all the power. You really need to re frame your thinking as I see post after post if women thinking something is wrong with them because some loser who wouldn’t have got arrested in my day doesn’t want them. They just move on to the next knowing that there is a q of women lining up to be picked next. Women’s standards , if this site is anything to go by, is rock bottom and men are just reaching down to it. If it makes you feel better reach out but I suspect it won’t. Work on yourself and figure out why you are pining after a guy who didn’t even have the decency to end it

Please re-read your own post and imagine that an elderly woman who has lived a long and fulfilling life read it, and what she would think of it.

I'll give you a hint. She would be appalled.

You have allowed a man with stunted etiquette and social skills . . . a man who cannot handle an argument and lacks the ability or stamina to "adult" and manage disagreements . . . a man who either lacks the courage to be honest with others or himself . . . you have allowed this immature, non-communicator . . . to affect your self-esteem.

Sit with that for a moment. Your reaction to his lack of action and stunted maturity is the opposite of what it should be. You SHOULD be experiencing something close to elation because he gave such a clear signal of undesirability that you do not have to waste any further time with him.

DO NOT take his flaws and deficiencies and internalize those as your own. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You just happened to encounter a man that does not have the skillset or maturity to work through disagreements as adults do. It does not matter "why" and has nothing to do with you. If he felt there was not a connection, then he would have said that at some point rather than take the "coward's path" as he did.

Most likely he just doesn't have it in him to be monogamous or deal with conflict, so it would have been a terrible relationship anyway.

You know who you are. You know the positives you bring to a relationship. NEVER, ever let someone's negatives define you.

This is absolutely correct. Women have nearly non-existent standards for their partners. I do not know if part of this is a by-product of numbers (fewer men than women), but if women could stop basing their self-worth on roles that are merely "relationship connections" (i.e. girlfriend, wife, mother, etc.) and more intricately tied to roles that showcase inherent traits, talents and skills that are separate from their role to a man or child, I think you would see fewer women who think they must be girlfriends, wives, or mothers in order to be happy.

When I was in my 30s and doing online dating I had so many weirdos who ghosted or mucked me around. It felt so bad at the time, but looking back they were complete losers.

I am not sure why but men in their 30s and 40s behave like idiots on the dating scene, and the worst for it are the complete losers. I look back and can't believe I gave them the time of day!

When I was busy obsessing over one complete idiot my future husband matched with me. He's gorgeous, funny, successful, kind and he always called. We're completely in love.

Just try and be patient.

Men can be dicks and online dating tends to show you who they are pretty quickly!

I felt I was myself in this short relationship, and it still wasn't enough.

I mean, that's where you're going wrong surely. Finding a partner isn't about being enough, it's about finding someone you're compatible with.

Many years ago, I met DP at a gig. I was out with my friend, she was out with hers. We had a laugh, drank, danced, and by the end of the night we'd paired off, me with DP, my friend with her friend. To be honest, at first I liked DPs friend more, and DP liked my friend more, and initially things looked to be leaning that way. However, at one point mine and DPs friend discovered a shared obsession with tennis and promptly spent ages huddled together talking about Wimbledon, leaving me and DP together.

Had tennis not been a factor, I'd probably have gone home with DP's friends phone number, and vice versa, and both relationships would have fizzled out after a few months when I realised me and DP's friend don't really have all that much in common. And it wouldn't be due to anyone not being "enough", but because we just weren't "right" for each other. Instead, due to Serena Williams's serve, both relationships are still thriving 20 years later.

Yeah, this guy ghosted you @LittleMissGhosted , but not because you weren't "enough", but because you weren't the right person for him. That doesn't mean you won't be the right person for someone else.

And to be fair, he wasn't the right person for you either, because would you really want to be with someone who is capable of ghosting someone?

I was ghosted after 6 months of dating someone, it’s really really horrible and upset me for a long time.

Truly only the lowest of the low would do ghost like that - it’s 100% not on you.

I don’t have any advice I’m afraid other than just go through the motions and only get back to dating when you’re ready.

Being ghosted after 3 months can be, in my opinion, more hurtful than a three year break up.

If you saw potential in it, then you're undoubtedly going to feel so hurt and upset.

The only way to get over it more quickly is to be so thankful you have avoided such a horrible communicator, and to get back in the saddle!

Hey op, sorry this has happened to you. The only person whose value can be perceived through the situation is his, he sounds cowardly and possibly doesn’t have much source of empathy, so it’s a good thing to not be with him. I know exactly what you mean, that if he contacted you, you’d be more able to move on. I dated someone for say, around 6 months, he was very uncommittal but said all the best things when we were literally together. We had a very minor disagreement (about how much I loved Midnight Cowboy the film) and he sent a text afterwards that ended with “ok bye” and that was it. I liked him a lot and really wanted it to work, it was fairly devastating in feeling, made way worse by being ghosted. He’d introduced me to a big group of his friends who were still in touch with me saying he was an idiot and they were sad about his behaviour, but nothing from him. As I wanted children (was 33ish at the time) I got back on the dating horse v quickly but with a new allergy for even the slightest hint of someone’s bullshit. I’m now engaged (and sadly going through ivf) with a man I met shortly after who is the most communicable and open man I’ve ever dated, no weird huffs and hears out any issue I might be having and we reason through problems together. Possibly because of shitty dating history I value this more than a lot of other things, but it translates to such a wholesome relationship. If it hadn’t been for that guy who ghosted me (and he still pops into my head sometimes) I’d not be quite where I am. You’ll be ok, but I think it will always keep a little of its sting.

I’m so sorry you are going through this op. But this really isn’t a reflection on you and you are worthy enough. This says so much more about him. He sounds very emotionally immature and to be honest a commitment phobe maybe. Have you looked into counselling to come to terms with what you are experiencing right now? Sending you ❤️.

Obviously he wasn't worth it.
Some people are saying 'get back in the saddle' but I think you need to stop caring first, just to make sure that you don't fall for someone because they're there, rather than because they're worth it. I'd worry that your red flag detector may not be functioning properly, you need to be sure this is fixed soon!

A man who ghosts you instead of communicating isn’t worth your worry or energy. It shows you who he is and IMHO you’ve dodged a bullet. Imagine seeing more of him than he regularly uses ghosting to punish you when you disagree (my ex did this). You’re better off without him and after the initial shock has subsided I hope you can see this.

Exactly the same thing happened to me and I was in bits. It took me a LONG time to get over it. For some reason it really, really upset me, even though he was nothing special. One thing that helped was realising that him ghosting says more about him than me.

It's not about being good enough or not, it's just his way of dealing with the situation and even though it's shitty and hurts, you just have to move on.

I found a great partner eventually and he told me that, like a pp, he was ghosted after 6 months, so a full on relationship 😭 people really can be arseholes, but there are decent ones out there too.

Give yourself a break OP and trust that you will be over it eventually. I couldn't care less about the guy who ghosted me now and i guarantee you will feel the same one day.

He showed you he's crap at dealing with conflict. There would have been other things that showed themselves as you got deeper in. He won't contact you, these types of people are very good at closing the door behind them and not opening it again..it means you would have never got a meaningful safe feeling relationship with him.

You've had a lucky escape. I know it doesn't feel like that now but it'll hurt less in time.

Op
how do you know he isn’t saying the same as above to someone about you???

I was ghosted after a 6 month relationship. It was more painful than my decades long relationship ending. I was heartbroken.
We then got back together after a few months as ghosters do tend to come back around and I was a mug.
The type of character who can ghost someone is not the type of person who is going to be a good partner which I found out the second time around. Crap communication, selfish, the inability to solve problems together etc etc.
It doesn’t feel like it now but he has definitely done you a favour 💐

You're using his bad behaviour and personal issues as a barometer of your worth. He barely knows you, plus is clearly an idiot - he's really not the person to use to decide what your value is. Unfortunately the reason you do this is likely to be that you have a habit of determining your self-worth from what others think of you. It's easily done if you've grown up in a certain paradigm, but is bonkers when you think about as it hands all the power over to whichever random people you happen to come across through your life.

He may or may not contact you again. The best thing you could do is decide that whichever of those it is it will have absolutely no consequence on how validated you feel.

Its the idea of a person that we fall for most of the time. The notion that this is the one perhaps, so we tie down hopes for a possible future. Specially when we are unsure of our worth and hope everyone sees it when we finally become a pair rather than being single. Like being single is not the norm, and to be looked at as there must be something wrong with us seeing things like this keep happening.

I am mid 50´s and do not envy those your age. The dating playground today is horrendous and unfair, and downright unhinged.

I get why you feel this way. This isnt anything you have done.
If he is unable to communicate with you about what set him off to ghost you, then imagine the favor he has done you now by doing the ghosting, I mean, he would never be available emotionally on a healthy level if this is what he resorts to doing. Imagine if the tow of you became a thing, the future pair of you faced with any conflict and he would just disappear on you ever single time.

So look at it this way, he is just opening the door to you for something better for you by leaving. And you should always know your own worth, and be frank with anyone who tries to make you feel less than. Remove yourself from situationships if you want a relationship, I say that because there are too many men out there who will say what they know works for them in order to get you to be where they need you, so will feed you the bullshit in a truthful manner, saying things like they want a relationship, but abandon ship as soon as there is a conflict or disagreement. So rather than sit down with you like you deserve, they will stonewall and ghost. That is not what you need or want.

Why do you feel the need to be respected by such an arsehole?

Why have you put your entire sense of self-worth in the hands of someone you have known a matter of weeks?

Sorry you feel this way OP. I sometimes find it helpful to just "accept you feel bad" and sit there feeling bad (like meditation).

You are enough, you don't need a strangers validation to accept yourself. If you generally struggle with confidence then build yourself up off the dating scene - exercise or improving your social life or set some goals and achieve them.

Epecially on apps, would avoid "exclusive but not together" or "moving towards a relationship".

IMO men know straight off if someone is girlfriend material/someone they are going to take seriously.

It's absolutely nothing personal. Could be you have supermodel looks and are rich but they want a girlfriend who is average looking with an average wage!

You can't do anything about this

Obviously it's a bit love bomby to ask on the first meet but if men want exclusive they make someone their girlfriend, they don't ask her not to date others for three months whilst they "try her out".

Three dates is more than enough, three months means placeholder or casual. Unless it was long distance and you hardly met in person?
.
So I think he just wanted attention/ego boost/sex for three months.

But did you not dump him because he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship yet? He don’t ghost you; you told him it was over so he respected that.

If that’s another poster then I’m muddled up.

@Thisismyusername54321 Yeah it hurts because it was still just the beginning, things never even had chance to get off the ground. Although it doesn't appear like they ever would have since he has so easily been able to walk away

@hicat I'm sorry you had a similar experience. Can I ask how you managed to come to terms with it? And yeah finding it hard to move on cos don't really know wtf happened. One minute we're all good and the next he's never speaking to me again.

@silentlyleavetheirlife Because I was the last person to text him, he was the one who ghosted me

@TheAvidWriter Yep. And I can't seem to catch a break when it comes to men and relationships. So it appears as though it's me that the problem is with

@DoorMoose I expect it's because i'm the average looking, average wage gal. I think he wanted someone supermodel looks and rich