Is anyone awake - need to talk feel awful (trigger pregnancy related)

[insomniastressandregret]

I don’t know what to do I’ve become an insomniac due to stress. I feel like I’m going mad. I’ve had secondary infertility for years and was desperate for another . Had multiple clomid and Letrozole cycles the past 2 years and it’s finally worked and I thought I’d be happy and I’m completely the opposite.

I’ve tried to be ok and every night I’m waking up and can’t sleep for hours as I’ve realised I don’t want another but I can’t do anything as this is what we tried for. I think in all honesty without realising I’d become used to it not happening and now it has it’s not what I want anymore ? I know that sounds awful and the thought of pregnancy and another child now makes me feel terrified and stressed and panicked.

I don’t know how to tell my dh this ? He is happy he thinks I’m happy and I can’t even understand myself why I’m not . I keep crying about it all. I don’t want to go through pregnancy and birth I don’t want sleepless nights I feel like I’ve totally lost interest now and my life had moved on without me realising ? Can anyone talk to me or advise me

Also I’m 42 so this is probably my last chance and we had tried for 5 years . I dread going to bed each night as keep waking up for hours panicking over it all. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I was desperate and I thought I’d be happy it has been what I’ve been waiting for and when the test went positive I felt flat? I thought it hadn’t sunk in but as the time has passed I feel panicky and full
of regret now.

I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard and confusing time, @insomniastressandregret. How far along are you?

I think you need to talk about this with your DH. Perhaps start by saying something like, 'I know this sounds crazy after I tried so hard, but this is how I'm feeling... I need to tell you as I'm in bits about it all.'

I hope you get at least a bit of rest tonight.

Only 6 weeks so very early. I just don’t understand why I feel like this and i dread nights as I’ve woken every night in a sudden panic and I’m exhausted

I tried to start a conversation yesterday carefully about it and he said I’ll be fine once I’ve had a scan (early scan booked for when Im 7 w) he said it’s just an adjustment time as it’s taken so long but I feel blind panic and regret

Hi OP I know how you are feeling, same happened to me a year ago and I even thought about ending the pregnancy, it then ended naturally in missed miscarriage. I felt so anxious about it, but after I lost it, I felt sad and disappointed. I know I would love a baby but getting that positive result filled me with dread. But I can’t shake the feeling of wanting another, this month we tried again and I think I might be pregnant but feel too scared to do the test, the same feelings as last year are coming back but I’ve decided this time to feel happy about it, because I felt so guilty at how much anxiety I felt and the thought of ending the pregnancy, when it ended naturally I felt terrible. If this is the last time I can get pregnant then I want to enjoy it, I’m 41 and my husband didn’t really want another.
I looked in loads of forums last year and I think this reaction is normal. You know that when you have your baby in your arms you will love it more than anything. Our brain is our worst enemy, the early years go so fast, think back to how you felt when you couldn’t have your so much wanted baby.

During the night everything feels worse, I know it’s such a big decision but your husband is supportive and you knew you couldn’t give up on trying. It’s really hard I know but try to enjoy it, it’s such early days. From my own experience, feeling exactly like you are, I still wanted to try again because deep down I would love for the happy ending. We feel is a big thing ahead of us having to do all over again but you can do it.

Your feelings don't have to "make sense". In fact when they don't 'make sense' that's when they are particularly distressing.

He needs to listen to you, not just tell you how it'll be OK. I would try again, and say "please just listen to me. Don't just tell me it will be OK, as that doesn't help." And then explain what you've said here.

I also wonder if you can get some counselling. Someone who works in this area, to have an objective person to talk to? Would there be someone connected to the clinics you've used?

its just so confusing as I’ve been desperate for years and had so many treatments and some surgeries . I think all through it I’d had therapy and been very careful with my MH, expecting failure and having coping strategies for the fails and the last Letrozole cycle we had decided was the last. I’d made peace with that and made plans for straight after to keep me occupied as I knew I’d have disappointment but we had decided that’s when we would give up. Even my dd asks for a baby brother or sister and I should be happy but I’m finding myself mourning the life I’d planned for if it had failed . I didn’t think it would work at all and this reaction has shocked me so much.

Oh dear OP.

Do you think you had persuaded yourself it wouldn't happen, to have made plans, now you are, for want of a better word, mourning that alternative life?

I think @JJRD11 has wise words.

Yes I think it’s exactly that. It’s been so long and nothing had worked and we decided one last ovulation induction cycle then give up as it was too much for us both. I’d made really extensive plans this time knowing it was the last cycle.

This will sound so shallow as well but I got extremely overweight after having dd and over the last year I’d made a huge effort to lose it all plus a bit more and I felt so much better and I feel selfish now to feel like ‘oh no I’ll put it all back on again’ I had made so many ‘coping plans’ for when it went wrong and now I feel exactly like I’m mourning that.

i will try to talk to dh I know he will listen and be kind but I feel so awful to even say to him that I’m not happy I just feel nothing and flat about it in the day and at night this happens

I think I’m shocked I feel like this. Looking back a few months ago I stopped myself looking at baby things in shops etc or online I thought it was my mind protecting me? Now I’m not sure if it was something else. I feel awful about this and I can’t work out what’s wrong with me . I’m so exhausted I want to sleep and I can’t

I totally know what you mean, last year I had given us the deadline of trying by the time I turned 40, and convinced myself that if it didn’t work that then I would let go of the idea of having another baby and do lots of stuff with my life like changing work and going to the gym, etc etc. when i then tested positive I felt so anxious thinking why did I do that, I knew where I was in life, my child was older, how was I going to do it all again. And then like I said, it all ended when I did a scan and baby hadn’t grown, and then I felt the opposite of relief. I really do think it’s our brains playing with us. It’s so hard to let go of the idea of a baby when you wanted so much. And then what have I done since, I didn’t do any of the things I said, instead all I could think was to try again, but this time try to enjoy because anything can happen.
seriously it’s your brain playing with you, try to go one day at a time, you’re early on, try to enjoy it as if it’s the last time whatever happens. You are not being crazy, I swear I felt the same to the point of calling a termination agency but then couldn’t go through and it ended anyway and I then wished I had cherished the little being inside of me.

I’m so so sorry this happened to you. I think you’re right it’s my mind playing with me and I just can’t work out why . I’m exhausted and just want to sleep and it’s every night and I want to cry all the time.

Good morning OP. I don't have any specific advice to help but I just wanted to say your feelings are totally valid! You're exhausted and your mind is doing overtime. Everything also feels so much worse during the night when everyone else is sleeping and you're alone in the dark! We planned our baby and I got some omg what have I done feelings when I found out, I think it's because you think it might never happen and then it does reality hits you. Plus, hormones! Try and sit down with your DH when you won't be interrupted by your DD and have a really honest conversation with him, sometimes catching their attention with saying I really need to have a serious, frank, honest conversation with you stops them going to the instant everything will be ok response. At the end of the day you need to do what's best for you and your family. Also, not sure if any sleeping tablets are safe during pregnancy but if any are I would get them prescribed, you need to rest your mind! Xx

Thankyou I will look into sleeping tablets as it’s really affecting me during the day I’m so exhausted. I just feel so shocked by how i feel I will try and talk to dh today as I thought this would pass and it’s getting worse

Don't forget your hormones are also having an impact.

I'm sure you are shocked and our bodies can react in different ways.

I spoke to dh but I’ve noticed as it gets to evening again I’m getting panicky ? I really don’t understand why. I think I may have to go to the gp perhaps as I don’t feel ok and I’m not sure if it’s hormones but I feel so unhappy