Navigating separation following infidelity

[anonamum123]

Hi all
Looking for some more advice please… I got lots of responses previously about my husband’s long term affair, lies and me going back on numerous occasions believing he’d stop. Following our separation nearly two months ago, things are difficult - he has asked to come back home on lots of occasions which is like emotional torture - promising changes and all the things he promised before!
I’ve agreed to him having the kids two nights per week, which he asked for and is on a Sunday & Monday night to suit his work requirements. He has now asked for Tuesday as well, because he is all of a sudden really flexible at work even though he never has been before. I’m trying to be reasonable but my kids are still struggling with the adjustment and I have been their primary parent while he’s worked 75+ hours per week for years, gym 4 times per week and a year long affair… but now he can make time? It’s another blow. I’ve refused 3 nights at the moment on the basis that I have been consistently present, and I didn’t blow up our family - I feel like he’s doing it to prove he’s a great dad.. he’s very present when he is with them, but that has been rare over the years, and I struggle to see how someone is so great when they treat their children’s mum so terribly. I’ve said we can review it in future - do you think this is fair? How much can he actually take from me - I don’t want to be away from them two nights nevermind three 😣. We’re also in discussions about assets, which he is being difficult about because a house which he inherited before the marriage is on the table and he is furious that I might be entitled to half of it… and he is texting the kids iPads every morning and calling them every night which he never did before. He’s cried to them, says he misses them all the time, said he didn’t want to leave.. they’re 10 & 7 - it’s not fair. Also acts like a victim and that this is entirely my decision - he’s surprised this is the end result, and justifies his affair saying he barely remembers any of it and that he obviously wasn’t in the right mind because that is not who he is and I know it. How do people move forward - do things settle?!
I find myself hating him, then very sad, and ultimately protective of my kids because he has been the one to threaten their wellbeing and mine.. but I need to coparent amicably with such a human? How is that possible…

I would embrace the 3 nights. It will take a bit of getting used to but in the long run it will give you a break and catch up space where you are free to do as you please. Not something most mums get.
All that father of the minute stuff melts away in time, and kids soon come to realise who is genuinely present for them. It’s hard. Best of luck

3 nights and he might claim it’s 50:50 to avoid paying cm. Tread carefully and get legal advice asap.

His insistence on calling the kids/sudden interest is not out of love for them.
You don’t have to agree to anything he says.
Try to keep all arrangements/communication in writing.

Keep your cards close to your chest,he’s no longer on your side.Prepare for all the tricks to get shafted and outmanoeuvred to leave you with nothing.

Get support from friends/family. Start looking for legal advice asap, in the meantime root through all important papers (finances incl pensions, kids passports and so on)

He sounds like a right conniving so and so. Crafty never mind duplicitous. I think you are going to need legal support and advice asap, as he’s going to twist and turn every single thing he can, if only to hurt you. So he’s playing ‘father of the year’ the two-faced sod, but to play the victim after cheating & now manipulating the children, is unforgivable, & then to play the martyr 😳. Yes, I’m sorry to say I think you’ve got a right devious one here.

he needs to quit the whole I didn’t want to leave when he is clearly at fault. Children don’t need to hear this. I also wonder if the 3 night request is so he can avoid maintenance. I’d be careful about this, and agree with you saying let the kids adjust to 2 first. It is good he is spending more time with them, and sometimes when relationships end, fathers do become better at parenting them.

Stay strong on him returning, a year long affair is unforgivable in my book, and what a lame excuse that he wasn’t himself and you should know that. Oh come on, this wasn’t a drunken mistake. He’s pretty silly if he thinks a house he owns isn’t a marital asset.

Let the kids adjust to 2 nights, given his track record he will probably get bored.

He’s very manipulative. Don’t believe a word he says. People are their actions not their words. You gave him a second chance and he actively betrayed you over and over. He’s not remorseful. His guilt isn’t genuine. He doesn’t care about the impact on you and the children. If you had forgiven him this time but still been heartbroken he would have gone about his day thinking he got away with it. He wouldn’t have made any of these ‘changes’ and likely still meeting up with this OW or setting his sights on someone else because he’s addicted to the dopamine hit. He is sad and upset because he doesn’t want these consequences, especially the financial split. When he was with you he got to have the family man reputation, all his assets and a maid / cook / childcare provider. Plus illicit exciting sex on the side. Why would he want things to change?

You have done the right thing in sticking to this split. There is a happy future for you and your children but it doesn’t involve a romantic relationship with him. He will always be their father but he’s not putting them first right now so you need to protect them. Him putting his emotions onto his kids in the hope it pressures you to change your mind. This is awful behaviour and very damaging to them. I would be telling him that if this behaviour continues you will be seeking full custody because it’s emotional abuse.

Tell him you want him to have a relationship with his kids but only if he can keep the relationship positive. For now two nights is enough. The kids need stability. If, in a years time, he has proved he can be emotionally stable around the kids and the kids want to be with him more you can reconsider.

You will probably find as soon as he has a new relationship he suddenly drops the idea of more days.

You have to accept he will manipulate, blame you and be the victim. This is who he is and why you are leaving him. Try to suck it up and know it’s not forever. Once you have divorced and there is no chance of reconciliation or him influencing the share of assets or CM you will find he will fade into the background.

Love it.
Good on you.
One thing for sure, Husband and “Declan’s” secret affair won’t feel quite as exciting or thrilling after the round robin 😂
The absolute best of wishes to you
and your new life ❤️

The worst part of splitting up with an aresehole when you have kids together is that you still have to have some form of contact with them.

At this point your feelings about him & his actions are still tied up with how he treated you as a husband. It's really hard but you have to separate your feelings and anger towards him with the fact that he is still the father of your kids and they deserve a good relationship with him.

I would say stick with the two nights for now to see if he can do that consistently before agreeing to more
And beware the new girlfriend who will no doubt appear soon as you continue to hold your nerve re getting back together

I'm afraid these unfaithful husband & father types are the gift that keep on giving and you have to just toughen up but always put what's best for your kids first despite the anger & frustration you may feel towards him.
Good luck, it will get easier & you will begin to treasure the free time you have when they are with him. It's a long road but you will get there.

Thank you, it’s been really tempting to go back.. but each time I’m tempted he’s still with her, but then still begging to come back to me? What is that?! Im months down the line now and it’s almost like I need his permission to move forward in a weird way? Im not meeting anyone, im frightened, anxious of rejection and not really sure what to do next!

Listen in when he calls the children and immediately stop the call at any sob story. Only contact him by email, preferably using a recognised app. Do not be tempted to talk to him elsewhere. Stick to the two days for the moment. You can review this much later. You've got this.

Alternate Saturday night and all day Sunday would be an alternative suggestion from me, so that you have the opportunity to have some time to go out/relax.

Think you’ve posted on the wrong thread…