Where do I even start. Not even quite sure what I want to say, what I want to gain, or why I am posting. I am just so lost and number at the moment, its a real struggle.
I've been with my partner for just over 9 years now, between us we have 3 children. 1 each from previous and 1 together.
Since the birth of our child in 2018, things changed, as they do when kids come along. I've adapted. Him not so much. He continues to play sport 2 nights a week, one of the nights he doesn't get home until 11pm earliest! Annoyingly, he expects me to wait up for him so we can have a 'nice night', but within 2 mins he is asleep on the sofa.. then I feel resentful because I could've just gone to bed. I do sometimes, but he usually starts some form of argument, so it's often best if I wait up.
I don't do anything for myself. My job is based predominantly out in the community and can be mentally draining most days. Ive got a treadmill at home, which I hoped would be something for me to do, but I often just dont have the energy or time to do it. Its me who's taking the kids to clubs or making tea or doing the washing.
Each night I get into bed and I am shattered, but he wants sex. In previous posts I think I have mentioned about his wierd addiction to porn and what not, which has had a huge impact on me, my self confidence, my sex drive, just everything. I used to love nothing more than being intimate. Now I just feel like that's all I was put on this earth for, so my body has just shut off, my libido has disappeared completely, I just have no feeling, no desire, nothing.
I have explained to him that I feel down, that my libido has gone, I'm stressed out, potentially just struggling with my mental health. I'm not particularly fat, but I have put a stone on over the last few months, which has again contributed to my mental health. I hate my body, and nothing i do is shifting how horrible I have become. Again, I've explained all this to him and he just tells me to stop and that I 'annoy' him when I say things like that.
So, back to each night getting into bed.. he lies there looking up, scratching at his legs as to draw attention to himself. I ask him what the matter is, and he basically just shouts and swears at me - 'somethings going on' 'who've you been working with today' 'if you dont want me then just go' 'I want to be with someone who wants me' then mutters about how he's going to have to go off and get it elsewhere..
Like what do I even do? He is just so nasty, which is then having more of an impact on my mental health and any hope of my libido returning, destroyed. It's like I just see him as one of those sex obsessed creepy men that go on the Internet and do x,y,z. It really puts me off. I shouldn't be feeling like this.
I love him to pieces, and leaving is not an option, as much as many may suggest it!
I think what I might be asking is how on earth to I get myself back to loving myself, and feeling sexy and attractive and actually wanting to do something with him?
I just want to hide my body away and I feel so uncomfortable when he touches me. I have to have at least a bottle of wine in order to do anything with him, which I cant exactly do all the time! We used to be so close and intimate, but he messed it up when he made the wrong choices, but he can't see what it has done to me, and will not blame himself for any of it.
I just want to feel loved and comfortable. I see on tv all the time, these romantic couples, great sex life, confidence. I have none of it! And it know TV isnt real, but the principle of it is. I just dont know what to do :(