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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husbands double life

8 replies

ijustdontknowanymore80 · 28/06/2025 12:44

I recently found out through the discovery of an online album that my husbands been having an affair for nearly a year. The online album was a full nude sexy photoshoot of them together (weird I know), a quick search of his email found more naked posed photos of her from last year with the message “thank you”- he is - 44 year old father of 3. I threw him out and then find out that she was also married with a child. Further investigating I find out that she does not have primary care of her own child, has mental health issues and my husband had taken my youngest son on play dates with hers nearly 6 months ago. The past year he’s been telling me that I need to work on myself, didn’t buy any Christmas presents for the kids and has screamed at me in front of them and made me cry too many times. I’m just reeling from the deception and I don’t know how I can ever talk to the person I’ve been with for 16 years ever again. Any tips on how to make it easier for the kids? My main priority. And how am I going to deal with him? All he says is that he’s “sorry I found out this way”. He’s out of the house (I packed his bags when I found out), it’s only been two weeks and the kids don’t know yet- I’ve said he’s travelling for work but he has them at his parents this weekend. He made me refinance the house in January and I think he had this whole plan for him to make me feel so bad that I’d ask him to leave. He’d end up with an amicable split and I’d be nice about dividing assets. We had even had a fight the week before I found out about affair where I asked if there was someone else- he looked me in the eye and said no. I asked for us to do counselling and he said “let’s just keep talking” with a smirk on his face.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 28/06/2025 12:49

So sorry you are going through this

OchreRaven · 28/06/2025 12:56

Im so sorry @ijustdontknowanymore80 what an absolutely awful person he is.

If she is married then how come she does not have primary care of her child? Who does?

This is devastating but you know what you have to do. Focus on the split of assets and stability for your kids. How old are they?

He’s obviously been planning this a while so if you can afford it you may need a good lawyer and forensic accountant to check where the money is, especially if you refinanced recently.

You don’t need to worry about karma. I can already tell from what you have said about this woman that there will be no happy ending for him. Give him the freedom he wants to blow his life up. Not your problem anymore. This is a reflection of who he is — not you. Show yourself how strong you are and rebuild a life filled with peace and love. It will be far happier than the abuse filled one you having been living. Be thankful he did this, because if he hadn’t been having an affair you would have likely given more of your life to this abusive prick.

Lmnop22 · 28/06/2025 13:57

It’s so hard and I know because I’ve been exactly where you are, but every time you have to make a decision ask yourself, honestly, what is best for the children and do that.

If you hold onto resentment the only person who you hurt is you. If you try to punish him, you sink to his level (well not quite since he’s set the bar in hell but you know what I mean). Take the moral high ground, rise above it, look after the best interests of your children.

The ultimate revenge is to be happier without him.

ijustdontknowanymore80 · 28/06/2025 21:43

Her separated partner has most custody, she’s not able to work or take care of the kid. She’s 10 years younger than my husband. I think she met him, googled him (he runs a company) and saw her saviour. From then just went for it- and he’s just weak and entitled. My kids are 11,9 and 5. Great ages for max devastation 😔

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 28/06/2025 21:47

So sorry for you OP, but can’t offer any sensible advice. But do you have a patio that needs relaid, and a good shovel??

ijustdontknowanymore80 · 28/06/2025 22:00

And so worried about telling the kids. I’m assuming I have to do that with him there and I can’t even talk to him. They’re going to be angry with me when he actually did all of this and ruined us all. But I won’t he able to tell them that

OP posts:
HuskyNew · 28/06/2025 22:14

ijustdontknowanymore80 · 28/06/2025 22:00

And so worried about telling the kids. I’m assuming I have to do that with him there and I can’t even talk to him. They’re going to be angry with me when he actually did all of this and ruined us all. But I won’t he able to tell them that

You don’t have to lie for him, especially to the 11yo.

silentlyleavetheirlife · 28/06/2025 22:19

Just tell them mum and dad won’t live together any more and this does not affect how much they are loved.
They will have two bedrooms now 🫶

edited to say - I’m sorry you’re going through this x

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