Am I wrong for thinking it’s to early for kids to me ex new partner

[shybee223]

hi all,

I was with my ex partner for 18 years and he cheated on me with his now partner who’s he’s been seeing for 6 months they have now moved in together and he wants the kids to stay, I’m still very much hurt by it all he left end of January but had still been playing games telling me he loves me etc ..am I being selfish by saying I don’t want them around this woman I spoke to her briefly once and she seems nice but feel like I’m not ready and also feel like it’s to early for the children my youngest is 4 and I feel like it’s all too confusing for the children also, but now he lives with her I feel like I have no choice ?

YANBU. People are far too keen to introduce their children (who are usually already still trying to come to terms with their parents splitting up) to new partners. And as the longevity of such new relationships is far from guaranteed, it just adds to the children's confusion and trauma.

Tricky, been there done that! Turned out the OW wasn't the slightest bit interested in my kids but as they lived together nothing I could do as I did want kids to have a good relationship with dad. Waste of time really as kids now can see what a waste of space he is and son doesn't give him the time of day. Dd just goes and gets put down! But they are both now old enough to make their own minds up. At least no one can accuse me of not facilitating.
Never worry about the kids not seeing you as no1. They always will.💛

Tricky, been there done that! Turned out the OW wasn't the slightest bit interested in my kids but as they lived together nothing I could do as I did want kids to have a good relationship with dad. Waste of time really as kids now can see what a waste of space he is and son doesn't give him the time of day. Dd just goes and gets put down! But they are both now old enough to make their own minds up. At least no one can accuse me of not facilitating.
Never worry about the kids not seeing you as no1. They always will.💛

Ypu have every right to feel the way you do. It's a horrible situation. And I feel for you. However, there is very little you can do about it if your ex has parental responsibility. Legally he can introduce the dc to anyone he wishes. Morally..you'd hope he had more sense.

He’s an idiot to introduce a new partner so soon.

I read somewhere that it should be at least a year after separation. The thought behind it being that the children should have had long enough to adjust to this separation AND the new relationship should be suitably established. As this man has been playing you both post d-day I’d argue there’s no way his new shiny relationship is stable enough.

I’d push back. Say that separation is considered an ACE (adverse childhood experience) and that they need time to adjust to their new normal. That it’s important to take a breath. If he kicks back point him in the direction of research on ACE.

So tired of selfish adults!

Appeal to any sense of decency he has left.

Honestly op I do get it, I really do. But ultimately although you can put your point across and stress the needs of the children, you can't actually dictate what he does unless you can prove harm to the children or abuse etc. I've been there, and done it. I waited over 2 years to move my partner in, and over 1 year before he even met my child, whereas the same can't be said for my ex which was less than 6 month's from meeting to moving in with his girlfriend. But I have had to accept that I can't control these things, I can only control what happens in my time with my child. It's shit, but once you accept you have to let go of some of that control you may feel more at peace and just focus on giving as much stability to your children as you can.