DH cuts me off and doesn’t actually speak when he thinks he does

[Tirrrrredd]

I’m having this problem where I’ll be speaking, and get to the end of a clause (sometimes not even the end of a sentence) and DH will butt in and respond to it when I wasn’t finished speaking yet. It’s frustrating to me because often the latter half of my thought would either have answered the question he responds with, or was important for context, and I have to stop, explain that he cut me off, and remember what it is I was originally trying to say (which can be difficult because I have ADHD.)

DH tells me that I “pause” like I’m done speaking, but I’m fairly certain I don’t? Other than the normal amount someone would pause after a complete sentence or between clauses (think comma and period length pauses, not like, stopped speaking and looked over at him and otherwise indicating that I’m done speaking and waiting for his response.) I feel like he is just not listening particularly well, and blaming it on me.

He’ll also hear what I say to him, not verbally respond, and when I prompt him to verbally respond, he insists that he did and that I just “didn’t hear it.” This is also a problem when he “reminds” me of something he supposedly told me earlier, and I have zero recollection of it. When I gently suggest to him that maybe he only thought he told me, but didn’t actually verbalize it, he accuses me of gaslighting him. The worst part of it is I’m never sure whether it’s me forgetting what he said completely because of the ADHD (sometimes he can give me specific circumstances that jog my memory) or if he just never said the thing in question in the first place.

What do I do about this? I’m at a loss

That is tricky. My first thought was that your DP either has some kind of language processing difference or that he is gaslighting the fuck out of you, not the other way around, for some reason, and cynically taking advantage of your diagnosisof ADHD. The scenarios you describe sound like my ND DP who definitely has difficulties processing language and communicating clearly. I especially empathise with the being cut off mid-sentence and DP missing significant details or context -so frustrating.

OP, wishing you the very best. He really ought not behave like this.

I am used to men trying to talk over me. I keep speaking til I have finished my sentence, slightly louder if needed. Give him no quarter, and stop questioning yourself, this is a him problem.

My DH cuts me off and talks over me.

I shout "I'm not finished", or "I'm still speaking", or "Oh, what's happening, you're talking over me"!

His whole family do it, I find it absolutely horrendous. His mum will ask me a question, and then when I'm halfway through a sentence answering it, she'll cut me off and talk about something else (herself, usually!)

I'm afraid Women do use a lot of superfluous words and often take an eternity to get to the point. It can be excruciating for men to sit through it.

So nothing to worry about, it's just a normal frustration between couples communicating, you'll both have to get used to it, it's not going away, it's in your natures.

I don't use superfluous words. It's quite the opposite in our house. DH uses 1000 words when 10 would have done.

I’ll try to be more concise when speaking to them, then.

Quicker to say: "I’ll try to be more concise with them."

😁

The “then” is to indicate that my plan is a result of what you told me. I wouldn’t do it otherwise. Maybe I should have specified “speaking to men” as “…concise with them” can be misunderstood to mean “more concise [with words].”

Or perhaps just dick?

Wanker is also a good one.

Prick also a good one

🤣🤣🤣🫣

wtf are you on? Sexist much?

In my experience the people who bore on and on and think everyone needs to hear what they’ve got to say are just as likely to be men.

What are you doing on this site anyway?

Also maybe we wouldn’t feel the need to use more words if men paid better attention to the meaning?

I grew up with a SF who twisted everything I said IOT intentionally frustrate and manipulate me; being understood is consequently very important to me.

My dh does the pausing thing when speaking and I'm aware he does it so because I'm not a twat and I am actually listening i wait for him to finish.
He has mild cognitive impairment and also reads really slowly i just make allowances. It's what you do if you love someone.
My main fault is telling someone the same thing more than once my family just laugh and tell me they know now.

It’s obviously difficult to comment if we’ve not had a conversation with you ourselves but I have a family member who pauses after sentences, just long enough for you to think it’s your natural turn to speak, then I speak and it turns out they weren’t finished after all. Is it only your DH it happens with or others too? If it’s others then your pauses might be long?

The other part does sound like he’s reminding you about things he thinks he’s said but were in his head.

The solution to this problem is to use the structure: Send - Mirror - Check - Pull.

The Sender hands the receiver the Accelerator pedal on their mouth. The Receiver therefore has to slow the sender down when there are too many words (or it is too "eloquent ".)

More on this technique here:

Goals of Talking

Do you talk too much or too fast?

Also, this is a excellent podcast on the subject. Very helpful

Podcast on Mirroring

DH moans that I do this to him but by God he goes all round the wrekin to tell me something usually quite tedious. I feel like he talks a lot and at me rather than to me, could you be like this OP?

There is no absolute 100% agreed, universal, to meaning of any given word. Each person defines their own meaning as they use them. So part of communication is to ask someone "what do YOU mean by that word." The key is to stop making assumptions.

Could he have ADHD too? Interrupting is something ADHD people sometimes do. Also ND people often get on well with other ND people because they have a similar way of thinking, so does he have any other signs or traits? Not saying he does have it but worth thinking about.

I've read before that men actually talk more than women and less effectively, which doesn't surprise me.

Get a family calendar on Google and make sure you stick to that only so he can't turn around and say he told you last week he was going to xyz.

I tend to find that men listen to part of what you say, the beginning, then fill in the rest because they're entitled and don't like listening to any woman, ever.

My DH does this to me too. No idea what the answer is, but it gives me the RAGE.