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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Unhappy marriage with a good man

6 replies

Unhappymumof1 · 29/06/2025 18:07

Hi, i am very sorry already for making you read so long. I guess i know what i should do but at the moment i dont/cant do it. I have no one to share with my dilemma, so i have to let it out here. I feel so lonely even i am married with one kid. We have 30yrs gap. He is a good man and does his best to provide. However, since we have our child, we have grown apart. He had arm injury that kept him from doing anything. Well - thats what we keep convincing ourselves. But in reality, we just dont talk anymore and go out together. He normally stays late and i go bed early when i put our daughter to bed. And when i do decide to stay late with him in the lounge, he seems to be sleepy and goes bed early leaving me alone. Its not just on one occassion this happened but many times. He is obviously in his age already where he cant keep himself awake to watch a film. I do sometimes accused him of having an online affair as i caught him messaging an old online acquaintance but he deleted it. I assumed he deleted the chat everytime. He messaged the woman while he drops our kid to school or when waiting to pick her up. He messaged the woman showing interest in her work-out lifestyle. I sense some flirting to it but he said its only a friendly message. I feel insulted when i found the deleted messages. He is lazy and wont even go for a walk let alone asking for the woman for tips to get into working out. Only short messages but he has
messaged her more than one occasion. So not sure anymore if i should trust him. He is retired and had plenty of time in his hands while i still work full time. When something pings on his phone, his immediate reaction is keeping the screen away from me when he opens it. Most of the time i get so suspisious that i always asked him who it is and he then evetually show it (and all the time its not women). But he does always clear his browsing history until i got so suspiscious. Now when i look at his browsing history, its all just normal stuff, but i dont know if i should believe it. We have not had sex since our child was conceived. He doesnt look at me like interested in me. All he sees and say are my flaws when i try to look sexy. I must admit i have put so much weight but i am trying so hard to get my body back. But i get so easily disppointed and disinterested when he says something that doesnt support me of my journey to weight loss. I dont know if i still love him. But i know for sure that if i am not struggling financially, i would have left him. I have few bills to pay and family to help. So financing myself and a kid from my wage is not going to be enough. I feel
lonely as every time we go out, its always only me and my daughter. His excuse is he cant walk much. And its true. So its always only me and my daughter that i feel i lost touch of everything in the world. Feeling so lonely and mad all the time that somehow i let it out to our daughter. There is just nothing we do as a team anymore. When i want to go out/do something, he always refers me to my friend to do it with. But my friends have their own family they go out with themselves which most of the time i cant ask them. He expects me to serve him as a wife but he doesnt do anything to please me apart from when i ASK financially. So it feels like, if not financially, who is he to me????

OP posts:
Cocorico22 · 29/06/2025 22:18

I can hear the frustration in your post, it sounds tough and I would feel the same way!

”So it feels like, if not financially, who is he to me????”

is he going to change ? Probably not. Do you really want to be with him for the rest of your life, if your life is like this? You say you depend on him financially, if you leave him will he pay maintenance? I think deep down you know the right answer to this situation - you might need to go through the short term pain of leaving but it will soon be clear it was the right decision. You’ve got this!!!

Alwaysbackagain · 30/06/2025 05:56

I fail to see why in the title of your thread you say you are married to a " good man".
From what you describe he provides for you financially but otherwise what on earth is good about him?
I think you should explore how you could manage financially if you were to seperate.

Zanatdy · 30/06/2025 06:23

Have a look at what financial help you could get if you left. If you think that you wouldn’t be able to manage, then chances are you’d get some government help. Sounds like the marriage is dead, and little chance of coming back from that. You’re still young, don’t waste your best years staying in a dead marriage.

User37482 · 30/06/2025 06:33

He sounds like a twat tbh. He doesn’t do anything with you or your kid, he’s 30 years older and can’t walk but criticises your appearance. I mean honestly you are better off without him. Look at your finances and figure it out.

Anonusername1234 · 30/06/2025 06:35

No ‘good man’ about it.

You've got yourself an absolute loser who if not cheating is most certainly seeking to cheat on you. Who puts you down and offers you no support.

He sounds awful. Sort your finances, get a job and stand on your own two feet to get away from this idiot.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 30/06/2025 06:37

I'm not sure what you expected with a 30 year age gap but your relationship is over. He's much too old for you and you don't trust him.

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