How do I navigate this - husbands secret messages

[GlosCat73]

I posted on a different thread a few weeks ago that I suspected DH was messaging another woman. Last week I finally plucked up courage to confront him after the previous evening where he opened his phone 15 separate times during 2 episodes of a programme we had chosen to watch together and was clearly typing messages and smiling.
Apologies for a long message. I need to get it out and would appreciate any help on how the hell i navigate from here!
I was calm and expressed concern about our relationship and asked if he had anything to tell me. He said no. He claimed he messaged his work team in a group chat but no-one else. I asked again if he wanted to tell me anything and he said no and got quite cocky about why I was asking.
I asked for transparency, said my instincts felt something was off and to help me trust him and for the sake of transparency would he show me his messages, to reassure me. He fumbled with his phone, claiming it was switched off, then handed it to me. Unsurprisingly the other person was nowhere to be found on the list of messages. He had literally deleted her whole thread with him. I asked where she was on his list and was told he didnt message her so she wouldnt be there.
At that point i told him he ws lying and I started quoting the messages i had seen. Ive never seen blood drain faster from a human. He fumbled, made conflicting claims about it all then confessed that it was non reciprocal messaging, that he had been stupid, she wasnt interested, he felt bad about his appearance, he had been caught in a fantasy...blah blah blah.
I reminded him his last message to her was asking to meet for a walk while i am away next weekend and at no point had she asked him to stop messaging or said the messages were inappropriate. Didnt seem like a fantasy to me.
We have adult children, 1 still at home. I feel desperately disappointed for them and what is about to happen. I dont feel i can trust him again but am determined to make this as easy on us both as possible, we both have issues with our parents and really could have done without this. Ive no idea what to do next. I need time but my children arent stupid and will know something is happening. I think Im going to have to tell them. What the heck do I say?!

You don’t say how last night’s conversation ended?

What did he say? Have you asked him to leave

Firstly you don't have to tell the children anything until you've made a decision

Have you made a decision? If so it seems very fast

Have you considered couples counselling?

Sorry, youre right! I told him i would take some time to think things through and that we would have to co-habit whilst i do that. I dont want to rush into a decision, especilly when my heart was going 101 beats a second (despite appearing to stay calm). But realistically i deserve better than this and i think i am buying time to line everything up. The trust is gone. This isnt the first time this has happened

His messaging has been going on for months, and ive suspected it as long. I was just in denial i think. I dont want to rush into a decision for sure. But equally this isnt a new revelation, just confirmation of what ive suspected for a long time. With the added blow of him lying and deceiving when given the chance to talk about us.

I see. I'm so sorry that he's a twat.

I still wouldn't say anything to the children until YOU have made a decision

Are you going to see a solicitor to work out what you can do financially?

Sending you love ❤️

Classic example of denial until proven otherwise. I’m so sorry he wasn’t honest with you from the get go.. sadly it’s all too common. Think about how you would like to move forward, can you live with this betrayal? Heal and forgive him? If not it’s time to ask him to leave. I speak from experience and spent far too many years trying to fix a broken relationship-not my doing. It mentally broke me, I eventually left and now almost 3 years on I’m a much better person. I won’t lie it’s been hard work and a lot of pain but once you start to heal the world is a better place. I took the children with me and their resilience was amazingly strong, my only regret is we didn’t leave sooner!

If he has history of this and he lied when you asked for transparency then I agree with you that the trust has gone. I would proceed with separation with a view to divorce.

If he somehow finds the drive to save the relationship and comes up with ways to prove he can change and is truly remorseful then you can reconsider but don’t accept this version of him. I think you know deep down he’s not capable of that type of change.

It’s sad for you all as it sounds like she’s probably using him as an ego boost. He has blown your lives up for nothing. Problem is —his actions aren’t nothing.

His desperate messages would give me the major ick. Just think about them every time he tries to get you to reconsider.

Thankyou. I guess i need to speak to a solicitor. He has just appeared in my room.to say he is going out for the day to give me space. However he has also reached ou to our children to.tell.them already. I am so angry about that. I dont want them dragged into it at this stage, but now its too late.

Thankyou so much for this. It gives me hope. I hope you are ok.

Thankyou. Yes the ick factor was of the scale. His messages were so desperate and sad as qell.as inappropriate.

I've just looked at your other thread OP.

He is clearly besotted with this woman.

I'm sorry but he hasn't given you any option but to seek legal advice and go ahead with divorce

He’s messaged the adult children to gain sympathy and for you to back down, he will speak to them tearfully so they get in touch and berate you.

Jesus fucking Christ. He's a cunt. Absolutely get rid of him. ASAP. What a VILE man.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Obviously talk to the children, once CuntTwat has gone out. I'd also take some time to gather financial and identity paperwork, his and yours, and the children's passports, whilst he's away from the house. Take photos /scan the relevant documents

Sending more love ❤️

Yes possibly. Will be interesting to see how that pans out. I think it shows his lack of emotional intelligence. They all have their own stuff going on and if i had had my way i would have liked us to sit down together with them at the right time forbthem, not just him. I feel like ive been forced into being more vulnerable than i am ready to be right now. I guess all i can do is reassure them and ask them to give me time before talking too.

Yes, thankyou this is a good idea.

You know if OW gave any indication she wanted him, he would be off, without a backwards glance or remorse.
Any begging for forgiveness he shows or tells the adult children to pass onto you, is just manipulation, because he doesn’t want to leave his life with you until he has an option to leave.
You know this deep down and if you decide to stay with him, to rebuild your relationship with him, it will be you doing all the work, waiting for the inevitable. It will be soul destroying, your MH that will end up in tatters, feeling second best, whilst he will carry on messaging her, behind your back.
He wants to leave you but too scared to do it alone, he wants another relationship first to make it easier for him to walk away from you.

So the house has enough space for you to “co habit” ?

how old are your children?

He’s told them? In that case, get off mumsnet and make you priority seeing them today to speak with them

I would contact the kids, apologise to them for his behaviour in dragging them in and trying to manipulate them at this stage and give your own, factual and non emotive views so they know where it stands.
Then I would contact a solicitor at the earliest opportunity to find out where I stood re monies and practical aspects of splitting. Only then can you weigh things up
properly.
For me the trust would be gone at this point but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the end-it’s rarely as easy as that.
I would be bloody furious though.
where has he gone for the day anyway? Even that would piss me off I think. Unless you’d told him to do one, he shouldn’t just be running away for the day because he can’t face a difficult conversation.

Classic example of trying to get in their first with the children, to give them his narrative. Unfortunately, you can't undo what he's done. I would see/speak to your children and apologise for the fact their Dad has told them, because at this stage you didn't want them dragged into a situation that is still up in the air. Give them the facts - Dad has done xyz, it's not the first time, he's lied repeatedly even though he was given the opportunity to be honest. Try hard not to bad mouth your husband to your children. Use the opportunity of your husband being out to find financial documents and research local solicitors. Call on Monday, and arrange an appointment asap. It will give you a better understanding of where you stand legally and what you'll be entitled too. Now is the time to be calm and practical...further down the line you can fall apart but right now you need to be focused on what's best for you. Remember your husband is no longer on your team, he doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Thanks everyone.

Have they not been in contact with you Op??

Surely the first thing you would do upon hearing he’s told them… is call them?