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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anyone else or just me?

29 replies

Boredandbitter · 29/06/2025 17:09

27 years married. After six months of checking pockets, snooping in drawers and turning up where DH "should" be and him not being there, one morning, he left his phone open on the chat with his AP. I read it, felt sick and a couple of weeks later, I confronted him about it. He admitted it, told me that it had been going on for just over a year, that he never went looking for it and that he just slipped into it; it just happened.
I left for a week to lick my wounds. When I returned, he told me that he would not give her up as she was a good friend and that maybe we could stay married but him keep her friendship. I refused this offer and began divorce proceedings.
We had to remain in the same house as only his wage coming in due to my chronic health condition. He carried on seeing her a few nights a week and at weekends. He refused to tell me anything; where they met, what she did, was she married, what she did, did he love her (answered I don't think so). He was taking money out of our bank account every Friday for their date night.
I started stashing my disability money rather than using it to pay bills and he didn't notice so I built up a few hundred quid. I employed a PI to put a tracker on his car. The PI followed them to a doer upper that we jointly own. They were in there for two and a half hours. So I now knew where they went to be together.Then I got the PI to dig deeper on the AP. The PI rang me " are you sitting down?"
Me "yes, why?"
"Your Husbands girlfriend is a TRANSGENDER SEX WORKER. "
Me "are you sure?"
They sent photos.
OMFG
They are still together. I turn 60 tomorrow.
We are not divorced yet because he spends all his time taking her on days out and shopping together.
Jesus Shitting Christ. Might write a book one day.

OP posts:
BallerinaRadio · 29/06/2025 17:53

This reply has been deleted

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vodkaredbullgirl · 29/06/2025 18:06

🤔

Boredandbitter · 29/06/2025 18:12

I can assure you this is all true. I have been scouring Mumsnet for ages to find someone to empathise with me so not being believed is upsetting.

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 29/06/2025 18:15

Awww bless you

Hoardasurass · 29/06/2025 18:15

So he's gay then

House0fBamboo · 29/06/2025 18:17

If you're now living separate lives even if in the same house, why would you waste money on a PI? Save it to move out. Proceed with the divorce, sell the house and move on with your life.

Boredandbitter · 29/06/2025 19:20

Christ I didn't expect such trite responses. We live in rented. He hasn't finished the doer upper because he's been busy shagging about. The money spent on the PI was worth every penny, it confirmed to me that it was not about me being not good enough, it was more of a him problem. But you all carry on not believing and thinking that things are so easy. Anyone have any idea of what I am going to live on when the divorce comes through? Remember the chronic health condition? I can't work. And he is the one dragging the divorce out by not filling in his mediation forms for the past four months.

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 29/06/2025 19:27

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Grin
Petitchat · 29/06/2025 19:36

OP, I completely get it.
Very similar happened to me years ago.
Such a shock isn't it? And we had a son.

If it's any consolation, met a lovely man after that, two more kids and happily married.

I also had long term illness and even worse now. My DH has become my Carer.

Don't waste any more of your disability money. Save it for yourself.

So sorry. It's awful, mind blowing, confusing but you will survive Flowers

INeedAnotherName · 29/06/2025 19:51

Anyone have any idea of what I am going to live on when the divorce comes through? Remember the chronic health condition? I can't work.
No idea as I'm in similar circumstances but quite honestly the possibility of having to live in a hostel and food banks has got to be a better life than you've got right now. Divorce is no fault so save your meagre pennies for rent and food instead of wasting it on things that aren't really needed or necessary.

PuzzledPieces · 29/06/2025 20:48

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Redpeach · 29/06/2025 20:51

Whats an ap

Witchling · 29/06/2025 20:56

So what's your plan?

You need something good for the heroine of your tale

Petitchat · 29/06/2025 21:00

Witchling · 29/06/2025 20:56

So what's your plan?

You need something good for the heroine of your tale

Good bit of empathy there.

Very apt username too..

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 29/06/2025 21:04

Why can't you work?

madaboutpurple · 29/06/2025 21:14

That must have been terrible to be given that information. I would imagine you will actually be numb. I hope you have friends and family that can support you. In time I hope you meet a wonderful man that deserves your love. That is one very tricky situation to be in. I don't use emojis but I would like to send you a virtual bouquet of flowers. I really don't know how you are coping and i have to say I am sure you do not need stupid comments from some posters. Anyone would be devastated about that situation, I really do send you my best wishes.

Petitchat · 29/06/2025 21:26

madaboutpurple · 29/06/2025 21:14

That must have been terrible to be given that information. I would imagine you will actually be numb. I hope you have friends and family that can support you. In time I hope you meet a wonderful man that deserves your love. That is one very tricky situation to be in. I don't use emojis but I would like to send you a virtual bouquet of flowers. I really don't know how you are coping and i have to say I am sure you do not need stupid comments from some posters. Anyone would be devastated about that situation, I really do send you my best wishes.

I may be wrong but I get the feeling that the stupid comments may be from people who are jealous that OP receives disability money.

There's a lot of bitterness about disability benefits just now for some reason and it might have been better if OP hadn't mentioned it.

Sad, but that's the way things seem to be....

Witchling · 29/06/2025 22:18

Petitchat · 29/06/2025 21:26

I may be wrong but I get the feeling that the stupid comments may be from people who are jealous that OP receives disability money.

There's a lot of bitterness about disability benefits just now for some reason and it might have been better if OP hadn't mentioned it.

Sad, but that's the way things seem to be....

jealous that OP receives disability money

Yes, I'm totally jealous of the pittance the government gives people who are on disability benefits and in no way grateful that I dont need them.

Witchling · 29/06/2025 22:18

Petitchat · 29/06/2025 21:00

Good bit of empathy there.

Very apt username too..

Thanks 😊

SunflowerTed · 29/06/2025 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This.

MeTooOverHere · 30/06/2025 03:58

Boredandbitter · 29/06/2025 17:09

27 years married. After six months of checking pockets, snooping in drawers and turning up where DH "should" be and him not being there, one morning, he left his phone open on the chat with his AP. I read it, felt sick and a couple of weeks later, I confronted him about it. He admitted it, told me that it had been going on for just over a year, that he never went looking for it and that he just slipped into it; it just happened.
I left for a week to lick my wounds. When I returned, he told me that he would not give her up as she was a good friend and that maybe we could stay married but him keep her friendship. I refused this offer and began divorce proceedings.
We had to remain in the same house as only his wage coming in due to my chronic health condition. He carried on seeing her a few nights a week and at weekends. He refused to tell me anything; where they met, what she did, was she married, what she did, did he love her (answered I don't think so). He was taking money out of our bank account every Friday for their date night.
I started stashing my disability money rather than using it to pay bills and he didn't notice so I built up a few hundred quid. I employed a PI to put a tracker on his car. The PI followed them to a doer upper that we jointly own. They were in there for two and a half hours. So I now knew where they went to be together.Then I got the PI to dig deeper on the AP. The PI rang me " are you sitting down?"
Me "yes, why?"
"Your Husbands girlfriend is a TRANSGENDER SEX WORKER. "
Me "are you sure?"
They sent photos.
OMFG
They are still together. I turn 60 tomorrow.
We are not divorced yet because he spends all his time taking her on days out and shopping together.
Jesus Shitting Christ. Might write a book one day.

So he's not keen on divorcing then? Ask him why not.
Seems you have 2 options - go ahead with the divorce and a new life and all that entails, OR bit the bullet, cancel the divorce and lead separate lives under one roof.

You would benefit from his money that way. Other way, you'd have to strike out on your own. Given you have chronic health and don't think you can work, that may be your better option. Continue to live in the house and benefit from apparently being married (as he does now) with all the economic perks, and just ignore him and let him live his life. It wouldn't suit me but it might be an option for you.

madaboutpurple · 30/06/2025 08:12

Hi there OP, I was just wondering would you be able to move into your other property. If so you could start to build a life of your own and be able to leave that way. I cannot even start to think about how you felt when the PI gave you the information.

madaboutpurple · 30/06/2025 08:16

Hi, I forgot to say that you mentioned your birthday is approaching. I hope you have friends you can see and enjoy the day with them. I would think celebrating could be tricky but I hope you enjoy your birthday even so.

HÆLTHEPAIN · 30/06/2025 10:13

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Petitchat · 30/06/2025 15:17

Hi OP,
Probably not the best time to say this but Happy Birthday.

How are you feeling today?
The shitty replies have been removed so
hopefully that helps?

Keep your chin up and make plans as soon as you feel able x