Give it to me straight - does my husband no longer love me?

[Acoffeeaday]

Since having our third child I feel like my marriage is hanging on by a thread.

I’d like to think I’m a positive person but I’m now wondering if I have PND or just marital issues…

I cry almost every day from perceived criticism from my husband. I try my best but feel like I’m a bad mum. Or at least I feel he thinks I am. Examples of what I’m criticised on:

• wearing a dressing gown around the house
• using my phone around the kids (even if it’s to reply to my mat leave mums group - who I’m barely getting to meet with because I come home and he resents me going out while he’s having to look after our toddlers)
• wanting to shower at certain times
• taking too long getting ready or not making an effort getting ready
• baking instead of cleaning the house in free time
• being too open with the things I say in conversations with friends at meet ups
• if I wear a vest top which “shows my now bigger boobs” (but by no means big) from breastfeeding out in public
• chatting at a party with some of my childhood guy friends, insinuating I was flirting
• not letting me cook dinner because it gives him a break and he can watch a show while doing it
• Letting my toddlers watch a bit of TV so I can do some things round the house or get a break
• saying he can’t look after all the kids at once and then gaslighting me in situations where I’m struggling with the childcare

the list goes on. We have big fall outs, I usually end up crying and he says things will change and then a new day starts and it’s like he can’t help but criticise me some more.

We don’t have grandparent support so it’s hard to spend time reconnecting and we are both very sleep deprived. Any spare time we have he prioritises the gym. He still wants to be physical but to me it feels transactional because there’s no sense of love throughout the day. He does look after our toddlers and do more than his share of cleaning and tidying but I feel like he resents me for it…or tells me that’s how he’s showing his love.

not sure what I’m asking here really, does anyone have any advice for moving past this?

Sadly things won't change, no matter how many times you try the same argument happens. He seems like he's trying to control you. I'm in something similar & I've been advised to leave. I understand it may be tricky for you with kids but I've been told Women's Aid are the go to & can offer advice on how you can go about it. You shouldn't be crying everyday, you deserve better.

Worst case he's got his eye on a perfect woman/ having an affair he wants to break you so you ask for the divorce and are the 'bad' person.
The he will walz off, be a Disney dad and magically find another woman within weeks.
He will take as much money as humanly possible, leaving you struggling emotionally & financially all the time saying bad wife.
X

I take coming on here you dont want advice about how to split.

You may just want validation, in which case I will say : how you feel is totally valid, he is not giving you what you need right now and you sound exhausted and in need of a good hug !

In case you did want advice I would focus on this point:

He does look after our toddlers and do more than his share of cleaning and tidying but I feel like he resents me for it…or tells me that’s how he’s showing his love.

If this is not a way you can receive or feel love, please be explicit with him about that. You could tell him for example:

" I would prefer instead of you spending time and energy in the kitchen cleaning you spent those minutes holding my hand or hugging me or writing me an encouraging letter about what a great mum I am.

If you feel you cant do this, please get some rest yourself, and come back refreshed to do one of these things "

You need to also find out what fills his love bank and focus your efforts there.

Can we offer her some support before we tell her to LTB? I mean I don’t disagree with the advice but she is on maternity leave and sounds quite ground down.

OP: start by putting your oxygen mask on.

Tell him: no more personal comments or criticism. If he can’t say something loving and complementary he can keep his mouth shut.

Two: arrange for more rather than less time with friends.

Make a point of showering and dressing (get out of the dressing gown phase not for his sake but yours as it is making you feel vulnerable and weak).

Three: go to the GPand discuss PND if you think they will be supportive but your DH’s behavior is so bad that dealing with that makes more sense than pathologizing your response to it of medicating your way out if it.

Last: take CARE of yourself. Keep up your friendships. Keep up your work contacts. Don’t let yourself be isolated by him.

Absolutely. Criticism needs to go. If you are doing any yourself, eliminate that too. Criticism has its roots in HIM by the way. You are just providing a trigger for his Hidden Fears. It is nothing to do with your actions being "wrong". Take the focus off that list of what he is Criticising and get the focus back on : a) caring for yourself (including calling it out, then getting away from him when he criticses you!) and longer term : b) gently figuring the roots of his hidden fears. But for b) a counsellor would be advised.

Easier said than done but it is possible.