Partner shows very little interest in us

[Futuremrsdyer]

So I've been with my partner for 22 years and we have 2 children, 16 & 8. So he travels into Manchester everyday for work, he leaves early and comes back late meaning that I've done all the childcare, school runs etc as well as working 30hrs a week as a physiotherapist. He basically shows very little interest in any of us ie doesn’t ask how our days have been, doesn’t show any interest in trying to book our 1st family holiday abroad. I literally organise everything! Yesterday I had a hospital appointment & had to take the kids with me because I had no one too keep an eye on them (both are autistic) as my partner was out late on a night out in Manchester. The only time he really shows any interest is when is family are around or he wants sex. I love him but I think a lot of this is nostalgia. Separation doesn’t feel like an option as I couldn't afford the mortgage & bills alone. Just for context he does struggle with his mental health which I try to support but it's hard supporting everyone. Has anyone else been in a similar situation & came out the other side?

He prioritised a night out with friends/ colleagues instead of stepping up to parent his children?

He sounds as though he has checked out of your relationship and family life OP.

.Perhaps you should be having a proper look at how you would manage financially if you separated OP.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.
What is in this still for you?.

What is there to love about such a man exactly?. I’d be taking the rose tinted specs off now.

I would not stay with such a person out of habit or for the supposed sake of the children. Honestly what is the point of you and he being together at all now ?.

He seems to have well and truly checked out of your relationship and is only around as some sort of a performative parent when family show up. He seems to want the single man life and will use MH issues (is he diagnosed?) readily as some sort of get out clause. When have you ever had a night off from parenting?. The man is taking you for a right fool.

And what about your MH?. That’s likely taken a battering over the years primarily because of him. You have two children, you do not need a man child as well.

He's diagnosed with depression & is on medication for it although I'm not sure it's anywhere near as effective as it once was. When I try to talk to him he just seems so un interested & kinda blanks me. This weekend for some reason he's barely spoken to any if us & when I say this to him his answer is well you haven't spoken to me either! However my argument is he can ignore me & dislike me all he wants but not to our children.

No - he cannot ignore you and dislike you all he wants.
I'd be having a jolly good think about what I want for my life - what makes you happy, do you have other interests outside of the marriage and family life, do you have friends and family to talk to - where do you see yourself ten years from now - questions such as this can help you to look at what you want - he appears to be doing what he wants and then you and the kids slot in to his schedule.

If the kids were older would you still want to be in this situation or if you had infinite finances would you be gone?

One life! That's all we get. Children adapt and parents can be better and happier people apart. As for finances - we always seem to manage when we don't think we will.

Unfortunately I've lost a lot of friends over the years due to me always putting the family 1st. I have a couple of friends but most are just colleagues or school mum's. I've really lost myself over the years and at 48 with very little time I feel like I can't really get that back. I acknowledge this is what my life is now however I feel that it's a rubbish environment for our children to be in .

Has your husband always been like this? Is it something that's happened gradually over time? Has he spent time with you all in the past? I do agree with others, he's more or less checked out of your relationship and family life.

Why does his depression only affect his family life?

How does he find the oomph for nights out? Is he actively ignoring the people he's out with?

Watching you take the children to a hospital appointment because he fancied a night out is not a mental health issue. It's plain selfishness and arseholery.

You're in a vulnerable spot, being unmarried and unable to afford the mortgage by yourself.
You should focus on getting financial security and building up your hobbies and friendships. Your one and only life has been stifled long enough.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

No he's not always been like this but I'd say the last 2/3 years have been very difficult for me. He's very good at putting on a performance for others. In all honesty I've barely spoken to him for the past week...I just can't be bothered anymore. If money was no object I'm sure we'd both call it a day. I understand how precarious my position is but it's virtually impossible for me to financially support myself. I was ideally reaching out to see if anyone else had been in the same position & was able to separate amicably but live together?