Not sure what to do about relationship problem

[Stoppedlurking4this]

Basically DH has had periods of poor mental health and is on a cocktail of anti depressants which I think he's taking, but I'm not sure. He hasn't worked consistently for the past year. He is currently working very part time but seems to not be able to cope with it and seems depressed about it.
The thing is, I feel we've both checked out of the relationship. We have 2 kids. One is about to go into Yr 11 and one into Yr 13, so it's bloody busy with exam prep, revision, university etc, plus I have a full time job, am paying all the bills and paying for the kids stuff, taking them on trips, taking DC1 to open days etc. I have client him a couple of job applications and suggested he go back to the doctors or self refer for cbt or therapy but I feel this is just me telling him to do stuff when he's not doing it. We hardly talk, we sleep in separate rooms because of his snoring, we don't have sex. I'm just fed up and burnt out by it. I'm also angry. I've decided that as I have sent him jobs to apply for and suggested the cbt I've done all I can, and the rest is up to him. I don't even know if what I did is too much. I spoke to Mind who said that as an adult it's up to him to access treatment if he wants. But am I right to just disengage and not suggest anything more? I was thinking I might suggest we go to couples counselling but that would be another thing I'm suggesting when he's not doing anything, and I don't know whether to just leave him to it until he decides to do something. The thing is, I am almost certain I don't want to be married long term. I just don't want to disrupt my kids education at a crucial time.

Your children’s along with your home life are not stable.

They and you need a calm and safe environment also because this is not conducive to study. Be brave and seek legal advice re divorce.

I imagine there’s a strong chance they are finding his apathy difficult when they are trying to conduct teenager lives. Have you had any insight into what they think of your current situation? They might be relieved to see the back of him.

The thing that also stops me is that I can divorce him but my kids can't. But I don't know if marriage is making him worse. I will likely do it but I'm not sure what to do in the very short term about his mental health, if anything.

You are NOT responsible for your H. His MH is his sole responsibility. Your own responsibility is to you and in turn your children. They likely wonder why you are still with him.

It's up to your children whether they still want to see their father and they can make their own decisions re him. Home life seems to be intolerable for you and your children and again it's not condusive to be able to study.

They likely know far more about the parlous state of your marriage than either of you realise. They certainly know that you sleep separately and hardly talk to each other. They pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between you and he.

Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be showing them?. If someone else wrote your initial post how would you answer it?.

Yes that is possible. We haven't spoken about it at all. Maybe the first step is to raise it with him otherwise neither of us knows what the other one is thinking

First thing - forget about counselling! Absolutely no point unless you both want to, and are able to engage with it. Even if he wants to, it sounds like he’s unable to.
Next, it really is up to him to get help, change. You can’t do it for him, so don’t beat yourself up trying.
And like you said, you’ve checked out already. He’s emotionally, romantically, practically, kind of irrelevant to you right now. Probably to the kids as well?
You’re staying out of pity, compassion. Fear of guilt if he goes downhill post separation. Normally I’d say that if you have decided to go, the best time is now, as soon as it’s practical to do it: But you’re not a heartless person, you don’t want to hurt him so if you decided to carry on for a little while to see if he can pull himself up enough to get by, I could understand that. Maybe planning for 12 months time with exams out of the way is best for the kids, if you can last that long without burning out. You’ll know best how they are likely to react.

Thanks. Yes I think I would need to put some plans in place anyway. I agree that there's no point in counselling if he can't engage but it just seems weird to say someone needs to make the decision themselves to get better when they are unable to make decisions because of mental illness but then on the other hand what can anyone else do about it? Mind are the experts and they say the same thing so it must be. It's hard when you have no clue what's going on innsomeones head but me having mental health problems as a result of this situation isn't going to help anyone. I think really the only choice I is have a conversation and say I don't think any of this is helping anyone and maybe give him some time to pull it together before calling it a day.

50% of the time in a calm and stable home is better for children than 100% of time in a chaotic and miserable one.

I know I'm thinking more of the short/medium term disruption that will come right at the shittiest time.

I split from my husband when our DD was 15...I don't think there is ever a good time to split so you just have to make the break.

My husband also suffered with severe mental health problems which controlled our lives. He had numerous emotional affairs, spent money like water and ran up so much debt....what kept me there was the worry he would kill himself if I left as he had threatened over the years.

In the end I reached a point where I realised that if he took his own life that was his decision and nothing to do with me and then eventually something happened and I told him our marriage was over, he didn't believe me so I got legal advice to get him out of my house.
Eventually he realised I was serious and found a house to rent that I put down the deposit for.

After about a year he realised we were over and I hadnt asked him to move out just to prove a point and his mental health took a dive and he ended up sectioned.

Once he was out his mental health was still not good and he attempted to take his life a few times but each time he survived and called for help.
I was and still am so angry about his behaviour....he didn't want to die really, he wanted help but didn't know how to ask for it because over the years he expected me to hand hold and manage his mental health.

I don't have any guilt about him or his life. He chose his path and if he had taken his life that was his decision.
He's still out there making mad decisions that impact our DD but she can see right through him now.

I hope you are able to speak to your husband.

@SortingItOut thanks for your story. That resonates. Was your DD ok about it?
We did have a discussion about him seeking help ( the only thing is I get pissed off too much when he goes on all the time so end up sounding irritated, which I am, so I have to step away) . I have disengaged and stopped asking him to do stuff and he's actually done more as a result. I've seen him looking on the NHS website for example. I'll see what he does as a result of his research. He was already sectioned last year, but there seems to be bugger all follow up or therapy in place for when he came out apart from repeat prescriptions of meds . He spoke to his mum on the phone, and I think she picked something up too and she doesn't live with us, so its likely the kids have noticed.

Pour all the energy and care you’ve been trying to give to him into yourself and your kids.

You’ve been doing such a good job of holding everything together. Some days it must feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. It’s not fair on you. He’s not your third child, not your responsibility.

You’ve tried hard enough. I’d recommend having a word with him. Tell him you can no longer manage everything by yourself & this is the last chance saloon. He has until August to find a job and if not there will need to be some serious changes. When it gets to August you will feel better knowing you’ve given him yet another chance but by then you’ll have your plan b. Stick to it and allow yourself some happiness.

Divorce can be a good thing. You can choose to do the whole thing with love & as little drama as possible for the children. It’s an unfortunate situation and nobody is to blame. It can’t go on though.

It’s ok to put yourself and your kids first. Take care. X

My DD was upset to start with but once I spoke with her (I didn't tell her the exact reason for our split at the time but years later she mentioned the reasons so she clearly knew all along)

DD stayed with her Dad Monday - Thursday as he moved closer to her school and I had her Friday - Sunday and visited every Wednesday evening and that worked well for years until his mental health took a dive and she was with me for months on end and didnt see him.

She loved having a bedroom at each house as she had different things in each.
Her friends were jealous and said they wished their parents would split so they could have 2 bedrooms!!
Teenagers are fickle!

The main plus point that my kids (I also have a son with a different father) talk about now is that the atmosphere in the house improved so much, no one was treading on egg shells,days out weren't ruined by moods and most of all he wasn't always asleep on the sofa or in bed.

I wish I was able to leave years ago but guilt and the worry my DD might want to live with her Dad stopped me but actually it all worked out OK in the end.

DD is a well rounded individual now although the emotional abuse that I was subject to for years has now transferred to DD but luckily she recognises it for what it is and is able to discuss it with me and is largely protected when she is away at Uni.

Happy to answer any questions if you have any.

@sortingitout most of all he wasn't always asleep on the sofa or in bed
OMG this drives me absolutely nuts! I'm glad it's not just me! I WFH largely too. Thank you.This does sound familiar!
@Theextraordinaryisintheordinary you are right. It can't go on. He is working but it's a zero hours contract which I have a feeling he's gearing up to giving up so yes, I think I just need to give him an ultimatum to get on with it and get counselling/ therapy.

I don't understand what's going on with your husband's care. You say he's on a 'cocktail' of medication. How come? If he's still depressed and barely able to function, his medication isn't working and he needs it reviewed.

Depression can make you very self absorbed and it can be debilitating. It's also extremely difficult for others to deal with and it sounds like you're burnt out.

He really needs to be on the right medication and taking steps to help himself with therapy, diet, exercise etc However it sounds like you're finished with the relationship. I would seek advice pending separation.

No neither do I! He was sectioned, put on 2 anti depressants, had a phased return home, was fine for months so was discharged from outpatient care ( with no follow up as far as I could see). He got a job but couldn't make any decisions in it, couldn't get the hang of it and resigned. I pushed for him to go back to the GP rather than just getting repeat prescriptions and they referred him to a job coach! Well if he can't cope with jobs making his CV better isn't going to help. He needs therapy but he needs to self refer, which at the moment he's not doing. Re the diet and exercise etc I'm fed up of suggesting he goes swimming/ cycling etc. I'm thinking of ringing his mum as she lives in the countryside and has a dog he could take for long walks, but she's 80 so I'm worried about just passing the problem onto her.
If I tell him to leave and he hasn't got a job what happens re paying for somewhere to live? He's on UC but doesn't get much because of my salary. If I chuck him out will he get housing benefit?

@Stoppedlurking4this

He may be able to be re referred back to the mental health team, which gives him access to more support. It sounds like he's lost his confidence and perhaps volunteering would be helpful.

He can use the Turn2us benefit calculator or contact them regarding financial support.

Ultimately it's up to him to find strategies that work. Hub of Hope may have local support groups.

Separate and have a breather.

Thank you. I'll look into Hub of Hope. I am going to call the mental health services and see if he can be re referred.