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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Worried about my friend being controlled

8 replies

Soonbefriday · 30/06/2025 10:48

My friend of 5 years has recently met someone (c. 2 months) She was lonely and desperate to meet a nice man for companionship (she’s in her mid 60s and says sex not a priority). Initially I thought brilliant, good for her, sounds nice. Local man, widower, dotes on her. I’ve not seen her socially since though and on the 3 occasions I have briefly seen him out with her dog walking he has been hostile to me. First of all I thought I was imagining things but the 2nd time he outright blanked me when I said hello and the 3rd time (last night) my friend and I were chatting and she suggested meeting up as she missed me and he was glaring. She’s stopped her previous job and is planning setting up a dog walking/sitting business so I mentioned my need for dogsitting on a forthcoming Sunday (paid of course). He just snapped “can’t do that” and when I gave him an enquiring look he was a bit hesitant and mumbled about a barbecue. She replied that she could at least walk and feed them and he gave daggers to both of us. She has form with coercive relationships and I’m concerned her need for a man in her life is overriding the control element. I messaged her when I got home suggesting a catch up over a glass of wine this week which she accepted. DH will be golfing so we’ll have space to talk. Am going to have to tread carefully here but I have bad vibes about this. I was in a ln abusive and controlling marriage previously so I see the red flags. Really hoping it’s not the case but he seems to not let her out of his sight and she’s a bit more subdued. Any advice on how to broach the subject carefully ? DH thinks same as me from what I said.

OP posts:
Greenjack · 30/06/2025 11:01

Soonbefriday · 30/06/2025 10:48

My friend of 5 years has recently met someone (c. 2 months) She was lonely and desperate to meet a nice man for companionship (she’s in her mid 60s and says sex not a priority). Initially I thought brilliant, good for her, sounds nice. Local man, widower, dotes on her. I’ve not seen her socially since though and on the 3 occasions I have briefly seen him out with her dog walking he has been hostile to me. First of all I thought I was imagining things but the 2nd time he outright blanked me when I said hello and the 3rd time (last night) my friend and I were chatting and she suggested meeting up as she missed me and he was glaring. She’s stopped her previous job and is planning setting up a dog walking/sitting business so I mentioned my need for dogsitting on a forthcoming Sunday (paid of course). He just snapped “can’t do that” and when I gave him an enquiring look he was a bit hesitant and mumbled about a barbecue. She replied that she could at least walk and feed them and he gave daggers to both of us. She has form with coercive relationships and I’m concerned her need for a man in her life is overriding the control element. I messaged her when I got home suggesting a catch up over a glass of wine this week which she accepted. DH will be golfing so we’ll have space to talk. Am going to have to tread carefully here but I have bad vibes about this. I was in a ln abusive and controlling marriage previously so I see the red flags. Really hoping it’s not the case but he seems to not let her out of his sight and she’s a bit more subdued. Any advice on how to broach the subject carefully ? DH thinks same as me from what I said.

I've heard quite a few similar stories of these older controlling guys. They want their new partners' lives to get smaller and revolve around (looking after) them. They've often been recently divorced or widowed and are looking for a new victim replacement caretaker.

You're right to play it carefully though and focus on her keeping her own life big rather than criticizing him. I made that mistake years ago and was dumped by friend. Years later I heard she escaped from him while he was at work and took all the furniture and the kids so I wasn't wrong about him! Just how I approached it.

Soonbefriday · 30/06/2025 11:39

Greenjack · 30/06/2025 11:01

I've heard quite a few similar stories of these older controlling guys. They want their new partners' lives to get smaller and revolve around (looking after) them. They've often been recently divorced or widowed and are looking for a new victim replacement caretaker.

You're right to play it carefully though and focus on her keeping her own life big rather than criticizing him. I made that mistake years ago and was dumped by friend. Years later I heard she escaped from him while he was at work and took all the furniture and the kids so I wasn't wrong about him! Just how I approached it.

Thanks @Greenjack sound advice and scary insights with the friend. Very sad you lost the friendship

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 30/06/2025 11:49

Agree with above.
Avoid asking about or commenting on him.
Try to big her up subtly.
Talk of what you appreciate about her.
?sense of humour maybe.
Thank her for all the silly school girl like laughs you've shared.
Something like that.
So she remembers you with a smile.
And feels you are someone who really knows her and with whom she can relax.
You are doing well.
She will need you.
All the best.
Let us know how it goes.

Soonbefriday · 30/06/2025 11:51

alexdgr8 · 30/06/2025 11:49

Agree with above.
Avoid asking about or commenting on him.
Try to big her up subtly.
Talk of what you appreciate about her.
?sense of humour maybe.
Thank her for all the silly school girl like laughs you've shared.
Something like that.
So she remembers you with a smile.
And feels you are someone who really knows her and with whom she can relax.
You are doing well.
She will need you.
All the best.
Let us know how it goes.

Thanks @alexdgr8 I will do. It’ll be hard to keep my gob shut but I will do !

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/06/2025 12:43

You are right to be concerned here.

Keep your own counsel re him because you may well drive her further into his arms which is something you do not want

You are right about him though and she is in yet another controlling aka abusive relationship. Its likely been a pattern her whole adult life.

Do not allow him to cut you off from seeing your friend; keep seeing her and as regularly as possible. He has sadly also managed to get her to give up her previous job; another tactic in the abusers arsenal. Dog walking will not pay its way and will in her case allow him to keep a very close eye on her. He really does want to keep her in a cage of his own paranoid making.

When she is finally free of him (which could be some time yet) show her the book called Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. Encourage her to get therapy as to why she is picking such men repeatedly.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/06/2025 12:47

I managed to get my friend away from her abusive H but it took time. I did similar to what has been suggested by alexdgr8. Give these people the tools and its up to them what they do with it.

Soonbefriday · 30/06/2025 17:54

Thanks all. It’s very concerning. Unfortunately way too many threads on this subject across the site.

OP posts:
Soonbefriday · 03/07/2025 21:29

Update: I think I was wrong (thankfully). My friend cooked dinner for the two of us tonight and I get the sense that he might not be great socially and may have been suffering with depression due to being bereaved which is possibly why he was a abrupt with me. She seems fine and says she feels more relaxed now she has a nice man in her life. Am so pleased and relieved. I behaved myself impeccably 😇 When you’ve been in an abusive relationship you see red flags everywhere and I guess it makes you hyper-vigilant.

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