Is this abuse or am I wrong?

[Rosie00]

Married 23 years.
2 DC
H has never shown me any affection. When I would cry to him about my worries he would say "you really need to talk to someone".

I was a sham he didn't want me to work, no childcare, I wanted to get a weekend job but he said that would affect family time.
I did everything, all housework, gardening, shopping, school stuff, pta, clubs, house admin etc.

No thanks , no acknowledgement, DC are older now. If I bring anything up that worries me he shouts me down. Feel like I'm walking on eggshells.
Had a breakdown, in hospital for 3 months, hardly any visits, no love, no care.
If we have an argument, silent treatment until I break the ice.

No idea how much money we have, I get an allowance of £900 per month, have to pay house insurance, food, petrol from that.

He has his own business, I don't know how much he brings in. Separate accounts, he treats we with disdain.

He now has cancer, so if I bring anything up that I'm worried about he replies "haven't I got enough to worry about?"

Feel awful, want to leave but I can't, nowhere to go, no money, no job, who leaves their partner who has cancer?

You do.

Just because he has cancer it doesn't mean he isn't a complete wanker. You can leave op

You matter too OP 🩵

What’s his prognosis?

You have described emotional abuse, financial abuse and neglect.
These aren't minor cracks in a relationship. They're structural problems that deeply affect your mental health and your ability to live freely.

There is often this lingering shame for women in your position like you are lacking in empathy, if you dare to feel angry when a partner is sick. But being ill does not erase past damage.

you are not selfish for wanting to be seen, heard, or respected.

Stuff him.

Hopefully he dies so you can have all the money he’s squirrelled away. Don’t bother telling me I’m a see you next Tuesday because I don’t care, he’s an abuser and he’s abused you and stolen years of your life and I will not change my mind, my biggest wish for you is that he dies and you get your life back. If it’s not that serious then leave him now whilst he’s got cancer just to rub salt in the wound. Get a job and pay for a good solicitor to get your share. He’s a piece of shit and you’ve done your fair share.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He was once young and abusive and now he is ill, older and still abusive. In addition to you receiving emotional and verbal abuse you are also now being financially abused by him. Your now adult children are likely all
too aware of what he has done to you and probably wonder why you are still with him.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Contacting women’s aid could be of great help to you as would a local firm of solicitors re divorce.

This.

He's an evil bastard and that has not changed just because he has cancer. He has done nothing to deserve your care, concern or sympathy. He has never shown you love and affection, has he? Nope. He's abused you for years.

You owe him absolutely nothing.

Thank you so much for your replies.

@RandomMess it's stage 2, think he will be ok, not life threatening , maybe life changing. Undergoing chemo.

My DC won't have a word said against him, he is very manipulative and now, of course he has cancer.

I do t want him to die, he is the father to my children. But I hate him, I hate that he has treated me so bad, I'm finding it hard to be kind and then I hate myself because he is ill.

I wouldn't, but I feel like there is only one way out, I wish it was me with cancer, at least he might be nice and I could escape

It doesn’t sound like he would be nice if you were the ill one, OP, based on things you’ve said in previous posts.
I echo PP - he sounds awful and I think you should LTB. Enjoy the rest of your life while you can. You can offer to help with hospital appointments etc if it will alleviate your guilt but don’t do anymore than that.

Leave, enjoy what is left of your life.

This is very dark, OP. I'm so sorry you are in such a horrible situation. But there are other ways out. It's ok to put yourself first; see a solicitor and take it from there. Wishing you strength.

You were in hospital for 3 months and he didn't care, don't feel like you have to care about him now the tables have turned, cancer or not it doesn't give anyone the right to act this way. One of the scariest things to happen and he still hasn't seen his ways, this man will never change.
You need to make a plan and get out as soon as you can. You deserve so much better OP

You feel all those things because you are a good person. He isn’t. There’s no such thing as a good father that only abuses his wife. Your child may adore him but (gently) your child shouldn’t be the only thing in your life that’s important to you. You deserve happiness and you deserve kindness and respect. If you are a good Mum (I’m sure you are) then however your child feels about you leaving will dissipate eventually. Children leave home, they often leave for other countries etc, boys especially will be less present when they find a partner. Do what is best for you x

Thank you @Drowninginconfusion

If I left them we would have to sell the house. I don't want my DC to not have a home. We wouldn't be left with much, I probably couldn't afford to rent a 1 bed flat.

I don't work, I know I need to find a job. I have been out of the workforce for so long I don't even know where to start.

Better to be from a so called broken
home than to remain in one.

Do consider seeking legal advice too because knowledge did power. Do not give credence to assumptions eg you won’t be left with much.

You squirrel away some of your allowance for the next few months until you’ve saved up a few hundred quid to make an appointment with a family solicitor. You don’t know that you’d have to sell the house and go into rented. Go and get some proper advice about what you’re entitled to.

He’d have to pay child maintenance and probably spousal maintenance too. You’d be able to claim benefits. You could, once the dust settles, get a shop job.

Life is too short to be miserable with someone who doesn’t love you as you deserve. Don’t be the women who wakes up in a decade’s time and realises she wasted her life.

I was better off financially as a single parent working part time than I was in a relationship but admittedly I don’t know how it is now. There’s a benefits calculator you can use online if you were to out in a part time salary etc you could see what benefits you would receive.