I phoned the police on my 20 year old son last night

[Totallybannanas]

Up until the age of 16 he was always well behaved. Following lock down he refused to go back to school and when he did go he was deliberately naughty to get sent to reflection. This then spiralled into drug taking, mainly weed and THC. This went on for a few years. It then got worse with vaping THC, he lost his job and I threw him out and he stayed with my mum, still taking drugs etc. He eventually came home and I threw him out again this time he slept in my porch. This seemed to be the wake up call and he eventually got help from the GP, counselling and social prescriber. After a year I managed to get him a good job which he has held down for 6 months. My dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, 8 weeks ago. My son is very close to him. This has now led him to drinking and probably taking some drugs again every pay day until his money runs out. He gets paid weekly. He has not made it to work on some days and I'm amazed he hasn't been fired yet. Probably, will now. I messaged his yesterday he hasn't paid rent in 2 weeks, he's pissing it up and then struggling to get to work. He says he has paid. I said he needs to pay in time or look for somewhere else. He came home late last night, being verbally aggressive and threatening dh. He then pulled my door off it's hinges and I called the police. The police wanted to arrest him, but I asked them not to as he had work today. They removed him as that was the condition. He has no friends he can stay with, no money for a hotel so he is back with my mum. I don't want him staying there. It's too much and my mum also has health conditions. He didn't go to work so now I wish I had him arrested. I've been caring for my dad, on sick from work so I am very stressed as it is. I went back on a phased return which hasn't been great with everything going on. I knew he was spiraling and have tried talking to him. I'm so mentally and emotionally burnt out. My dad is currently in a hospice for respite and I can't even face dealing with him now. He has been experiencing agitation (maybe the cancer or steroids) and he has been horrible to be around. I want it all over and my son to move out. But now he has probably lost his job. He has no real friends.

Can you communicate with him at all? Did anything happen that triggered his aggression? It sounds like he's self medicating and has emotional dysregulation.

He needs support as he's obviously struggling. Is there anyone he listens to? You can contact Family Lives, Young Minds and Frank for advice.

I think he had been drinking and police feel he may have took something. We had dispute via text has he was convinced he had paid me but he hasn't. He got laid Thursday and has £26 in his bank account. I text him to remind him and and said he needs to start paying or look for somewhere else to live. He then came home and said I was making threats.

He was shouting and screaming in my face, dh stepped in. He has DLD which is a form of neuro divergence not sure if he also has others disorders that haven't been picked up.

Well you were making threats and have thrown him out repeatedly in the past so it’s a bit disingenuous not to just own that.
I feel sorry for him to be honest, obviously it’s not okay for him to get aggressive, but your parenting style sounds pretty heavy handed

There’s a great organisation called CAPA first response who could help you improve the dynamics

PS I am sorry about your dad, clearly you are in a very stressful situation. I really think of some additional support from an organisation like that would make a big difference.

He's staying at your Mum's? Your Mum being an old woman on her own, right? Does he tend to behave himself when he's there? Because if not you need to take steps to get him out of there, surely?!

Explaining people the consequences of their actions is not threatening them. He has an obligation to pay rent and bring forces to move out is a natural consequence of not paying rent!

I threw him out last time because of drugs and he was using in my house. I gave him consequences to make him realise, if you don't pay rent then you have to find somewhere else to live. I sent him rooms available, and prices close to work to a. Make think ok I will move out or b. Ok, shit that's a lot of money and it's cheaper at home.

I am incredibly stressed. And his behaviour is causing me even more stress. As soon as he is paid he is out all night drinking, even if he has work then next day. This puts stress on my tongue try and get him up. On some occasions I haven't been able to. I can't stop him going out and I have spoke to him and tried to advise him but he fails to listen. It's likes he is self destructing.

Hi, I'm in the exact situation with my son and I'm finding it incredibly difficult to live with. It started after lockdown, then the isolations at school and weed/thc, didn't do his exams, dropped outta college, is 18 now- no job, no education, nowhere to go and live, grandfather died this year and he was so very close to him. I admire you for asking him to leave and putting in your boundaries so well, I've not followed through on the making him leave yet but I'm getting nearer to it.
My son steals my money and visa card, sleeps in his clothes and is in and out all day and night stinking of weed. Do you have any younger siblings in the house?
My son took the door off too! I never replaced it and he now has a curtain instead.
He told me he doesn't care if he lives or dies and I believe him, I've got him help from every service going but he won't engage.
I think we have addicted sons and have to wait for their rock bottoms.
It's breaking my heart and I've been off sick a lot too.
You are doing good, x

Why are you inflicting him on your own Mum if he’s so bad?

He's choosing to go there. Nan can ask him to leave.
He can present at the housing office or pay for a room that his mum sent him.