Hi all, firstly I just want to say sorry if this ends up a bit rambly. I’ll try to get to the point. I’ve been with my partner for seven years. At the very start of the relationship he lied to me and was unfaithful. It was to do with an ex who lived abroad and he had a child with and he was worried about her cutting the child from his life if he ended things with her. So during that first few months he lived a double life. When I found out, he finished things immediately with the woman. Because of location he visited once during this time and physically cheated while he was there (I naively thought he was just there to spend time with his child).
A few months later when trying to rebuild things, I found he’d been watching porn and lying/ hiding it. What hurt was that I was actually at our unborn babies hospital appt and he’d planned it so well so I wouldn’t find out with excuses all primed. Despite to my face claiming he’s not really into it etc. and me thinking we could talk about this stuff. Ok so on its own maybe not a huge deal but combined with the above which consisted of him messaging her every time I left the room and video calling every time I wasn’t there, was a big disappointment to me.
Both times I emphasised the importance to me of trust honesty and openness. And I don’t care how bad what you need to say is, just always say it straight to my face and I’ll be so grateful. And both times he’d lied, hidden, and deceived me so much (with the porn he denied it for weeks until he could t find a way out and had to admit it).
So fast forward six years, we were happy. Everything behind us, I thought we had an open close honest relationship. We talk about difficult things and understand each other much better. Atleast I thought. I thought he understood my non negotiable is lying. My previous marriage broke down because of his lies and I just find lying so disrespectful and pointless.
he smokes a few a day and was trying to cut down (I don’t like the smoking but after this long I accept it but try to support and encourage him when he goes through phases of wanting to quite/vape). So he decided he’ll try to smoke only three a day (he decided, not me) and asked me to keep the pack so he wouldn’t take more. The other day I came home and he smelt of smoke, so I said “oh I know what you’ve just had” in a cheeky but caught you out kind of way (kids were there so I didn’t say much). And he started denying. And twisting, and lying and making excuses to cover himself for the next fifteen minutes. But I wasn’t even that bothered. He could have just said “oh yes I had to buy more”. Or even backed out of the lie earlier. But instead he spent his time trying to flip it on me and make out his last one was six hours previously etc.
and I just felt so disrespected that he had lied and acted with this whole denial performance, instead of just saying “yes I did”. Over something so small when he should no that my one dealbreaker after everything we went through was “no lies, ever, not big or small”. And when we were in such a good place, with no problems or issues between us and he could have just told me and I wouldn’t have cared.
But now the problem is I see he acted and reacted exactly the same as previously. And it’s made me completely doubt him and mistrust him again. If he lies to me so desperately about this, what else will he lie to me about? Because maybe it’s just in his nature and it’s his MO. So because my boundaries were so clear and black and white, and because he overstepped them for no reason, I feel I don’t have any choice but to draw a line and finish things. Because if he chooses not to respect me, he’ll lie again if he hasn’t already and I think that’ll break me.
dont hold back, please tell me if I’m being unreasonable. I know a relationship takes effort and forgiveness. But I should mention that over the last two days all he’s done is tell me I’ve over reacted and still not shown any remorse. I think he’s just in shock that we’ve come to this stage over cigarettes. But it’s not that, it’s the lying. Even now he misses the point :-( . Thanks very much in advance …