Finding a family member exhausting

[Amusemint]

Hi there is a lot going on in our family at the moment. My family member is dying and there is another family member who has put all of these mad expectations on the people who live locally to the family member to try to “fix” the unfixable situation. She has been ignoring boundaries, overbearing, demanding and we are all exhausted by her, everyone was absolutely dreading her coming back into the situation but obviously needs must now. How do people handle such a person? Ironically another family member has said that this type of behaviour has been around for 3 generations in the family where someone not in a position to do the work has seen fit to lecture the people who live locally. I have lost all patience with it now.

@Amusemint similar situation. Generational long term poor behaviour in our case has come as a ‘shock’ to one of my siblings. SIL has suddenly deemed our incredibly difficult mother as ‘your lovely mum’. She is not lovely. People behave very strangely in these situations. I stepped off the rollercoaster abit ago and have decided to only step in where there is an actual crisis that I can have an impact in dealing with.

I’m utterly disinterested in other people’s opinion of me including the ‘everyone’ my DB tells me cannot ‘believe’ how I am dealing with things. Yet to meet ‘everyone’, but when I do they may well get a rundown of my reality.

Yes that might sound selfish but there is some self preservation involved in these situations. Death is inevitable. Some people are just difficult and it sounds like your relative is one of them. Step away, do not engage is my suggestion. Drama triangles are not conducive to any decent conversation.

This sounds horribly familiar. I have a family member like this. They are a total nightmare.

Unfortunately, there is no "handling" someone like that.

All you can do is ignore them. Do not answer the phone to them. Do not answer messages.

A firm "no" to any request they make. Do not justify or explain your answer. Just say NO then end the conversation. (This makes them fly into a rage usually but again, ignore their behaviour.)

I went no contact years ago and my life is a lot better for it. People like that are impossible and thrive on causing drama and conflict.

They sound like a bully. The best thing is to not interact. If you have no choice, then let them have their say, register that they have no grasp of the situation and ignore. If they want to kick off, let them. You don’t need to engage with it.
They have no authority over you.

I am also dealing with this and find it beyond exhausting and it gives me a lot anxiety. I’m trying to detach myself from her as much as possible but she just doesn’t back off and is so overbearing

It is just so horrible and so stressful. You feel utterly drained by them.

I don't fully understand but I think with this sort of high maintenance, highly demanding person, you just have to ignore and walk away as much as possible. "No, I'm not doing that" then get up and go make a cup of tea.

It's very difficult.

A memory: caring for my terminally ill dad, mostly solo. I also have long term health conditions.
I have endometriosis and collapsed with the pain in front of him one day. He rang his neighbour who rang an ambulance.
He then rang his sister who rang me in the ambulance….
Peggy how dare you frighten your father?
Peggy have you done this for attention?
The whole time I was caring for him she made my life a bloody misery. When she heard I may need a hysterectomy she rang me and told me I was a selfish wilful girl… I was 50!
On the day he died, he was in hospice care, I was already on my way in when they rang to tell me to hurry. I got the ‘talk’ from them.
Rang his sister and she was screaming that she should have been rung first, how dare they ring me? When I said I was next of kin she shouted back..
I have known him a lot younger than you, young lady.
She ignored me at his funeral and never spoke to me after, tried to take me apart and she got lots of ‘supporters’ and they took her side so she didn’t start on them. I don’t miss her.
I can only say.. this too shall pass.

When we were caring for my DGM, running ourselves ragged with everything one of my cousins solution was a rota. His contribution as you may guess
.. was to write the rota.

He has plenty to say about how and what we should be doing whilst doing nothing himself.

Ignore your relative or if they are so critical tell them they can do it.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo great username. I have often considered our mother and her behaviour as being akin to being a cameo in a 60s/70s kitchen sink drama. It often feels like she is ‘acting’. She used to love Rita Tushingham as someone once said she looked like her. People do misbehave in these tricky times. It is exhausting.

Kitchen sink drama - I can imagine. All
angst, and pinafores.
This aunt of mine constantly went on about all the things men shouldn’t do as they are more important.
No, of course you can’t ask Frank he’s a very important man with a very important job.
On a funnier note when she used to go in and see my dad she insisted on solo visits. He was a really funny, warm man. He’d listen to her for a few minutes and pretend to be asleep.
And then she’d complain he had slept during the visit. Then I’d go in and he’d have me in stitches. Your Aunt Margaret was in fighting form again today, Peggy 😂 He used to say she’d outlive everyone as she was held together with vinegar and spite. And, yep, she’s still going.