Can you come back from The Ick?

[poppymango]

Just that really. I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, we have been planning a life together and hoping to have children. But recently I’ve been going off him in certain ways. I suppose you could call it “the ick”. I don’t want to start listing them, but it came on gradually, starting with little things, and then I realised today that I was quite excited to spend some time away from him. My friend also introduced me to her new boyfriend recently and I was so excited for her because he’s lovely and really gorgeous, and I’m looking at my bf and realising suddenly that I don’t fancy him so much. I dunno, he’s giving me old man vibes (even though he’s only 6 years older than me).

I’m he’s so brilliant in so many ways, and we have been so happy, so I’m damned if I’m going to give up just because of this, but I really want to know if this is just a rough patch on my part that we can come back from. People always talk about “the ick” in the context of it being the moment you realise you want out. But I don’t, I just want to get past it.

I’m hoping some space will help, but does anyone have any advice? Have you ever had this feeling and come back from it? I’m feeling a bit low today because of it. I’m not expecting the butterflies and honeymoon phase to last forever, but I don’t like this feeling.

No.
Once the Ick is here for me, it never leaves.

You might be better as just friends? Is it that you find him physically unattractive or is everything he does putting you off him? Either way why flog a dead horse? If you don’t fancy him now it’s doomed for married days and you’ll miss intimacy

No - once the ick starts creeping in it only ever goes one way

Have you ever found him very physically attractive? Or was a lack of spark something that you compromised on?

It’s not that I don’t fancy him at all, it’s just been a lot of little things over the past few weeks/months and because I’ve been spending so much time with him recently it’s sort of all I can see. I think it might be hormone related as well, I’m feeling low generally and easily irritated.

Sorry OP, it’s only going to get worse. Once you have The Ick, there’s no coming back from it.

I did yes, although the chemistry admittedly was never as strong as with one or two others in my life (although notably I never had proper relationships with those guys so who knows how I’d feel after two years of seeing their flaws).

I still think he’s attractive. Just not the way I used to.

How old are you? There can be quite a lot of difference between someone who's 30 and someone who's 24. One might be thinking of settling down and buying a house, but the other might still be connected to their late teens / very early 20s still.

I think people can get past it, but usually such feelings are related to the following things -

• A man being perceived as childlike in some way (that's why you get women saying they hate their man doing weird baby voices, drinking Vimto or Ribena, or feeling like they have to look after their partner as if they were an additional child.

• A man who is perceived to be like an old man, before their time. That's why women mention their disgust of little coin purses (😂).

• A loss of respect. Usually it's something to do with a lack of competence in something, lack of self-discipline, or unwillingness to take risks to stand up to people, a lack of intelligence, things like that.

Sounds like you're in the middle camp.

Also, not everyone wants to settle with Mr Sensible, Mr Calm or Mr Nice, especially if you're not that way yourself. It's socialised into some women that this is what they should want, but those qualities might not be sexually alluring to you. You also might not be ready to settle down yet, if you're young.

Also - and I realise this is childish and very silly - I saw pictures and videos this weekend of Daisy Lowe getting married. She looked so happy and so excited. And it just really contrasted with how low I was feeling. I don’t know. I just looked at the videos of her getting ready and there should be some butterflies, shouldn’t there? It’s not that I don’t love him, I do. But if he proposes I want to be over-the-moon-excited.

To be honest I think if it doesn’t get better then I might have to talk to him about it. I’m dreading that, but I want to save it if I can rather than just walk away.

I do think you can get past the ick - but only if THEY change the things that are icky.

No

what thing(s) have given you the Ick ?

Ick I think is sometimes permanent, other times they do something that demonstrates the complete opposite behaviour and you get a sort of anti-ick that helps.

Have you had other long term relationships? Could you try carving out more alone time so you can get some space and see if you miss him a bit? I don’t like anyone if I’m with them 24/7.

I’ve just turned 40 and he’s mid 40’s.

It’s the middle camp, but with a small dash of the first thing as well.

I can only speak from experience, but no, you can’t come back from it. How old are you both? I’ve always been attracted to slightly younger men as I feel young for my age, so 6 years is a big age gap for me. What do you mean by “old man vibes”? It sounds like what gives you the ick will get worse over time.

@bingobanjo the only other long term relationship I’ve had was a disaster. 10 years on and off, he was a sociopath and a liar and a cheat. Very emotionally manipulative. I was miserable throughout.

The longest relationship I had before that was only a year.

I really don’t know what a good relationship looks like after two years.

That’s a tricky age for women (I’m mid-30s so not far off), because we’re made to feel guilty for ‘throwing away’ a good relationship whenever we dare to have standards or listen to our needs. Yes, the dating pool is shallow at our age, but it doesn’t mean we have to settle and put up with unfulfilling relationships. I recently started dating someone new, and though it’s early stages still and could come crashing down, I am so pleased I am not settling for anything less than butterflies. ☺️

In my experience, it’s hard to come back from.

Ok try not thinking about this as a failure but as a signpost. Two years in is about the time we settle down and stop being blinded by passion and novelty.

I think you are just realizing its not going to work. Don’t force yourself to ignore your instincts. They are there fir a reason.

Did you perhaps pick the anti-sociopath when you chose this man? It’s possible that what attracted you in the first place was that his slightly “old-man” vibes felt safe and kind after a decade of unkindness. It doesn’t mean you should settle now. It doesn’t even mean you were wrong to pick him. It means he was Mr RightForNow, not Mr Right. You didn’t make a cynical choice to use him. You were working out what you need in a relationship and you thought it might be him.

Now that you strongly suspect he’s not Mr Forever, it would be unfair to stay with him or try to have a family with him. If he’s a good person he deserves better than to be someone’s mediocre fall-back plan because you’re too weary and anxious to go back out there. And honestly the feelings you describe grow, they don’t dissipate. Especially if you double-down and marry or have a family. Then you have the trapped ick.

That’s very understandable. I always used to suddenly go right off guys after 18 months and end things. My current relationship (coming up to 10 years) I stuck out some ebbing and flowing and now feel for the first time it’s what a long term relationship is supposed to feel like - content, supported, myself. If you genuinely think you would be enjoying your life more if you were alone, that’s definitely what you should do. But give it long enough to be sure it’s not just normal fluctuations first and try to make any changes to the relationship you need to to have it be a life you could see yourself living, especially doing things alone or bringing up an especially annoying habit of his. Openness is vital honestly. Talk to him (nicely) about how you feel, it’ll either bring you closer or make your decision clear

2 years? You have just reached the end of the lust goggles/limerent phase of the relationship. Time to decide if you want this as a comfortable, settled relationship or end it.

I don't think so. It's small irritating or annoying little traits that I think can only magnify. And you start noticing more things.

I also think little quirks you.might have found attractive at first can turn to icks.

I remember a friend loved his girlfriend's raucus laugh but it soon turned icky after a couple of years when the honeymoon period was over.

I agree!

Getting the ick is usally the beginning of the end. The Ick is like black mould, it spreads and is nigh on impossible to get rid of.

As you’ve got an Ick it will only go if he changes. Don’t have children with him unless the Ick disappears.