Am I right about being sensitive

[lisa299]

I had a small operation today under anaesthesia, my husband works from home and he said he will be at the hospital for the afternoon which is after the operation. I told him it’ll be better if he came before, and he said in that case I will come. I messaged him when going into the surgery and how long it will be but when I woke up he wasn’t there. He didn’t come until 4 hours later. He sent me a message when I was still sleeping from the anaesthesia saying the nurse called him and he’ll make his way soon. I ignored his message, texted my MIL that I came out the surgery and put my phone on airplane mode. I cried so much, I was all alone with no support. I told the nurses to call him to say he doesn’t need to come in coz I didn’t want him next to me but by the time they called he was already at the hospital and he turned around to me and said why did you tell them to tell me not to come, and why didn’t you reply back to my message? Apparently he felt embarrassed when he said ohh I think she’s still in operation when my MIL said no she’s out she messaged me, it got to him so much that he came and questioned me about it. I didn’t say a word and ain’t speaking to him since. I don’t know how am gonna forgive him.

Is it that you wanted him to come and wait around in the hospital until you were ready, but he expected a call to tell him when to come?

It's normal to feel a little shaky and emotionally fragile after surgery, especially if you had full anaesthesia. What you really need is a good, comfortable rest now, and some proper food tomorrow.

Unless he has a pattern of not showing up for you, it sounds like a misunderstanding. You had different expectations.

I don’t see what this has to do with your title?

Who dropped you off at the hospital?

I went with uber

Is there some back story that your husband has form for being unkind, uncaring, selfish? That your marriage is falling apart?

Because honestly....why did you need ANYone there straight after the op? It seems very odd to me.

I had a big op a few years ago and didn't even consider that anyone would visit me until visiting times (9 hours after op was over)

Are you a bit needy, generally?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. You obviously needed your husbands support emotionally and physically and the fact you got an uber speaks volumes. I think you’re trying to say he doesn’t emotionally support you and seems quite selfish. Have you been married long op? Do you have kids? As his behaviour seems very telling and you may not be well supported in future - something worth thinking about

Seems perfectly normal to be "needy" ( aka wanting support and reassurance) after a general anesthetic.
You may not be like this @chatgptsbestmate but I'd say you're in the minority.
No need to criticise the OP because she's different from you .

It just sounds like a misunderstanding. It was only a small operation and it was only 4 hours, and he did come in the end. I think you're being over sensitive ,(perhaps understandably). As you recover from the operation you could explain to him how much it upset you, then just forgive and forget. Not talking to him won't achieve anything.

I had an op under general yesterday to OP 💐

I was on the gynae ward and they don’t let any visitors in whatsoever. I got dropped at 7am, had my op in the afternoon, slept all day, was given two cups of tea and two slices of toast and jam, and send home. I texted DH to collect me and he waited outside, they saw me out to the car. I was completely fine, it was a lovely quiet day.

It’s interesting how different your experience was. You expectations seem to have been different but you didn’t communicate at all and turned your phone off which your DH would possibly have interpreted as “leave me be”.

Was it a noisy ward with lots of other visitors? Are you usually reliant on your DH? Do you usually cry a lot or was it the drugs?

He sent me a message when I was still sleeping from the anaesthesia saying the nurse called him and he’ll make his way soon. I ignored his message, texted my MIL that I came out the surgery and put my phone on airplane mode. I cried so much, I was all alone with no support.
So even if he wanted to, because you'd put the phone on airplane mode he couldn't contact you? Why? As punishment?
It sounds like a day surgery, was it essential/elective or cosmetic?
Agree re emotionalness after GA, but it sounds very manipulative.

Some people aren't very good at explaining what they want or asking clearly and then upset follows because they don't get their needs met
It doesn't mean that they are trying to be manipulative.

When I went in for gynae day surgery DH dropped me off in the morning and I called him when I was awake and felt like talking, but he didn’t come back to the hospital until I needed picking up to go home. Not sure if there were 4 or 6 of us in the day ward but no one had visitors.

I’ve had three operations and DH has been there before, during (waiting obviously) and after each one. I did the same when it was DH’s turn. I can’t imagine not being with my spouse unless obviously there are childcare issues or similar. YANBU OP.

@afaloren were you day surgery though? I don't think there is anywhere for a visitor to wait in most day surgery areas.

But it goes some way towards explaining why their needs aren't met. The OP apparently wanted her DH to come to the hospital, but didn't reply to his message sent while she was still unconscious saying he would arrive soon, put her phone on airplane mode so he couldn't contact her and told the nurses to call him and tell him not to, for example.

Yes, I've had three day surgeries for gynae issues over the past year or two, and there's nowhere to wait anywhere near the unit. The norm is to call someone to pick you up once you come around and have waited whatever amount of time required to check for complications, bleeding, side effects of anaesthesia etc, because they won't release you unless someone collects you.

That’s a fair point. Yes, one of them was day surgery and it was actually during COVID, I’d forgotten that until you said. DH still took me and waited in the car! So was right outside if there had been a problem.

just to clarify things, prior to my hospital admission, I had a mini operation at a clinic and I messaged him saying I need help walking. And then he didn’t greet me until I struggled to walk into the room and he said how did it go. He didn’t offer to help me change clothes etc and then I started having bleeding that led to the hospital admission. He realised I was acting cold so I told him about how I felt walking in then he got defensive and I obviously got pissed further. Hence why I went to the hospital alone, he didn’t come with me. He came in the evening and apologised, I told him how lonely and vulnerable I felt so after that speech I assumed I won’t be left alone on the day of the operation. But once again, he chose to meet his daily goal before he can come to me. I appreciate all the supportive comments but the ones that said I was too much are not realising how someone can be emotionally drowned in a situation like that.

I don't think you're being too dramatic; it's common to want your partner to be there for you after surgery, especially considering what happened before. Being disappointed at such a delicate moment is quite painful.