Mega row with dh and I said the unsayable

[Roskva]

I named the elephant in the room in our relationship. Don't know where we go from here as a couple, having established that neither of us is willing to make the massive sacrifice in terms of lifestyle that it would take either for us to continue as we are (which he doesn't want), or to do what he wants (which in my view is economic and emotional suicide). Oh, and he would really rather I wasn't pg.

Can't talk to my family because dh regularly encounters my dad on a professional basis. CAn't talk to my friends, because most of 'our' friends are actually my friends. He won't speak to me atm.

what did you say and what do you want to do?

Oh dear. Apart from the fairly massive issue of the pg, what is it he wants to do? Is that also to do with the pg?

Any chance of getting out for a walk, clear your head

It's more what I won't do.

We have 2 businesses. One is paying our mortgage and bills, and one owes us rather a lot of money. He wants to sell the good business and our house and move simply because he hates where we are living. I am willing to sell the house to move but not the good business until either his business, which owes us a lot of money, starts producing a regular income sufficient for us to live on or he gets a proper job.

What I won't do is sell up everything with no prospects of an income, which would mean me finding a job, busting a gut to pay for bills and childcare, so he can continue doing basically sweet f.a.

And don't suggest he does the childcare: the last time I left him in charge of dd for an hour, he forgot about her and went out . Fortunately I bumped into him as I was on my way home. Plus he refuses to change nappies.

He thinks that another baby will tie us to where we are even more. He should have thought about that before he decided he doesn't like using condoms.

What a difficult situation, Roskva.
It sounds like you have to be responsible for everything.

The fact that your DH forgot about your DD and went out is beyond stupid.

I don't know what to suggest, except to say that your plans for the businesses sound a great deal more sensible than those suggested by your DH.

He is really doing "basically sweet f.a.", because if so, that would be my starting point, I think.
Perhaps give the second business six months to start making an improvement in the figures, and if it doesn't, DH will need to looking into alternative employment?

The second business had already had 3 years, Humphrey. In it's last financial year it covered it's running costs for the first time, and repaid us about 10% of what it owes us. Which is not enough to pay for the groceries, let alone live on. Dh won't even think about finding a job, because he's convinced himself he's unemployable (and with that attitude, he probably is).

When we bought the good business, we sold up everything and lived in a caravan for a while, then a rented house. We didn't have dcs then. After a couple of years, we were able to buy another house, and now we are living reasonably comfortably. But there is a big difference between being willing to sell up everything for something we had spent 2 years researching and were fairly sure would provide us with a living, and selling up just because he's fed up. Dh now thinks I'm unreasonable not to be willing to sell everything in the hope that some miracle is going to happen.

But I'm the baddy, keeping him chained to a place he hates. Never mind he has a family now.

Is the unsayable that you're married to a small child rather than a grow man?

grown man

I think you are right and he is not living in the real world.

Trying to talk this through seems to be the only way through to see if you can find a compromise.

Did you talk about leaving him?

am really very sorry to hear this, but at least one of you is trying to be mature and actually broaching the subject

selling up is essentially running away.

and won;t solve anything

if you could wave a magic wand, to make things go how you woudl want them to.. what would you wish for?

and how do you see the next 10 years.. with DH ?

WTF are you having another child with a man who clearly can't look after the first one? get a grip.

Oh, that's helpful.

Well, the common ground appears to be selling the house and moving, while keeping the original business.

Is it that this would mean not having enough money to buy somewhere else?

Could you continue with the good business in a cheaper area?

Could you employ someone else to work with you in the good business, while he goes full tilt in the developing business? Would having full time attention offer it the best chance of success? if it's growing at all, that sounds impressive.

The looking after your daughter thing is horrendous. That sounds completely unforgiven by you (not at all surprising). He needs to pull his finger out. It is amazing how much crap behaviour can be forgotten if the person involved can sort themselves out and improve.

I would contact a mediator experienced in working with couples who work together.

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