I don’t know if I’m happy in my marriage

[Beastlybeautiful]

Hi all,
I’m a stay-at-home mum to two little ones — a 3-year-old and an 8-month-old. I’ve been feeling so mentally stuck lately, and I’m not sure if it’s just a phase, the stress of parenting, or something deeper in my marriage.
My husband is not a bad person. He’s a loving dad and genuinely cares about our kids. He helps with housework, tells me to sleep in, and will take over with the kids when I’m burned out. He’s not abusive or harsh — and I think that’s why I feel even more confused.
But as the years go on, I’m realising we’re growing apart culturally, religiously, and emotionally. He’s quite traditional in some ways — he doesn’t want me to work, especially not around “non-mahrams” (even though I have a degree and used to teach). He says things like “I’m glad you can’t drive because I like you being dependent on me” — then laughs and says he’s joking, but I’m not sure anymore.
When I express how I want more for my life — to travel, to grow, to build something for myself — he kind of shrugs it off. He’s very focused on saving and home life, and while I understand the importance of that, I feel like I’m disappearing. I don’t have any financial control right now, and it’s starting to weigh on me heavily.
We also don’t really connect one-on-one anymore. I’ve asked for date nights or alone time, but for him, “family time” is enough. He says I should talk to him more, but when I do, we just go in circles or it fizzles out. When I cry or feel overwhelmed, he sees it as me “dragging things” — not something to be soothed or understood.
Recently he even said he regrets moving into our own place — which felt like a punch to the gut after all the effort I’ve put into making this home.
So now I’m stuck wondering… is this just normal post-baby relationship tension, or is this a deeper misalignment? I have no financial independence right now, and leaving feels terrifying — but staying like this feels like I’m slowly losing parts of myself.
I thought marriage would be much more blissful and fun, I’ve been married 5 years..
Has anyone been through something similar?
Can things like this shift with time and effort — or am I ignoring red flags out of fear and guilt?

Please, please hear me.

This man is controlling you and he is doing that by segregating you and making you wholly dependent on him. My friend, please leave.

I was married to a man for 17 years. We were in a strict church where they taught that women submit to their husbands. He was exactly the same as this. In our 17th year together, I decided to leave. This was 3 years ago. It isn’t easy, but it was the best decision I have ever made for myself. I am now completely independent and choose how I live my life. I am so content and happier as a person. Our son has said to me many times, “I am so glad you and Dad are no longer together, you can such a happy person now!”

We have one life, and it goes by so fast. Please don’t waste it by cohabiting with someone who treats you like what you want and need doesn’t matter. Step forward for yourself and focus on what makes YOU happy. Not what makes HIM or even your children happy, YOU! Ultimately, if you’re happier and thriving, your children will too.

Hugs!

Why don't you start to carve out a life for yourself for a start? You could learn to drive, your life will be easier and you will have some independence. Plan a return to work. There's lots of things you could be doing to flex your wings. How your husband reacts will tell you what you need to know.

If you feel you are losing yourself then the dynamic of your relationship is off and your husband likes your dependency on him. If you wish to grow as a person learning to drive would certainly give you a start in claiming your independence back. Do you have any access to money ? Make a list to discuss with your husband without crying or getting overwhelmed so he can see you are serious about your needs. Apply for your provisional licence, find some local groups for mums/toddlers to give you an outlet and maybe research teaching opportunities in your area for when your children are a bit older. Hugs

I think such a man will try and sabotage each and every attempt for the op to go out to work. Same with driving ( it is certainly not in his interest for his wife to be able to drive.

OP needs to start planning her exit from this relationship as her DH is not a DH at all. OP is being controlled by him.

Are you in the UK Op?

I think id start to be really purposeful in some changes. Like others have said start to learn to drive. Maybe that needs to be a "I'm going to learn to drive" not asking.
I think doing things like that and his reacting (which I presume will be to block in any way) will help to confirm that this is not right.
At that point you can start to look into how you prepare for what might be to come. Others are probably better placed in that area as i have not been in a situation with such control.

Having two kids that young is rough on marriages at the best of times. But equally did you not talk about you being a stay at home mum before you had children? did you say you’d still like a career despite kids?

i would set a date, six months from now, a year from now and see how you feel. Maybe couples counselling.

tell him his “jokes” aren’t appropriate.

Unfortunately you say youre financially dependant on him, so squirrelling away benefits In your own bank account. (if entitled) or getting a job from home- if he won’t agree to kids going to nursery- is really your only choice if you want to get out. Is your name on the mortgage? Selling a few bits and bobs places like Vinted adds up too.

I would be getting some private legal advice as despite being married, if you are financially dependant (especially if you have to ask him for money) you are in a very precarious position.

you don’t need to divorce or even split up, I think with effort and maybe counselling you could fix things. I don’t think he’s abusive. People are too quick on here to say LTB / he’s an abuser straight away. Why does he regret moving into a place? Is it because he doesn’t like the area? Or the house?

have you got any families who could help you?

edit: taken the nursery thing out as I see one of the kids is very young

Learning to drive is V expensive, OP has no control of the money from what she’s saying.

Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. Joint counselling with him is a non starter. These types of men are not amenable to being counselled.

Please note, there’s no force in what he says. He doesn’t force me to do anything, he says his opinions so I can’t really enjoy doing the things I want knowing he’s upset

You need to sit down and talk to him about how he’s making you feel. He maybe thinks you’re happy just staying at home.

His opinions are his but he expects you to adhere to them. It’s one rule for him snd another for you.

What things do you want to do that he supposedly gets upset about?. Driving, working with people of the opposite sex?. This man wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

Would you want your children as adults to be in a relationship like yours is?. Likely not and it’s not good enough for you either. I would urge you to plan your exit from this and particularly before your kids further start to see this relationship model as their norm.

Are you in the U.K.?

I dare say he knows how you feel and really does not care.

I would certainly be very unhappy in your marriage. As you say - you’re disappearing.

Your husband is not only not interested in you as an individual, he actively wants to keep you small and dependent on him.

His opinions are awful. They will damage you, your children and actually your husband himself. He wants you to live a small life where your sole function is to raise your shared children. He doesn’t want you to be a whole person. It’s really unhealthy not just for you but also for your children to be raised by a mother who is effaced into nothingness.

A good partner would support you to be ambitious and to flourish. They would raise you up, not cage you in. Your husband has very limited, oppressive, sexist ideas about a woman’s role in the world. Unless he re-educates himself he’s going to be a problem to you and your DCs.

OP,

Do you have direct access to money in terms of a joint bank account or does he exert full control of money eg giving you an allowance?. Such financial control
is abusive and he does not have to hit you to hurt you.

If you're in the UK contact women's aid. It sounds like you are being financially abused if you have no access to money.

Yes, curious whether OP has access to the money too, or if it was agreed between them that he’d control money matters. I get the feeling that they might have had a slightly different upbringing to most people on here/ may be from a religious background.

He will know this and he will utilise it.

It’s manipulation.